How do you do, fellow kids? Welcome your weekly roundup of the juiciest in news and gossip in this here Trash Report, brought to you by me, Elinor Jones, taking a break from incessantly texting my friends about whether or not I should cut my bangs again to write this column; I hope you can appreciate how hard this was for me. But my darling Trash Pandas deserve the best, and while I am not the best, I can give you all I've got. Lez go.

Sports Reporter Over Here With the Sports News

My most esteemed congratulations go out to 19-year-old Coco Grauff, who this past weekend won the U.S. Open with a scores of 2-6, 6-3, 6-2. When I was 19, I couldn't even figure out how tennis was scored. Still can't, tbh. But I'm told that this was a great points arrangement, and I am happy for her! 

In other sports news (sorry to always be talking about sports! I'm simply extremely athletic), multiple outlets are reporting that Luis Rubiales has resigned as the head of Spanish women's soccer following what's been called an "unwanted kiss" to a player. Such reporting is a... homerun? Slam dunk?... of a way to remind oneself how hard the media will cling to euphemisms when it comes to reporting on sexual assault.

The Talk Show World: It's A Mess

Rolling Stone published a big ol' reported feature on the toxic environment at Jimmy Fallon's Tonight Show which is allegedly due largely in part to the star himself. Anyone who dips their toes in the gossip world has regularly read about Fallon being a bit of a mess behind closed doors, with frequent drinking binges and world-ending hangovers, so I wasn't surprised. He has since apologized to staff for embarrassing them saying that he "feels so bad I can't even tell you." My man: you have a talk show. Talking is your job! Figure it out!

Fallon's past co-star and current pal, beloved actress Drew Barrymore, has become a little less beloved after announcing that her own talk show would go back into production despite the ongoing writer and actor strikes. In a statement, she suggested that this was not in violation of the strike rules because she wasn't bringing back her writers. "How could I be using scab writers when I'm using no writers?" she presumably thought, geniusly. Jimmy Fallon might have been creating a toxic workplace culture, but I'll give him this: at least he isn't forcing workers to cross picket lines. 

Celebrities: They're Just Like Us! Divorced

Last week I trashed about the rumored upcoming divorce of Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner, which they  confirmed to be true via joint statement a few days later. Emily Ratajkowski commented on the failed marriage on Instagram with a declarative post on how "chic" it is for a woman to be divorced by 30: "There is nothing better than being in your 30s, still being hot, maybe having a little bit of your own money, figuring out what you wanna do with your life, everything, and having tried that married fantasy and realizing that it’s maybe not all it’s cracked up to be and then you’ve got your whole life still ahead of you." As someone who got divorced at 30 and lived my best life after, I have to say: hard agree. Emily also seems to be locked in a struggle with what to do with her bangs. She and I are basically the same person. People are always saying this!

In other celeb divorce news, writer Stephen King shared that he used to be so infatuated with the banger "Mambo No. 5" and played it so frequently that his wife threatened to divorce him. He ultimately chose his marriage, and the couple is together to this day. I mean, you do you, Stephen King, but I can listen to Mambo No. 5 whenever I want and Emily Ratajkowski thinks I'm chic, so...

Politicians: They're Just Like Us! Awkward at Dancing

The White House held a party to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the birth of hip-hop. VP Kamala Harris hosted, and appeared to have had a good time, for which she was viciously attacked, obviously. But really, is there any way she could have attended this party without criticism? If she didn't dance at all, she would have been called lifeless. If she'd danced like today's hip-hop queens Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion, it would have meant bare buttcheeks and scissoring and I doubt that would have gone well either. 

There is simply no good way for a 58-year-old woman of color in a position of power to dance publicly.  But if you want to cringe at something that happened during the event, why not have it be her referring to her husband Doug Emhoff as Doug E. Fresh

Local Trash

City of Portland leaders are dragging their kicking and screaming employees back into offices because Ted Wheeler's friends want returns on their real estate investments as carbon-fueled climate disasters are killing us and COVID cases are rising again nationwide. Seems like a great plan! 

Look, I gotta go but I'll be thinking about all of you all week, and hope that in a world of Mondays, you get some lasagna.