Hiyeee, Trash Pandas, and welcome to another Trash Report! I'm Elinor Jones, your cutest guide to a bunch of silly things I read about that I'd like to share with you. You may be asking, but what is this for? Fair question. My answer to that is, what is anything for? You ever watch a video of a seahorse giving birth? Some things just happen.

And now: trash!

Finding Nemesis

I last mentioned John Cougar Mellencamp in this column fairly recently when he released a song about homelessness in Portland which was accompanied by a video about homelessness in not-Portland. As if that stunt wasn't enough to lock Mellencamp into my shit list, he has gone on to give an interview to Esquire in which he says he was a bad boyfriend to Meg Ryan. Meg Ryan?! She's the dream girlfriend! Everyone's crush! You date Meg Ryan, your mission in life is to deserve Meg Ryan. Like, that is a full Tom Hanks at the end of Saving Private Ryan "DESERVE THIS!" moment. Admitting that you failed is more embarrassing than admitting that you don't know how many grandchildren you have (which he also did). Guys, I always thought I'd have a nemesis, and I never thought it would be John Cougar Mellencamp, but I think it's John Cougar Mellencamp! 

In other celebrity news, Cameron Diaz shared a picture of her fridge on Instagram and it's full of nothing but salad and white wine, and girl: same. Apparently the star has a line of Sauvignon Blanc out and she said "cheers to a Sauvvy-B summer." This is where the "girl: same" ends. Not many people can get away with saying things like "cheers to a Sauvvy-B summer." Or only a certain person, really. Only Cameron Diaz can say that. I might secretly be wishing all of you a very Sauvvy-B summer, but I'm not going to say it out loud.

Presidentinator? Almost!

Arnold Schwarzenegger recently went on some dumb news show and when asked if he would have run for President if not for that pesky constitution stating that a president must be a natural-born US citizen, Arnold said yes, and that he could win. Yes, I believe this. I'm only mentioning this story because I'll never forget the day after the 2004 Presidential election when John Kerry lost to Bush and I had to leave work early because of tears, and I stopped on the way home to buy wine and salad (hey, Cameron!) from Trader Joe's, and the cashier said that he didn't mind the results because he fully believed that Bush would repeal the 25th amendment and clear the way for Schwarzenegger to run, and the awesomeness of that would make it worth it that a war criminal got a second term. It's been literally 19 years, and I'm still mad about this! Every time a cashier is nice to me at Trader Joe's now, I can never get all the way on board. It's like they're all trying to apologize for that guy. Those Hawaiian shirts and the "have you tried these? They're so good!" Not falling for it! 

Robot Loves the Work!

Portland was in the news last week for our radio station 95.5 launching an AI version of their host Ashley Elzinga. The station said that "in an instance where AI Ashley would be broadcasting, the traditional Ashley (emphasis mine) might be doing something in the community, managing social posts, or working on digital assets or the other elements that come with the job." Call me crazy, but doesn't it kinda sound like what they're describing here is two jobs? And a living... excuse me, ~traditional~ human should be hired to do one of them instead of growing the robot workforce? Now I'm wondering if when Biden touts his administration's jobs numbers, how many of those were staffed by people....

Remember when people use to have jobs?

Portland Statue Updates

A friendly yet wildly insecure local writer (✋) recently ranked Portland's Five Sexiest Statues in the Mercury's "Say Nice Things About Portland" print issue, available now! And today, the Oregonian published a story about five statues that were in fact removed from public viewing in the wake of the 2020 racial justice protests and now the city has to figure out what to do with them. Colonizing? Not sexy. But huge props to the Oregonian for taking the space to give context about the highly problematic nature of the figures and why each one maybe doesn't deserve public viewing space. Thoughtfully examining racist institutions? Highly sexy! 

In other news, some medical news:

Size of a grapefruit? Yes, I have seen grapefruit. This makes sense to me. Length of a banana? Again, classic, highly familiar comparison. I can picture it. Where it loses me is the weight of four hamsters. Who, aside from pet store staff and some lucky children, have held a single hamster within the last year? And among those, who has held four hamsters at once? Was the doctor digging for the kidney stone and when he found it was like "oh wow I think I found three—nope, four hamsters! What the hell? Never mind, it's just a huge kidney stone. Looks like a grapefruit." "Should we describe it as a grapefruit?" "Only in appearance. We will stick with hamsters for weight." I think more things should be described in terms of how many hamsters it is, like how babies' ages are given in months for the first two years. 

Complicated Days

Yesterday was the annual "oh so that's why you're like this" day on social media, when everybody posted about their good/bad/weird/etc relationships with their dads. I didn't, because my dad died several years ago and I'm still grieving the loss, so for me Father's Day feels like pushing on a bruise. And yes, that is why I'm like this! 

And today is Juneteenth, and I hope my Black friends and family have all the space and love they deserve. I know that shopping from Black creators on Etsy won't right the wrongs of white people, but it can't hurt, right?