Hello, and welcome back to The Trash Report! I'm Elinor Jones, feeling much better now than I felt last week. I think the universe knew I was blue—probably because I loudly broadcast it?—and I have since been complimented for my humor and the effectiveness of my skincare routine (sunblock and botox, babies!) and so the ego is recharged. Thank you, everyone, for being nice to me and to others. We love a kind Trash Panda. Now, onto the gossip! 

Hope Springs Happily Ever After

The hush money trial of disgraced ex-president Donald Trump carried on last week. We have previously discussed the rumors of Trump farting in the courtroom, but they bear repeating, because they're funny. Trump has not addressed the olfactory allegations, but did take to Truth Social in response to the many media reports of him nodding off in court, posting "Contrary to the FAKE NEWS MEDIA, I don't fall asleep during the Crooked D.A.'s Witch Hunt, especially not today. I simple close my beautiful blue eyes, sometimes, listen intensely, and take it ALL in!!!" Oh yes, isn't that how the famous quote goes? Justice isn't blind, she's just resting her beautiful blue eyes....?

Trump's right-hand-woman Hope Hicks took the stand to admit that it was highly unlikely that Trump fixer Michael Cohen acted on his own in paying Stormy Daniels $130,000. She also cried, which is White Lady for "I'm the real victim here." Then, seemingly swept up in the romance of sniffing whatever kind of farts a diet of overcooked steak with ketchup will give an old man, 35-year-old Hicks also just announced her engagement to 53-year-old Goldman Sachs finance guy Jim Donovan. Hicks and Donovan are what I call "Rectangle People," in that they look like a collection of rectangles. It's what Taylor Swift meant when she sang about a poet "trapped inside the body of a finance guy." Bodies of finances guys are, factually, rectangles, which are very hard to escape, especially for poets, who do not think linearly. Congratulations, Hope and Jim! May you be blessed with many bouncing bundles of long limbs and right angles.

FreeSpeech, FreeSpeech, FreeSpeech!

Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert showed up to George Washington University to heckle students protesting against Israel's war on Gaza, but the heckler became the heckled: Gleeful college students chanted "BEETLEJUICE" over Boebert's bloviating, referencing when she was kicked out of a production of the Beetlejuice musical last year for singing and vaping and groping her (now ex) boyfriend. Boebert tried to regain the narrative by trying to rip a Palestinian flag off a George Washington statue, saying "this is America and that shit needs to come down!" I know these people have brain worms and it doesn't matter, but like, ma'am, how do you think that George Washington felt about colonialism, exactly? 

Pitt's Paps

Brad Pitt was "papped" over the weekend walking on the beach with his girlfriend Ines de Ramon (aged 34.) There's a great explainer over on Lainey Gossip on Brad Pitt's carefully orchestrated use of paparazzi in pushing whatever narrative that he wants to push and the suspicious timing of the seemingly wholesome walk when Pitt's also been in the news for having been abusive in his marriage to Angelina Jolie beyond what had been previously reported. Remember early on in his relationship with Jolie, when there were the famous shots of the couple together on a beach with their oldest son, and then an expansive conversation about Jolie's alleged manipulation of the press which made her a bad person? Isn't it interesting that Pitt is actually the common denominator in both beach stroll "pap" shots? If it was tacky of Jolie then, what's the narrative now? (The narrative is misogyny.)

Movie Magic

I watched Anne Hathaway's new rom-com The Idea of You over the weekend and I loved it. Some people are pretending to be skeeved out about the plot, which centers on a 40-year-old mom dating a 24-year-old pop star. This in the same stupid culture where in this very column I've talked about a 35-year-old woman engaged to a man 18 years her senior, and a 34-year-old woman dating a 60-year-old. Why is it weird when it's a woman? Hmm, I wonder. (It's misogyny!)

Speaking of romance, Tiffany Haddish revealed that Henry Cavill was on her short list of actors that she wanted to get to know in a naked sense. That is, until she talked to him and learned he was a nerd. Cavill had seemed like a Rectangle Persontm to me, but I'll be damned if learning that he's a dorky freak didn't wipe him off Tiffany's short list and land him right on mine. That jawline AND he'd be down to watch Lord of the Rings? Hubba fuckin' hubba.

And speaking of Lord of the Rings: Actor Bernard Hill, who played King Theoden in the epic trilogy, died over the weekend at the age of 79. Hill died as the character of Theoden, and also died while portraying the captain of the Titanic in Titanic. Hill died doing what he loved: dying. 

And back to speaking of romance: Actress Tori Spelling revealed on her podcast that she broke her front tooth while making out with former Beverly Hills 90210 co-star Jason Priestly in an elevator. What I love about the revelation is that she didn't say when. Was it in 1992, or last week? Who's to say? And who cares? Regardless of the date, I think we can all agree: Yah girl. Get it. 

Local Trash

Several zebras escaped from a trailer in Washington while en route to a Montana wildlife preserve. Three of the zebra were recaptured almost immediately while the fourth remained at-large for close to a week. Thankfully, reports have said that she's been in good health after several days in the woods, and like, no shit! I'd also probably be thriving after several days in nature away from my family (whom I love dearly) and society at large (whom I love very much but with some caveats). 

Wow everybody, can you believe we're already at the end of the column? Also, can you believe that if you Google "Portland report trash" you get links to this column one spot ahead of the actual city page for reporting trash? I think that's pretty cool. I'm sorry if you found this page while trying to clean up your neighborhood, but also, you're welcome. I hope that you also stay one spot ahead of your enemies, today, tomorrow, and till the end of time.