Hi Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I'm Portland's best kept secret, Elinor Jones. We're at the point in summer when it's been hot enough for long enough that this weekend I thought about chopping off my hair, to which my male partner said "hmm yeah I could see that," and thank GOD for girlfriends who could shake me by the shoulders and remind me how long it's taken to grow out my hair and that doing anything besides maintaining my bangs would be madness at this point. Anyway, that's what's up with me. Let's check on the trash, shall we?

Squad Goal-ympics

I am absolutely loving the Olympics! God, the amount of pride I feel for the US Olympics Team is overwhelming; borderline ew, like am I becoming a flag girlie? Thankfully, I follow many people on social media who still share important news and images about impoverished Americans the government is not helping or the war in Gaza that our government is funding, lest I accidentally become too patriotic. Still—what a rush! Seeing tacky bedazzled Republicans at the RNC a couple weeks ago made me want to hurl, but throw some gemstones on a leotard and I am in line. 

(People always make the joke about becoming sports judges while farting on the couch and then brag about which sport they feel they could annihilate had they only had the time, money, and financial backing. Not me! At least not during the Summer Olympics. All that shit looks hard! I save my misplaced confidence for the Winter Olympics. All those sports are just hurling a thing/person across some snow. I've been on ice skates mayyyyyyyyybe 10 times in my life, but I think I could pick up and dominate in speed skating. It simply cannot possibly be hard. Swish, swish, swish, medal please.) 

The Olympics of the internet has developed a ton of sudden micro-celebrities, from pommel horse guy to the parmesan gymnast to the rugby player who confused everyone by not hating her not-tiny body. I've been especially tickled by the vibes of the shooting competitors despite hating guns with every fiber of my being. It's very confusing! I wonder if the gun lobby is simply appealing to the wrong instincts in trying to lobby support. Has the NRA ever considered simply serving cunt? 

Veep Me Off My Feet

It's very possible that by the time you are reading this, Vice President Kamala Harris will have announced who she's picked to be her running mate, and I'm sure he'll be a very nice white guy. My favorite is still Tim Walz. Mayor Pete has also been putting on a good show lately, but it's not quite screaming VP. The vibe for him is more high-profile cabinet gig, like Treasury or Defense. Banks or tanks, as it were. 

But the biggest gossip around a white guy in Kamala's orbit has been her husband, future First Gentleman Doug E. Fresh Emhoff, who confirmed a tabloid report that he'd had an affair during his first marriage. Trump and Vance will probably try to work this into their campaign messaging, but it'll probably fail because they've been fucking up left and right lately. In fact, I'd wager to bet that any attempt at slandering a gem like Doug Emhoff will only serve to remind everyone that Trump is on his third marriage and was just very recently convicted of many felonies for trying to cover up, that's right, an affair! 

Stars: They're Just Like Us!

Hollywood icon and one of the most beautiful women of all time Demi Moore partnered with a gut-health lifestyle brand and read a book about farting on Instagram. "There's no shame in a fart," she said. Umm, sometimes there is! Sure, everyone farts, but that doesn't mean that farting isn't also gross? When I see a hot girl driving with windows up who suddenly only briefly cracks a window, I think we all know what just happened. 

Speaking of hot girls making something not hot into something hot girls do, rapper Cardi B announced her upcoming divorce with Offset in a gorgeous Instagram post in which she also revealed her third pregnancy. Divorce, but make it chic, and also somehow family-friendly? JD Vance could never.

(Speaking of JD Vance [again] I saw the Decemberists at the Edgefield a few nights ago and they went into a weird long spooky tirade, as they do, but instead of singing about whaling or extinct tinctures, it was about JD Vance being an stonecold freak, and it landed just as well, and if your general vibe is so disturbing that it works in a Decemberists riff, maybe it's time to reevaluate your place in politics.)

The head of GLAAD landed in the news for "lavish spending" for events. Look: lavish is a word that was basically invented to describe gay philanthropy. GLAAD spending should be lavish. We are moments away from zoomers writing headlines and similar occurrences in the future will either be "cunty" or "gagged," so. Accept this, and move on.  

Medial Moguls: They're Not Enough Like Us!

Rupert Murdoch and his children are doing some weird Succession-esque jockeying for power and I don't know why in the world anyone would ever read about it when they could simply rewatch Succession. I don't know how we could be expected to care about backstabbing media billionaires if Shiv's ass in expensive slacks isn't a part of it.

Local Trash

Opposite of trash: USA Today released a list of the best bars of America, and local booze eden Hey, Love was on the list! People love drinking around plants, so this makes a lot of sense to me. It's like if camping was inside, and clean, and chic, ya know? Congrats, Hey, Love! (Disclosure: one of my best pals of all time is a co-owner there; if you're wondering if I'm saying this for journalistic integrity or for bragging, the answer is fuckin' both, bitch! )

In other news, a family pet tortoise recently escaped their Southeast Portland home but was found by police two days later. Portland Police said "fortunately, the tortoise is not fast, so we were able to catch up to him pretty quickly" and my initial thought was "ha, ha! Drag his ass! Tortoises are very slow!" and then my second, my cynical thought was "yeah right, you got him quickly. Probably had to take ten breaks then bill for OT." Because I'm damaged, lol.

Speaking of reporting, did you hear this paper has a new owner? I'm hoping it means great success for this li'l outlet, but huge success for me. I won't tell you when I've made it, but there will be signs: 

Cheesily,