Hi, everyone! Welcome back to The Trash Report. I'm Elinor Jones! I'm going on vacation next week, but writing this first because the only thing I'll put off harder than writing is packing to go somewhere. This is great for you, but bad for me in three days when I'm dressed head to toe in I <3 NY bodega clothes because I forgot to bring anything to wear. I hope to bring back fun gossip about cool people I see out and about Manhattan, but the sad truth is that I'll probably be spending most of my time waiting for my daughter to browse the entirety of the M&Ms store. (Spoiler, kid: It's just more M&Ms.)

First: gossip!

Who Amongst Us Is Not Having Their Tour Ruined?

Justin Timberlake was arrested on charges of driving while intoxicated in the Hamptons last week. (Look: I know it's been all over the gossip sites already, but it's not my fault my column is coming at at the tail end of the story having any legs! What am I supposed to do, not pile on? Um, no thanks.) The internet has had several field days making fun of Timberlake specifically for the young arresting officer not knowing who Timberlake was. Even People magazine has joined in; they're famously cautious in their reporting lest they lose their friendly access to celebs, so this is very telling as far as Timberlake's current cultural status goes.

Since the arrest, stories have come out about the arresting officer being an overzealous rookie who'd even earned the name "little red-headed dipshit" for his excessive policing. Do I believe that a young cop would get freaky with power and act far more aggressively than a situation merits? Obviously. Do I believe that the mega-rich in the Hamptons believe that they should be able to drive as drunk and/or swervy as they want with no consequences merely by virtue of being mega-rich? Again: obviously! So it's hard to take a side in this conflict that in no way involves me when hating cops and rich people is so highly on-brand for us, you know?

ALSO: WTF is wrong with rich people that they're driving themselves in the first place? If I get rich, Personal Driver is like #3 on the list of people I hire, just after People Who Deal with my Laundry (I'll have two of these).

Timberlake has taken a fairly humble yet defiant stance publicly, both maintaining he'd only had one drink and was not driving impaired AND thanking fans for their support. Actually, his exact wording was "you guys just keep riding with me" which is an interesting phrasing when he was allegedly driving dangerously. His fans are all, support you? Sure. But ride with you? In a car? Girl. No.

Other Celeb News You Might Be Tired Of, But Different!

The news about an impending Bennifer divorce has been a deafening buzz over the last couple of months without any solid information on what has actually become of their union, except most of the leaks we're getting are highly sexist, which is bad. However, gossip site Crazy Days and Nights recently revealed a blind item alleging that J. Lo seems to have softened recently and in fact no longer orders for her dining companions when they are out to eat together, which she had been doing for years. YEARS!? I'm so mad on behalf of everyone she's dined with! Ordering from a menu scratches that same itch as shopping online, and to be denied that by a bossy millionaire hell-bent on dictating the table's aesthetic or whatever, is fucking mean, full stop. Imagine wanting a burger and then having to eat pasta? This is a new hypothetical I'll have to stress about when I daydream about how my life would be different if I were rich (in addition to finding the right laundry staff).

Speaking of divorce, you know who just got married? Thomas Brodie-Sangster, the English actor who some may know as Bran's weird friend Jojen on Game of Thrones, or as the cute platonic-ish chess friend in The Queen's Gambit, but most likely as the little boy who runs through the airport in Love, Actually. Before you go calling the cops on child marriage, please be aware that time has passed, and the little boy is now in fact a 34-year-old man. But wait—it gets more uncomfortable: the woman he married, Talulah Riley, was previously married to failed child submarine developer Elon Musk and it really doesn't seem right for the two of them to operate in the same age bracket of the dating pool. It's not a Venn diagram that I enjoy. 

London Boys, but Weird

Taylor Swift's Eras tour had its first run on London shows, and the celebrity guest list was pretty impressive. Prince William was there with two of his kids, Bridgerton's Nicola Coughlan was there with Jonathan Van Ness and Salma Hayek, and Tom Cruise was chilling in the VIP zone with Swift's boyfriend Travis Kelce. As Hugh Grant reminds us, Kelce is a gigantic boyfriend, so him and Cruise chilling together makes me smile. It's like when someone is walking a chihuahua next to a St. Bernard. Like, these are the same species, for real? Tom Cruise's presence was weird because famous people have been showing up at the Eras tour with their kids to win their love through good seats, and Cruise is famously estranged from his youngest. In fact, it seems daughter Suri has even dropped "Cruise" from her name. So, was going to the concert a message to Suri? Like, look what you're missing out on? Because Suri has two famous parents; surely Katie could also score good tickets. It's a weird flex. That Tom Cruise is a weird guy. 

(And don't try to tell me Tom Cruise was just there for the show. He doesn't do things for fun. He does things For Movies, because he is a Movie Star. Maybe the next Mission Impossible movie has him getting exploded out of a stadium and he was doing recon?)

Let's counter all that with some news about a man doing some real good for societry: Paul Mescal as a face of Gucci Menswear has come out hard for men wearing short shorts—"I'm a big advocate for men wearing shorter shorts"—and we like the tone this is setting for the summer. 

Local Trash

I'm way over on word count because apparently I had a lot to say about Justin Timberlake, but I want to quickly send my warmest congratulations to Oregon's own Wild Thang, a funky little pekingese that was just crowned World's Ugliest Dog 2024. We think he is perfect.

I didn't want to start the column with this, but I want you all to know that over the weekend I went to a wedding at a farm in Eugene that was gorgeous but my allergies' worst nightmare, and for that wedding I got sick fake nails which look perfectly hot and mean (tiny bitch summer is happening) but have made typing very hard; despite constant sneezing and incessant clacking, I powered through for all of you, because I love you. Whatever you're doing, keep in mind that you could probably be doing it in shorter shorts.

New Yorkerly,