What's happening Trash Pandas? Welcome back to the Trash Report. I am Elinor Jones and I am not doing well! Lucky for us, things have been shitty often enough and recently enough that we can disassociate and do our silly little activities. How fortunate we are to live in times that challenge us! JK! I hate it!!

Elections Trash

Well my friends, I guess we didn't coconut hard enough, because Donald Trump is headed back to the White House. A lot of people will have a lot of thoughtful breakdowns in the coming weeks and months about what went wrong, but it seems pretty obvious to me that we live in a country that hates women—Black women especially—and they like Trump. It sucks, but usually the simplest explanation is the correct one. Ad buys in Pennsylvania or door knocking in Michigan wouldn't have changed the fact that people hate women and like Trump, and even if they didn't totally love Trump, they were at least more comfortable with him in power than with a woman. Democrats spent a billion dollars to try to educate voters on why Trump is bad, but it didn't work; people know he's bad, they just don't care, or they like that part about him. They like how Trump talks more than they like the way Democrats talk, especially Democrats who are women. This handwringing about like "oh, if only people understood the real issues" and like: no. We're past that. Issues don't matter. Not only do people not care, but it also makes Democrats even less likable when we're trying to scold them over to our side. During one of my spirals I realized how weird it is that there isn't even a phrase like "owning the libs" for chuds? Like, us bullying them into silence or an embarrassing hissy fit isn't even on the damn table. Why is that? What are we doing? In hindsight the best messaging of the entire campaign was when everybody laughed at J.D. Vance for fucking a couch; if we could have had more like that in play instead of Liz fucking Cheney reminding us that Kamala Harris is pro-military and celebrities who will never worry about money insisting that Biden's economy is good, actually, we probably could have could probably have gotten some people (who voted only off vibes) to like ours better, although probably not enough to convince people not to hate women. As you can tell, I am very, very angry! Most of it is directed at Joe Biden. He should have run in 2016, he should not have run in 2020, he shouldn't have attempted a reelection campaign this year, and then he should have dropped out faster when the writing was on the wall after the debate in June. End rant. (For now. There's still a lot of juice in this tank, and it's gonna be a loooong four years.)

Portland: Inspirational!

Trump promised RFK Jr a role overseeing health in his new administration, and the first order of business floated is removing fluoride from our nation's drinking water. This captured headlines for its absurdity. "Why in the world would we not take such an easy and impactful action to help everybody, but especially poor children, have healthier teeth? What anti-science freakshows would take issue with fluoride in the water?" "Wow, yeah, totally," said the city of Portland as we pulled our shirt collars up around our faces and sought an immediate exit from the conversation. Being part of a Venn diagram where one circle is RFK Jr. and the other circle is Portland and the middle part is "fluoride = bad" is not a good look for us.

In other news, fans allege that someone attending a recent Sabrina Carpenter concert squatted and peed in the middle of the pit before the show started. Knowing that Carpenter had just played in Portland, when I saw the headline about someone being gross at a show, I immediately assumed that it happened here. I was wrong—it was San Francisco—but that is the kind of national news I'd like our city to make and not "RFK Jr approves of Portland's municipal health initiatives." Let's go back to "Portland Sucks." Nationally, it's an easier place for us to be.

Wicked Merch

The thing that might divide my family this Thanksgiving is not politics—we are all aligned there, thank God—but whether we should first see Moana 2 or Wicked. We are leaning Moana 2, mostly because this Disney sequel is shockingly not the one unleashing inescapable product tie-ins everywhere I look. Speaking of which, the folks at Mattel did so by putting a link to a porn site on the packaging for some Glinda and Elphaba dolls and had to apologize and issue a recall. LOL. I can imagine the exhausted and overworked marketing associate who's trying to stave off sleep by occasionally watching some adult content and deliriously copy-pasting the wrong link. Look, you mass produce 10,000 different green and pink items, you're bound to screw up something.  

In other Wicked news, director Jon Chu missed the LA premiere because his wife went into labor and gave birth to a baby girl. The baby is the couple's fifth; a full three of those five children were born during the development and filming of Wicked. His wife may have told him she was proud of him, but her body was clearly saying "no sir, we are not doing that anymore." And she feels like five kids is plenty, but knows that Wicked 2 is only a year away and is debating whether a sixth baby could keep that press buzz out of their family life.

AOTY When?

Grammy nominations came out last week, and women came out on top. Imagine if Kamala Harris won the White House during the same week that Beyoncé became the most nominated artist in Grammy history? We could have been so happy, and so annoying. Etsy would have gotten absolutely filthy with throw pillow bearing feminist catchphrases. This column would have been damn near unreadable, even more so than usual. The gods took a look at us American women as our souls threatened to leave our bodies with how badly we (at least most of us) needed a win, and said "they simply cannot have both things" and went with Grammys instead of the presidency, which isn't the direction I would have gone, but I am not a god. Yet.

Fugitive Animals

A passenger got video of a raccoon falling out of the ceiling at La Guardia airport in New York City. La Guardia had just been named America's Best Airport, taking the coveted spot that PDX usually holds, and you know what? I agree. We simply need more raccoons. Trash Pandas: assemble.

Meanwhile down in South Carolina, 43 monkeys escaped a research facility and are currently on the loose. Authorities are advising residents to lock their windows, and I would definitely have a hard time doing that. I think they would like me. It's like how at Yellowstone they have to put up all the signs advising people not to approach bears. While I understand the reason for the signs, I also believe that I am a person who a bear would allow to pet it. I think monkeys would feel the same way. Any other indoor kids read Summer of the Monkeys? It's a book about a circus train that derailed and a bunch of monkeys got loose and they finally trusted one young man to return them to captivity. I think I could be that young man. Call me, South Carolina. 

I'm gonna be honest, Trash Pandas: I could keep writing this column all night. I didn't want to start working on it, but as I've been writing, and reflecting, and trying to put words to all the big things I feel, I have to admit that Doing Something does feel better than doing nothing, even though doing nothing is so tempting. We may not have fluoridated water, and we may not be pissing on the floors at arena concerts (yet), but we have each other, and I'm very grateful for that.

Togetherly,