Good morning, Trash Pandas! I've missed you. Welcome to The Trash Report, where I will guide you through some things that happened recently in the news, peppering in my own colorful commentary. Will you chuckle? Guffaw? A slight smirk, perhaps? I sure hope so! If I can't be funny I'll have to start being pretty, and I'm simply too lazy to blow out my hair every day.

Now, onto the GOSSIP.

Tears of a Crown

I saw the most amazing headline from CNN the other day. Or at least, I thought I did. It was "KING CHARLES MOVED TO TEARS BY MESSAGES OF SUPPORT." But there was a line break in how this was displayed to me, so I only read the crying part, and I was like "ha ha, that's what you get you weird-fingered colonizer!" Then I read the second part, and who is sending messages to King Charles? Ew! It was like this: 

Moon Bitch

Private company Intuitive Machines last week successfully landed a craft known as Odie on the surface of the moon. Cute! It's been 50 years since we put stuff up there, although conspiracy theories have abounded since, with many of your friends and neighbors believing that the initial moon landing was propaganda directed by Stanley Kubrick. Kubrick has been dead for years, so how will they explain this one? What contemporary director has a similar place in our culture to become the star of this century's orbital hoax? Greta Gerwig has the momentum and popularity to get blamed, but I feel that she's too stylized; there's no way she'd direct a fake landing without it becoming highly Instagrammable. Wouldn't work. Christopher Nolan could work—his movies are always super dark, which would easily hide the shadows cast by production equipment. But I really think that the obvious choice here is Michael Bay, who has extensive experience faking space with 1999's highly plausible Armageddon. Get a fast-talking 15-year-old TikTokker to put an Aerosmith song behind it, and boom: flawless moonspiracy. 

In other Earth satellite news, AT&T users experienced several hours of service outage last week, and the gigantic, highly profitable corporation at fault is offering its users FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS for the inconvenience!? This is somehow more offensive than putting an unwanted U2 album on all our phones. I am likely to spend upwards of $200 in a single phone session buying whatever Instagram tells me to, so  AT&T would owe me a novelty sweatshirt, some skin treatment that makes my skin redder (and I can't tell if that means it's working or is poisoning me), and enough supplements to mess up my bathroom trips for one calendar year. Lucky for them, I have Verizon. 

And in other phone news (wow, so many through lines!), gossip site Pajiba has this extremely informative breakdown of why so many not-poor-seeming celebrities are suddenly hawking cheesy phone games. Kylie Jenner is allegedly a billionaire. Honestly, it doesn't seem fair? She doesn't need the money! Give it to an actor whose Netflix show was unceremoniously canceled. Plus then it'd be easier to believe that they were pissing away their days on their phones like the rest of us. That said, I do love a new reason to be mad at the mega-rich, so thanks for this, Royal Match. 

SAG it to me

The Screen Actors Guild awards were last weekend. It was a great time for fashion—second tier awards shows are always better than the Oscars as far as clothing goes, IMHO. In their coverage of the outfits, People magazine posted some clickbait about Fran Drescher having a wardrobe malfunction on the red carpet, and because I am trash, I pervertedly clicked through. Alas, this wasn't a nip slip sitch; Drescher's earring got caught on her dress is all. I'd call it more of a mishap than a malfunction. Let this serve as a reminder to me that People magazine is too classy to post something truly raunchy. I should have known better, and in the future maybe I'll be more careful about what I click on. (I won't be.)

The SAG red carpet was also noteworthy for reminding us that Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl and Seth Cohen from The OC are IRL married and cute:

Lando and a Mando?

Sometimes a tasty morsel of news fits perfectly into the middle part of a Venn diagram of my partner's interests and mine: Star Wars star Billy Dee Williams, who portrayed Lando Calrissian, winked at the rumors of him possibly being gay, and shared what he's learned more recently about gender fluidity. For all you couples whose individual circles are "1970s sci-fi" and "who wants to kiss who," you've got banter for days off this.

Local Trash

Portland City Council voted to make it so that property owners only have 10 days to clean up graffiti on their property. Okay, does this mean ODOT then only has 10 days to clean graffiti off traffic signs? Because there seems to be a new trend of people tagging over directions on the big green signs on I-5 and 84 and it makes it very difficult for drivers, including dum-dums like me who perhaps have lived in Oregon their entire life, but still rely a lot on posted guidance! Let's talk about that graffiti, eh city council? The kind that impacts me

Ew, it might snow this week? NO. Everybody knows that regardless of what a calendar and the planets say, spring emotionally starts after Valentine's day. If there are Easter decorations out at Freddie's, the time for snow has passed. Bunnies at store, snow no more, as they say. (As I say. Now. For the first time. But I think we can make it catch on! When it snowed in April a couple years ago it knocked all the blossoms off my pear tree and then I had to endure the autumn with store-bought pears, like some sort of opposite-farmer!)

Thanks for spending this time with me, you angelic receptacles of garbage and nonsense. Every last one of you is kind and gorgeous and has impeccable taste.