Hi! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I'm Elinor Jones. I recently had drinks with several former Mercury writers and was asked if I was embarrassed by anything I've written in my ~13 (😮) years at this rag. I answered honestly that I can barely bring myself to link back to things I wrote last week, let alone things I wrote in my 20s; self-reflection isn't really my brand. Can you believe I said that? I wonder if I meant it? Instead of looking inward, I'll be distracted by the next shiny thing.

This is what I look like shopping for news for you:

On to the gossip!

Keep Portland Jilled

First Lady Jill Biden stopped in Portland last week to attend a quick fundraiser in Lake Oswego. Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler was there, and later told the press "it's nice to see the First Lady supporting our city and taking an interest in what we do here." Buddy! She wasn't even in our city! Was there nowhere decent in Portland proper for her to glad-hand wealthy Democrats? You know, I almost think she was trying to keep away from the riffraff by going to Lake Oswego, and that is especially not "what we do here." In Portland, riffraff is the name of the game!

Meanwhile, President Joe was fundraising in Seattle. At first I got a little bit offended that he went to Seattle instead of coming here, but I get it: the Seattle Times reported that there were only about 100 antiwar protesters near his event downtown, and I know Portland would have shown up in much higher numbers. Clearly, the President didn't go to Seattle because he liked it more; he only feared it less. Joe Biden: I vomit in my mouth to admit that Oregon will vote blue no matter who, but we would love the opportunity to yell at you first! Please visit!

Northern Exposure

This weekend's Instagram was jam-packed with pictures of the Northern lights that graced our skies. I did not see the event in person because I was tired, but I've been loving the pics. Keep 'em coming. Show me how you go outside after 8 pm. I love to know what's possible.

Speaking of being tired, Happy Mother's Day yesterday to all the moms and mom-adjacents out there! I hope that you drank so many mimosas that you lost count and didn't realize you'd polished off a solid two bottles of champagne before 12 pm, and that your family gave you space to nap or internet shop in peace. 

And speaking of parenting, Justin and Hailey Bieber announced that they are expecting their first child! Mazel! Madame Tussauds in London wasted no time in giving Justin's wax likeness a wax baby. Weird? Cute? All of the above!  

Not About Julia Roberts, but Featuring Julia Roberts

Kelly Ripa said on her show that one time she was on a flight from New York to LA and another celebrity was near her and that celebrity was talking mad shit about some other celebrities, loudly, so that everybody could hear, and what did Kelly do? She shushed them! Which is exactly the wrong move! Wealth is wasted on the rich, I can tell you that much. If it were me hearing that bitch sesh I would have gone full Steel Magnolias with a "If you can't say anything nice about anybody, come sit by me!" But then the celeb probably would have been like, "Um, you're in coach, so no thanks, I'll just be quieter." 

And on gossip, impeccable celebrity stylist Luxury Law talked about his dizzying streak dressing Zendaya for a million red carpets. He said that he does remember who said no to them in Zendaya's early days, and he will hold a grudge, and he names names. Yes! This is how you do that! And now we're getting Pretty Woman: "Big mistake. Big. Huge." I hope Chanel regrets their ties to the Nazi regime the most, but I hope that sleeping on Zendaya is their second-biggest regret.

Good Ones

The kids from Mrs. Doubtfire recently chatted on a podcast about what a cool movie dad Robin Williams was on that set. Lisa Jakub, who portrayed the eldest daughter, said that she got kicked out of high school during filming because her school was sick of her completing homework by mail. Robin Williams was incensed by the slight and wrote to the school, demanding Jakub's reinstatement. It didn't work, but the school did frame and hang the letter. This is a funnier ending, underscoring Williams' comedy genius, even if it may not have been intentional in this instance. 

Another good one: my favorite doctor, David Tenant. He was recently approached on the red carpet and asked about the gender binary. His response: "Fuck off and let people be." He also regularly sports clothing and accessories supporting the LGBTQ community. Meanwhile, disgraced children's author J.K. Rowling is getting grosser and grosser in her hate speech against the trans community, most recently by targeting a transgender soccer coach. So, 2013 tumblr was half-right in who it stanned.

Unrelated by too good to not share: Creed frontman Scott Stapp and his wife are getting a divorce after nearly two decades of marriage. I guess someone's arms are not wide open. 

Dog News!

In between pictures of the purple sky, my Instagram has been blowing up with stories about how much we should be doing for our dogs. Did a fucking dog take over the algo? What is happening? The first story is from the Washington Post which asks the question: "Does your dog need more friends?" And like, you guys. I can barely maintain relationships with my friends. I spend most of my time supporting my child in her social and emotional development with her own friends. Now I've gotta worry about my dog?! My dog has enough friends, and they are the three humans and two cats that she lives with. Where's my pulitzer, WaPo?

Then the New York Times wrote about how inbred dogs have become, and the star on the list of inbred dogs is none other than the beautiful, psychotic pug, which happens to be the kind of dog I have. You telling me nature didn't want us to have a deformed tiny wolf whose eyeballs can fall out? Fake news!

This tweet is, as they say, a ride:

Okay, time for a nap. Thanks for reading, for sharing, for being hot, and for being nice to your mom.