Hi everyone! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I'm your girl, Elinor Jones. Now usually I like to start my column with a little check-in about how I'm feeling, so I'm sure you can understand me this week when I say: "not well, bitch." Things are bleak, y'all. In my household, Dry January has morphed into Damp January, and if the rest of this month keeps up at this clip, there's a decent chance we'll see Wet January, possibly even Flood January. Landslide January. Biblical Scenario January. My mental health and my liver depend on some things chilling the fuck out. But until then, let's talk about some trash?
Flames. On the Side of My State.
It was not possible this week to check in on any celebrity news because all celebrity coverage has been about the wildfires in LA—who has lost a home, whose home was only damaged, who is being helpful, and who is being horrible. Scrolling Instagram this past week has been a wild ride, with emotions vacillating wildly between shock, grief, immense love and gratitude for all of the compassion and humanity on display, and blinding rage at the systems that allowed this to happen and will continue to allow things like this to happen until emergencies cease to be profitable and dumbasses with huge followings and minimal media literacy sharing sensational stories about looting and arson. It sucks! I don't write about celebrities to write about "real issues," I write about celebrities because my actual life is very low-drama and I want to know who is fighting, who is hooking up, who is getting divorced, and who would be most likely to become my friend were I to become a celebrity (Kate McKinnon, Kate Hudson, Pedro Pascal, and Oprah AND Gayle [but neither without the other], obviously.)Â
we have our answer to “will climate disasters cause the public to wake up and demand action” and the answer is lol, lmao
— Micah (@rincewind.run) January 9, 2025 at 8:30 AM
There are so many stories coming out of California that I could not possibly cover them all, and a lot of them are real bummers, but I'm going to highlight a few things that made me feel good. 1) Did you know that Sharon Stone is a real one? Because she is. She has been organizing clothing drives to provide necessities to impacted people, and her advocacy has got buddies like Halle Berry and Michelle Pfeiffer cleaning out their closets to help. Imagine being like, welp, all my stuff is gone, I guess I'll just wear these Halle Berry hand-me downs!? 2) Kristen Bell has been sharing a lot of links and resources on her social media, and has gone in personally to help with distributing aid, which led to her posting a video on Instagram pleading with wannabe good samaritans to not donate stained or broken or useless trash. This should not have to be said, but I'm glad that she said it! A person left with nothing doesn't want your shitty old Tupperware; being liberated of their own shitty old Tupperware is likely the only silver lining of losing a home to fire. And 3) Prince Harry and Meghan Markle went to help chef Jose Andres at the World Central Kitchen; they served food with masks on so nobody even knew they were there. Meghan Markle gets the nastiest press and I'm sure it's coming from her balding brother-in-law Prince William; bless them for being normal people trying to help.Â
One of the sites that will nonstop drag Meghan Markle in a way that feels very clearly planted is Crazy Days and Nights, which I always take with several grains of salt. However, their latest Blind Item reveal claims that Tom Hanks never had COVID, he just wanted to help get more people to want to stay at home. Much like the rumor that the Donald Trump statue in the Disneyworld Hall of Presidents was made to be Hillary Clinton, but had to be repurposed at the last minute when Trump unexpectedly won, this is a conspiracy theory that I will believe with absolutely no other evidence. Tom Hanks would do something like that. He just seems like a cool guy.
Hit Me Nepo Baby, One More Time
If you don't already, I highly recommend following Victoria Beckham on Instagram. Her feed is either wholesome snaps of her glamorous family doing frankly unattainable things, or fashion that only her and like 10 other women could pull off. It's not even cluelessly aspirational like GOOP, it's more just like, what are you DOING? Nobody else can wear a slinky tightly rouched column dress! I love it. Anyway, her eldest child Brooklyn Beckham has been working on becoming famous in his own right, which he can't do, because he has two insanely famous parents and a wife whose father is richer than Jesus. But he did recently acknowledge his nepo baby status: "Obviously, I am one. I couldn't help how I was born." And that's true! Nobody can help how they're born. But one can help subsequent decisions and the litany of vanity jobs and sponsorships he's signed up for, like moonlighting as a chef to get a deal with air fryers, to restaurants, to photography, to sake, to weird blue smoothies, and most recently, a hot sauce. This is a 25-year-old man who does not need to do any of this. I've said it once, I'll say it a million times: wealth is wasted on the rich.Â
I still think about Brooklyn Beckham’s book of photography about once a month pic.twitter.com/U2IhoGatit
— Bethan Moore (@Bethan_Kate) May 11, 2021
The Neighborhood Tour
A few months back, the Portland's Bike Bus program went viral for extending an invitation to Justin Timberlake. Many local haters gently mocked this idea, and despite being generally kind-hearted and also very pretty, perhaps may have been a bit harsh. Someone at this very outlet wrote:Â
The rationale for this, according to an organizer, is that "everyone knows who he is." Justin Timberlake will likely join said ride, if only as a "fuck you" to the cop who pulled him over for driving drunk and had no idea who he is. "The children of some Portland neighborhoods still like me," he said needily.Â
 That loving and beautiful person was—you guessed it—me. Color me sexyback to learn that Justin Timberlake accepted the invitation, and yesterday led a bike ride of around 200 kids and their families around the Alameda neighborhood! He's in town for a show at the Moda Center and definitely did not have to do this, and it's very sweet that he did. The state of the world tour, and NE Portland neighborhood tour, remain strong.Â
Okay everybody, that's all for now. I hope you have enjoyed our time together. I really did do my best to make things light and fun. Do me a favor and do something this week to make something (a place, a person, a relationship) feel more cherished. Let me start: I cherish all of you. See ya next week.
Gratefully,

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