Good morning, Trash Pandas! Welcome to another Trash Report. I'm Elinor Jones, still dazzled by yesterday's matinee of the Portland Gay Men's Chorus holiday show, "Make the Yuletide Gay." I'm feeling all sorts of festive and honestly? I'm a little bummed that Twitter is an unusable incel circle jerk, because I used to like thinking of holiday-themed handles. Imagine this post being shared by me, but as Jingle Bellinor Jones-Claus. Isn't it cuter?

(Speaking of the holidays, have you picked up the Mercury's special holiday print issue? Somebody really cute, but down to earth, wrote a whole thing about Santa.)

Here's some garbage:

There Are No Good Billionaires, but Some Are Better Than Others

Speaking of Twitter: Elon Musk invited Sandy Hook-denier Alex Jones back to the platform, surely as a very cynical ploy to get his tacky website some news coverage, which I am absolutely doing, but mostly as an opportunity to say that it's pathetic and they're both fucking losers

If I had billions of dollars, I promise you that you'd only hear my name when I was giving away large piles of it, à la Mackenzie Scott, the ex-wife of Amazon kajillionaire Jeff Bezos. This year she passed along a cool $2.1 billion. So baller is she in her philanthropy that she barely announced it, and when she did, she didn't even name all of the receiving organizations. This is a cool girl, doing cool girl shit. Was it worth Amazon killing bookstores and other small businesses to accumulate such tremendous wealth in the first place? Mm, probably not. But better to keep giving it away on good causes than buying platforms and making everyone hate you.

Other Daddy Issues

Hunter Biden was indicted on some fresh tax charges. This is pretty boring, but news about Hunter is fun because he's covered like some teen playboy making mischief at a boarding school, when in actuality the man is a 53-year-old father of four. Pundits wonder if Hunter's legal problems will hurt is father's chances at reelection. Who are these people who would have voted for President Biden, but now won't because his son is a rascal? Like, if you're voting on "least dirtbaggy adult children," Trump isn't a good alternative with those fuckin' goblins. Besides, if any current events could impact Biden's prospects, I'd wager it's his complacency on the genocide against Gazans

Other Fraud (Maybe), but For Prestige Television Stars

So this is a very interesting story: Succession star Alan Ruck was in a car accident a couple of months ago where he ran a red light and crashed into two cars and then a pizza shop. Word is that alcohol was not involved, but no word on what the fuck exactly was involved. According to Pajiba, "he was very apologetic but did not at the time have an explanation for why he darted across a busy intersection and into a pizza shop." That's a guy who's been famous for a long time: never accept fault or guilt! And he might not actually be at fault? The fight now sits with insurance agencies and lawyers. This is a gossip story I can get behind because not only is it unexpected and unique, it also involves legal logistics and probably a lot of paperwork. Your girl loves a case file!

Keep Keanu Unproblematic

Keanu Reeves' home was burglarized. Surely this must have been some sort of mistake, like that time somebody stole Mr. Rogers' car and when they found out it was his, they returned it with an apology note. Who would steal from this beloved perfect man! The news report goes on to say that the thieves made off with a gun. Okay, ew, and also, uh oh. Can Keanu remain certifiably nice if he owns a gun and therefore contributes to gun culture? It's not like he lives in a place where he has to have a gun to keep the coyotes away from his livestock. There must be some other explanation, like he had a friend who was a kind gun aficionado who was going through a major depressive episode and Reeves feared for the friend's safety and took the gun so the friend would not be tempted to self-harm, so this was actually a hero move? Yeah, let's go with that. Keep crushin', girlies.

Situationships Galore!

Celebrities: they're just like us! And in this case, it's settling down for the cold winter with whichever warm body we find in the fall. A ton of new couples are soft-launching right now. To start, we were all saddened when Dawson's Creek star Joshua Jackson split with his stunning wife, Jodie Turner Smith, earlier this fall. Then Lupita Nyong'o split with her beau. Then there were rumors of Percy and Lupita, which I immediately thought were baloney and people were just trying to mash two newly single hotties together. Alas, this seems to be real! They were papped last week holding hands at Joshua Tree. Or as Jackson would call it, "Me Tree." 

Remember a few weeks ago when I shared the really perplexing rumor that Kevin Costner was dating Reese Witherspoon, and that I didn't like it or buy it? Well, my senses were correct: the couple was not in fact hooking up, because Costner is dating none other than freaking Jewel! This one I like. This one makes sense. Not to be gross, and not that it's what makes or breaks a relationship, but I feel like both Kevin Costner and Jewel would be comfortable peeing outside, whereas Reese would never. Good luck, lovebirds!

And in new friend pairings, Halle Berry and Angelina Jolie are working on a project together, and Berry revealed that the two got off to a rough start. However, they eventually bonded over "divorces and exes." While part of me is like, "I've been divorced! I have exes! Let me be your friend," a bigger part of me is like, "the two of them talking about their failed marriages simmers at a temperature far too hot for normies to withstand." I mean, can you imagine? To be a fly on that wall! I even like to imagine that at some point the conversation got to Adrien Brody, who non-consensually frenched Berry at the Oscars all those years ago, who is now dating Georgina Chapman, the ex-wife of Harvey Weinstein, who Jolie refused to work with due to a bad encounter with him when she was starting out as an actress. Fun, right? That's your dessert tea. That's your little treat.

Other Trash Treats

What with inflation and whatever else, the cost of many household items has risen in the last couple of years. High on that list is extra virgin olive oil, which experts are warning may not even be real. "It was just butt stuff," claimed the virgin-ish olive oil.

On that note, I am signing off to curate my list of comfort movies that I'll have on in the background while I refresh war crimes on my phone. I hope that you have a great week, and that somebody compliments you on your festive spirit or perfect ass.

Not weirdly,