New trash, who dis? JK, I know who you are. You're innocent trash panda angels, and I'm Elinor Jones, your best friend and guide through the maze of current events, gossip, and whatever else I feel like writing about. I run a... what's the opposite of a tight ship? A loose airplane? Whatever. Let's go!
And not to be too Pitbull, but this week's column is mostly about money and Florida.
Florida: You're the Problem; It's You.
Most of the time I'm Bugs Bunny in that gif of him sawing Florida off the map, but this week I can't resist turning my attention there. The most major news, of course, is that newly-single Taylor Swift and her Eras tour touched down in the Sunshine State, and many people who could have other things to think about (🙋) are mostly thinking about what changes she'll make to her setlist that will give all of us hints about what went wrong with ex Joe Alwyn. I am paying rapt attention to teen girls on Tumblr, for they will crack these codes before any mainstream publication ever could. Let them work.
Also, I am OB. SESSED. with the fake viral story about President Joe Biden and Barack and Michelle Obama all attending Taylor's Tampa, Florida show together. The lie was so believable that even Entertainment Tonight picked up the story, which it has since deleted. Joe Biden was in Ireland at the time, attending an equally riveting concert, as tweeted below. I say combine the two options; those bagpipes would shred so hard on "Vigilante Shit."
The Carlingford Pipe Band sounded like faith. pic.twitter.com/VDrR7nYJWB— President Biden (@POTUS) April 13, 2023
Elsewhere in Florida: Governor Ron DeSantis has signed a six-week abortion ban into law. This may go without saying, but it might not, so I'm going to say it, because American sex education is bad: The "weeks" in a pregnancy begin from the first day of a pregnant person's last menstrual cycle, so during the first two weeks of a "pregnancy," procreative sex hasn't even happened yet, and an unfertilized egg is just hanging around a uterus, waiting to see if any cool sperm show up. Someone who is paying attention *might* realize they're pregnant at around the five-week mark. It's not like a person gets six weeks to think about things, which is what a six-week ban sounds like. A six-week ban is functionally a one-week ban, and because nobody can get a medical appointment within a week of wanting one, it is functionally a total ban. From here on out you may encourage your grandparents to retire to Florida if they will vote for good people, but you must discourage your horny cousins from moving there for college... that is unless they want to raise a child fathered by the stacked guy from Lambda Lambda who says "library" like "liberry."
(That link above is from NPR, which I found from going to npr.org and not through scrolling Twitter. NPR announced last week that it will no longer post on Elon Musk's pathetic attempt to get Grimes to like him again after he labeled the news agency "state-affiliated media." One could say they gave Twitter... the bird.)
In other news out of Florida: horrific rains have flooded parts of the state. I guess we know how the weather feels about Ron DeSantis. I wonder if he'll show up to survey the impacted area in white go-go boots again.
Doesn’t scream confidence in the politics of this bill that Ron DeSantis enacted it in a private ceremony announced by tweet around 11 p.m.https://t.co/aVqPWerOav— Sahil Kapur (@sahilkapur) April 14, 2023
Mind on My Money and Money on the Highway
A 38-year-old Eugene man got a lecture from the cops about littering and creating a nuisance after throwing several thousands dollars in cash out of his car window while driving on I-5. From the Oregonian: the driver came into some money and wanted to "bless others" by sharing, which is so sweet to think, but so stupid to follow through with. The story also says that the cops looked around for some of the cash to "clean up" (sure), but couldn't find any (DOUBLE SURE.) If anyone else feels inspired by this story, give a girl a heads up first so I can find myself on I-5 with a very large butterfly net.
In another story that finds itself in the middle of the Venn diagram of "money" and "transportation" is this: A truck hauling dimes was broken into in Philadelphia, and bandits made off with approximately $100,000 in dimes. More power to them, honestly. Dimes are so small! They are the most annoying coin by far, even more annoying than the penny, for what the penny lacks in value it makes up for in cute color and size. How do you even try to launder dimes? Nowhere takes them! You can't inconspicuously spend them. Anyone with more than like five dimes on their person at any time is either a child or someone with something to hide. You can tell from the picture in the People magazine article about it how over dimes even the thief was, based on how many are just spread out all over the parking lot. Like "I got 99 problems... but in dimes, so it's actually more like 990."
Condo or Cave?
Real estate alert: A luxury condo has hit the Portland market that looks almost exactly like Kendall Roy's apartment in Succession. For a cool $9 million, you could snag this penthouse of the new Ritz-Carlton and yell off the balcony whenever it's your birthday while dying inside because your father will never be proud of you. If you invite me over to check out that hot tub, I promise I'll tell you you're my favorite.
On the other hand, this housing option is also compelling:
Spanish Woman, 50, Emerges from Cave After 500 Days Alone Underground: 'I Didn't Want to Come Out' https://t.co/LDpXmuf6ru— People (@people) April 14, 2023
I'm gonna leave a few links here at the end for you of stuff I didn't want to fully dive into right now, but I want you to keep on your radar so we can talk about them later if they turn into a thing. Okay? It's like homework, but dumb. So: D-Listed reports that Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson are teasing that McConaughey's mom maybe had a Mama Mia! kind of weekend and the true detectives might be true biological brothers. Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly are probably back together based on paparazzi photos of them holding hands in Hawaii, and those photos are how I realized that MGK is 6'4" and that Fox is trapped in a "is he hot or just tall?" brainfuck, and suddenly it all makes sense. This thing with Kylie Jenner and Timothée Chalamet is still going on, and I hate that I care so much because clearly it's fake, but damn it's intriguing. I also like the possibilities of their portmanteau: Kylée, Timolie, Jennamet... really good stuff. I hate it, but I love it. And finally: prepare your popcorn, because the guy behind the epic Fyre Festival failure is out of jail and promising a second attempt. The most hilarious part of the announcement is learning that Billy McFarland has a blue check on Twitter because he's subscribed to Twitter Blue—that's how you know he's still super smart with money.
🔥 Fyre Festival II is finally happening.— Billy McFarland (@pyrtbilly) April 10, 2023
Tell me why you should be invited.
I know I've given you a lot to think about but, like God, I give my toughest tussles to my cutest babies, or whatever the quote is. See you next time!