Hiiiiiii! Welcome to another Trash Report. I'm Elinor Jones. This weekend I was camping at a place with no cell service. What'd I miss? Ha ha, jk. Remember that part in Home Alone when the one Wet Bandit gets into the basement and tries to turn on a light and pulls the lamp string and looks up and gets hit in the face with an iron? That's how I felt when I turned my phone back on Sunday, after being without news for three days. Holy shit! What a weekend! So sorry to all of my camping laundry and my tent that got rained on and put away wet and really needs to be aired out and properly cleaned, but mommy needs to read the entire internet. And then talk to angel Trash Pandas about it!
President Harris
After weeks of speculation and party infighting, President Biden finally announced that he will not be seeking reelection and threw his support behind current VP, and future Big P, Kamala Harris. I'm excited! Like millions of others, I spent the last month crossing my fingers that Biden would step down while also knowing I'd vote for him if I had to in November and it was very depressing. I'm looking forward to general presidential election anxiety instead of Biden-induced election anxiety! It's very possible that my soul would have left my body if an old man's golf scores were ever mentioned again on the campaign trail. Does Kamala even play golf? I'm going to go with "no" without checking because I simply cannot entertain that conversation one second longer.
To put it into 2024 terms:
kamala IS brat
— Charli (@charli_xcx) July 22, 2024
Then, I had NPR on for all of about 10 minutes before someone made a reference to George Washington as characterized by Hamilton and I remembered that the conversation will always find a way to be cringe. (Also, someone on that allegedly left-leaning news source also went straight for the "cAn AmErIcA hAnDlE a WoMaN PrEsiDeNt?!!???! seemingly forgetting that a woman WON the popular vote in 2016! Bitch, we have been ready!) Biden has been heaped with praise for his decision which surely has Trump steaming, but he's also gotta be thinking like, shit, all I gotta do is step down and then people will love me? Yeah, man, give it a shot! We will not stop you!
Wow pic.twitter.com/Ggyun9HBzi
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) July 21, 2024
International Sports (Not Golf)
The Paris Olympics are kicking off this week! I love the Summer Olympics, mostly for pictures of the swimmers and divers 🤤 but also for the gymnastics and general international comradery. It's the only time when the flag aesthetic can be chic, you know? Give Ralph Lauren, not MAGA. The world is very joie de vivre about these particular Olympics because they're being hosted in the very chic city of Paris! Ooh la la, right? No. WRONG. The captain of Japan's gymnastics team settled into the Parisian lifestyle by drinking and smoking ciggies, as one should, but was then unceremoniously kicked off the team for drinking and smoking. Look, you can't ban drinking and smoking when you're sending a bunch of stressed out young adults to Paris! At the original Olympics, did they make the contestants run naked but then insist they not observe one another's athletic rumps? For me, part of my excitement for the games this year was watching to see which athletes came home with berets or like, baguettes sticking out of the top of their carry-ons.
“Claire, it’s French” pic.twitter.com/gKmG6ra2ku
— jor (@jor_nyc) July 16, 2024
Trash Celebrities
Famed slapper Will Smith has spent recent days sharing a yacht with Johnny Depp, which is not how I'd like to be on a yacht. For real, if someone was like "you can have a kayak with a normie or a yacht with Johnny Depp," you know I'd be in that kayak, and I'm lazy as hell. Smith and Depp are on their way to some Andrea Bocelli event, but like, were there no other yachts available? Do they have to share, or are they choosing to share? This is important to know when you're deciding how much you're willing to spend to watch the new Bad Boys movie. I wouldn't be surprised if they swung by some new luxury condos in Europeans exurbs to pick up Brad Pitt and give the whole yacht a very Highly Divorced Man Energy. (Smith isn't divorced, but you don't have to be divorced to have Highly Divorced Man Energy.)
Speaking of mess, Justin Long recently confessed to having once had such horrible food poisoning that he shat himself while in bed with his wife Kate Bosworth. Long told the story on a podcast and said that "she was not judging." And all of her besties in her group chat were holding their laughter in their mouths, aggressively nodding like "oh yeah for sure she had no judgement at all about this!"
Universe Trash
NASA is allegedly full of geniuses, but they really solidified their intelligence for me by their decision to blast Missy Elliott jams into space. What a fantastic selection! I wonder what the debate was like to get to that song. Like, what kind of vibe do we want to present on behalf of Earth to any potentially cool and/or single aliens out there? It's a very 2005 MySpace vibe to get that perfect first impression for your page, right? What screams "life on Earth, but cute?" There must have been so many suggestions across so many generations and styles of people and to have landed on this says something great about humanity. It might be too soon and I bet the Democrats' plan will be to balance the ticket but is there any reason why Missy Elliott couldn't be the VP pick?! I mean, if they think they'd love her in space, wouldn't they also love her in Pennsylvania, Arizona, and Georgia?
Local Trash
Beloved songstress Britney Spears confused many in a recent Instagram post showing a stock photo of a package of shredded Tillamook cheese with the caption about love and freedom. It makes no sense. It's so weird. It's too weird for Tillamook to ever dream of using in ad campaigns, which has to be a very frustrating way. It couldn't be a commercial but it could be an informative plaque at the cheese factory some day, like a "did you know" with a "yeah we don't get it either" explainer. It's four-dimensional chess. It's a chapter in future biographies. It's shredded cheese, but from here.
Goals! This Dog Has No Idea What's Going On: https://t.co/LKyXqvWY0C pic.twitter.com/wyZyUOBAT0
— Reductress (@Reductress) July 20, 2024
Thanks for reading, and for being the best. I'm glad you were here to take this deep exhale with me! I love you and I like you.
Presidentially,