Hello, darling Trash Pandas, and welcome to THE TRASH REPORT! I'm Elinor Jones, coming to you live from as much chapstick and leave-in conditioner as I can get my hands on, because my Oregonian ass cannot handle this cold dryness. The power was out at my house for about six hours on Saturday, serving as a reminder just how not cut out for any sort of hardship I am. When a combination of extreme weather and pollution give rise to a species of ice zombies hellbent on the destruction of the human race, feel free to push me out in front of them to save yourself; I'd surely die soon anyway. 

National Trash

Or wait - Trashional News? Does that work? I'm trying it out.

Many of us have today off work in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. The worst people with a platform will try to wrangle his quotes into a defense of white supremacy ("MLK Jr did not want anyone to be judged on the color of their skin, therefore affirmative action policies at prestigious schools are the same as slavery!"), but the rest of us will be well-served to reflect on the fact that Dr. King was only 39 when he was killed, and how weird it is that that's how old Katy Perry is now.

Also today is the Iowa Caucuses, and the shape of the conversation going into this year's Presidential election will be decided by whichever random corn farmers felt like braving sub-zero temperatures to vote, or do whatever it is that happens at a caucus. I'm pretty smug about always participating in the electoral process, but I can guarantee you that I would be singing a different tune if voting meant sitting in a stranger's living room for several hours on a weeknight. 

Is It Lip-Reading or Lip-Projecting?

The biggest bit of celebrity gossip right now is whatever Selena Gomez whispered to Taylor Swift and Kelleigh Teller at the Golden Globes. Conspiracies abound, the most prevalent being that Selena was talking shit about Kylie Jenner about not letting Selena take a picture with Timothee Chalamet. The way Taylor and Kelleigh pulled back all aghast, and Selena's slow nod, made whatever she shared seem highly juicy. But guys: everyone gets shithammered at the Golden Globes; the severity of their reactions would have been all out of whack. Selena very possibly could have been slurring out "I didn't get any stuffed mushrooms at my table, but table 14 got a bunch" and Kelleigh was all "with Timothee??" and Selena gave the slow nod, because being drunk and not getting enough appetizers is fucking tragic and nobody should stand for it and it is especially unjust that Timmy got them all, when he is so slight and elvish that the decadence of the snack would have been wasted on him. Quelle horreur. 

Another notable piece of gossip from the Globes is that Ali Wong and Bill Hader are a thing. They have been for a while, but not everybody knew. I did though, of course, because I am trash and I really like the pap pics of them hiking together around LA because their height difference is so dramatic. I bet Bill is pretty much yelling to talk to Ali. She's always craning her neck, like "huh?" Get it, Ali, but I think there's something to be said for one of the biggest hearththrobs of the day being tiny chef Jeremy Allen White; girls like to kiss hunks that are already at eye level. It's just one less step to get to the smooching.

It's a Cup of Water. What Could it Cost? NOTHING.

The newest weird obsession for TikTok people is Stanley-brand reusable water cups. The craze has people asking if it's worth it to pay $35 - $45 for a water cup. Things like this unnecessarily challenge my interest in remaining on trend.  Of course a cup isn't worth $45! The only acceptable price for a reusable water bottle is "free at a conference my work made me go to" or "my friend left this in my car long enough ago that legally it's mine now (although I won't let them see me use it.)"

Moon Signs

According to CNN, "the moon has entered a new epoch," which is a very Neil De Grasse Tyson way to call the moon a messy bitch who loves drama. Apparently, the new epoch is all about astronauts leaving all their shit behind so the moon behind full of trash. And like, same girl.

Zendaya is also entering her new epoch by unfollowing everyone on Instagram. Deuxmoi said it was to get attention; I think it's because, what is Zendaya going to do on Instragram? Find hot people to emulate? She is Hot Person. She's done it. She's beaten Instagram. She gets the time back.

Local Trash

The city is still frigid and government agencies are running multiple warming shelters around town. I'm always moved to watch our community come together to keep our neighbors safe. It's a nice reminder that we care about one another. It's also a nice reminder that there is always space to house people, we just elect not to when the weather is normal. So nice.

One of my New Year's Resolutions (in addition to becoming famous*) was to cancel a bunch of streaming services, and I'm proud to say that I did it! It took canceling HBO Max to finally get me to rewatch the Lord of the Rings trilogy in the 30 days before the service stops, even though I own the extended versions on blu-ray and theoretically could watch them whenever I want, except I can't find the cord to connect the blu-ray player to the TV and that's why I got HBO Max in the first place. Stupid. Anyway, LOTR are still bangers, check 'em out in 2024. 


*My daughter asked me if I was famous yet and I told her no and she said "that makes sense; none of my friends know who you are." So if you ever feel compelled to write me hate mail, don't bother, I couldn't possibly ever be more roasted.