Hellooooo, Trash Panda family! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I'm your host, Elinor Jones. Lately I've been wondering if I should get on TikTok or if it would be too embarrassing because I'm 40, and I'm also really struggling with the return of baggy jeans where the bottoms drag on the ground, because we live in Oregon so this also means having cold, wet feet all the time. Anyway, that's what's going on with me. Can I interest you in talking about literally anything else? Let's go!
Senate Majority for a Hot Second
Senator Rev. Raphael Warnock won his run-off election against serial absent father Herschel Walker, securing a Democratic majority in the Senate. This could create a pathway to all sorts of crucial legislative actions like codifying abortion rights, which is something they said they'd do if we gave Raphael Warnock our tens of dollars—which we did. But look, I don't think I can sit through another endless email campaign of "women's right to choose is on the line!!!!" if they don't actually use this cursed majority to, I don't know, take it off the line instead of using it as a demoralizing fundraising email subject. Just a thought! Many of us felt a moment of relief that the party would be able to stop kissing Arizona's Kyrsten Sinema's ass for holding up legislation so she can find the right Modcloth dress to wear to hearings where she'll get all the attention despite having no clear agenda. And THEN, in a classic "I don't like things not being about me" moment, she switched her party affiliation from Democratic to Independent. She told Politico, "nothing will change about my values or my behavior." This is bad news, since her "values" are unclear and her "behavior" is annoying. This woman is clearly meant to run a weird coastal art gallery that sells gems and bejeweled Ruth Bader Ginsburg potholders, and I don't know why she won't just let it happen! So I will begrudgingly prepare my donating fingers to firing off more tens of dollars to whoever runs against her as an actual Democrat in 2024.
December 9, 2022
Another messy bitch who loves drama, former President Donald Trump, might be charged with contempt of court by the Justice Department for being like "no more classified materials here!" and then getting caught with more classified materials and then being like, "oh I thought you said yassified braferials." Instead of letting a little legal trouble get in his way (when does he ever??), Trump changed the narrative with a fresh racist statement, this time on the release of WNBA star Brittney Griner from a Russian prison in exchange for an arms dealer. Trump called the exchange "stupid," and said Griner "openly hated our country." For her part, Griner said she is proud of her country. But like, in her shoes, wouldn't you hate your country at least a little bit? The only reason she was in Russia is because she couldn't earn enough money here despite being at the top of her game. I'm happy for Griner and her family that she's home, and I hope she and her WNBA teammates all get raises so they don't have to find seasonal jobs in shady countries ever again.
In Locals News, Experts Say: Trust Experts
Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler said, out loud, to people who were listening and paying attention and even taking video, that he no longer cares what experts have to say about how to address homelessness. While speaking to the Portland Business Alliance, he went on to lament "I have these so-called experts saying I'm inhumane!" This "no, it is the experts who are wrong" is a bold position to take. It's kind of like how all of our dentists insist that we really need to floss more, and we're like, "oh yeah, totally 😉", but we all secretly believe that we are good enough at brushing our teeth so we don't need to floss. And then later when we go back to the dentist they're like "your gums are melting, why didn't you floss?" and we have no excuse? This is like that, but when we ignore our dentists we're gambling with our teeth, not the lives and safety of thousands of people.
Mayors everywhere pic.twitter.com/lMsE2Z0d9j— Anarchopology (@Anarchopology) December 5, 2022
At this same meeting, Commissioner Dan Ryan said "I feel like the Safe Rest Villages were our baby step in regard to this so I broke some wind, if you will." "Breaking wind" is a charming analogy for farting, so here Ryan seems to be saying that forming Safe Rest Villages caused him to fart. As an expert in fart jokes, I highly recommend listening to me on this one.
In other Portland news, finance website WalletHub has rated Portland one of the most fun cities in the United States. Having just made a very hilarious fart joke, I concur! So fun!
Of course, Portland will be slightly less fun now that the Shroom House—a shop that briefly and illegally sold psychedelic mushrooms—has been raided by the cops. But what an exciting few days! So full of promise. I'm curious how many other friend groups started excited group texts about the shop, like "should we go?????" and then finding excuses not to go because the line seemed really long or it's cold out and then eventually everybody comes to the realization that we're perhaps too old to experiment with drugs. Thank you for your service, Shroom House. Now we know.
Comedian Ziwe, whose whole thing is messy celebrity interviews, revived the gift that is Glee drama. In a teaser for an interview with former Glee star Amber Riley, Ziwe pressed her about allegations of Lea Michele being a racist pain-in-the-ass to work with. Ziwe asked, "Speaking of getting down in the muck, you said that one of your famous coworkers wasn't racist. Did you mean that she was?" Riley played innocent with a wink, insisting that she'd had a lot of coworkers and didn't know who Ziwe was referring to. Lea Michele had been famously called out back in 2020 for racist behavior towards Black castmate Samantha Ware while working on Glee, and although Riley had previously said she had nothing more to say about it, we love Ziwe for asking anyway, and I know I'm going to watch the whole interview as soon as it's out so I can see if Ziwe also asked if all of Riley's former coworkers knew how to read or not.
Another celebrity who has generated controversy where none needed to be is Jackass star Johnny Knoxville. We know that his whole thing is pranks and tomfoolery, but he may have recently gone too far. According to TMZ, Knoxville recently played an elaborate prank that entailed having a repairman, hired via TaskRabbit, come to his home to fiddle with an electric switch, and then telling him that he'd killed his daughter's pony. I don't have a super-evolved sense of humor (farts!), but how in the world is it funny for a millionaire to traumatize a gig worker? Like, what was the joke? Knoxville eventually came clean and offered the worker money, which the worker declined in favor of suing the pants off Knoxville for emotional distress and possible harm to his business reputation. Presumably, Knoxville is fine having his pants sued off, as that will make it easer for his friends to taze his balls, which he can do on camera to recoup whatever money he's out in this lawsuit.
Why You Should Never Stop Posting
The first part of the Netflix documentary about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle is out and I haven't watched it yet, but one thing that I already saw shared from it is that Meghan first caught Harry's eye by looking hot on Instagram. So let this be a lesson to ALL of you babes to keep looking hot on Instagram! None of that "felt cute, might delete later." Delete nothing later! Be cute forever! You might snag a prince, and in doing so, initiate a global conversation about racism in the royal family which many of us are enjoying quite a bit. Surely there are more single royals with problematic families to seduce!
That's all I've got for now. I know this column was extra long, but the days are short and I merely want to keep you distracted from the cold dark reality! Okay, bye!