Hello Trash Pandas and welcome back to the Trash Report. I'm Elinor Jones, and I've missed you so much! I didn't write a column last week because I was on "vacation" at freakin' Disneyland, because a thing about having kids when the world is on fire is that you feel bad about how fucked up their future will be, so you say "yes" to everything even if it's tiring and loud and very expensive. Space Mountain was fun though, so I can't complain too much. About that anyway. I can complain a lot about other stuff, which I will be doing... now: 

The Coup Sucks

Donald Trump and Elon Musk and their merry band of sociopaths have been having one hell of a time destroying the government as elected Democrats in the House and Senate, and various Governors' seats keep going "he can't do that," while he does whatever, and also having the nerve to email me and ask for money to stop them?! Bitch, that's YOUR job! I give you $5 or $10 in election years to get elected and once you're there, you do something. Anything. We are desperate for action. Nancy Mace is a demonic freak, but she's on TV all the time because she says incendiary shit and people get dopamine hits from being outraged by news, so we keep clicking and they know this. I do not understand the Democratic party's commitment to being petulant losers and not following the winning Republican playbook of being huge sluts for any and all attention. Remember when Tim Walz called Elon Musk a dipshit? Just do that again, and then keep doing it, all the time!

Bumping this with the hope that a senator might see it

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— eve6 (@eve6.bsky.social) February 4, 2025 at 12:02 AM

Super Trash

Last week was the Super Bowl. Having absolutely zero interest in football beyond what kind of uncomfortable-looking outfits Taylor Swift and her friends wear to the matches, I like that the Philly team won because the best sandwich I've ever eaten in my life was in Philadelphia. "Go birds," I say enthusiastically, especially when the bird is a turkey that was roasted to juicy perfection and then sliced into huge slabs and put between two pieces of fresh sourdough toast and doused with gooey swiss cheese and sauerkraut. What can I say, I love birds! The standout moment of the day was Kendrick Lamar's halftime show during which he came for Drake with the Grammy-winning diss track "Not Like Us." It's gotta be soooo embarrassing for Drake that the biggest controversy following the performance wasn't the pedophilia accusation, but the $1200 flared jeans that Lamar wore. Did he pull them off? Yes. Does this mean you need some? No! That was advanced fashion. There are sections of America who never even stopped wearing flared jeans. We have to get all the rest of them switched to skinny jeans before we can even think of looking cutting-edge in flares again. I say this as someone who has, on multiple occasions over the past two years, purchased variations of bootcut jeans and then returned them because I don't have the face or lifestyle to convince anyone I'm wearing them cuz I'm cool and not simply 15 years behind in denim trends. 

Drake did not formally respond to the performance but he was spotted wearing these absolutely insane clown boots, which has got to be the hiphop version of cutting bangs. 

During a post-game celebration/riot, a fan chucked a beer can at the Eagles' manager's head and he just smiled on TV with a bleeding gash on his forehead. And see, this is why Portland can't have an NFL team: When we throw cans, the feds show up. 

More in Fashion

Kanye West tweeted that he is a Nazi and is now selling shirts with a swastika on them. None other than David Schwimmer has taken to pleading with Elon Musk to ban Ye from Twitter for it. I bet you didn't think that a paragraph that started with Kanye West would include David Schwimmer, did you? The times are strange, friends. You really never know what's going to happen. Musk, of course, has not banned Ye from Twitter, but he's got to be a little bit excited that Ross from Friends is paying attention to him.

Speaking of fashion—or rather, turning away from fascism and towards actual fashion—I'm super excited for this year's Academy Awards red carpet because the male nominees have been dressing really cool in the events leading up to it, and I'm jazzed to see some more interesting looks than tuxes and that stupid pose when it looks like they're adjusting their cufflinks. Between Jeremy Strong, Colman Domingo, and Timmy Chalamet, we're destined to see some luxe textures and superfluous glasses. Also, I just watched A Real Pain—the Jesse Eisenberg movie for which Kieran Culkin got the best supporting nom, and which just won some BAFTAs—and it was very sweet, but also only 90 minutes long. That's how long movies should be! There should be an Academy Award category for Most Efficient, and it's for whichever movie did the best at fully relaying a story while not needing an intermission or a nap. 

Valentines

Briefly, because I'm already way over on words and I have other stuff to talk about:

1. Tom Cruise and Ana de Armas were papped together on Valentine's Day. Those two make a lot of sense together. She seems just famous enough to be on his radar, and just hungry enough to put up with whatever goes along with that relationship. Ana dates strategically which is definitely what I would do instead of trying to find work as an actor. Get that Scientology money, baybeeeeee!
2. Ke Huy Quan is out promoting his new movie Love Hurts and he told Drew Barrymore that he had a crush on her back in the '80s, and she shared that she also had a crush on him. I would not change either of their career trajectories for a million dollars, but the two of them together would have been a holy pairing. Just like: joy personified. If they had babies they'd have names like Rainbow and Flower and it wouldn't even seem cringe. What a nice thought that is. 

Cowboy Carter? More Like Cowbooooo CANT-er

Tickets for Beyonce's highly anticipated Cowboy Carter tour came out last week and I readied my body and my family and my job for the possibility of me taking a highly inconvenient midweek trip to Los Angeles to catch her show, but I was not prepared to spend upwards of $1000 on nosebleed seats. Honestly, what the hell?! I read on Lainey Gossip that tickets to the London show are going for like $300, and I wonder if I might be better off just flying there to see her. Plus seeing the fan outfits would be worth the trip. A British take on Black Americana? Get outta here. BRB, going to grad school just so I can write a thesis on this. (Art, but make it tedious. That's me!)

Quick Trash

I am trying so hard to make this column shorter, but there is so much happening! Actress Hailee Stanfield just launched a brand of canned margaritas and said that it "means the world to me" which cannot possibly be true! Like, yes, there have been times when margaritas meant the world to me, but those times were on a beach in Mexico, not in a basket at Safeway with your Wheat Thins and grapes. Also, she's really selling herself short with such hyperbole. She's so young! What if her star only rises and some day she can do the Angelina Jolie humanitarian thing? Are we supposed to believe her then when she says that bringing maternal healthcare to remote Mongolian villages "means the world to her" when she already used that precise sentiment? I'd be at that press conference like, "excuse me, Miss Stanfield? You once said that canned margaritas mean the world to you, now it's saving babies—which is it?" 

Local Trash

The Portland record store Vinyl Resting Place recently got a shout-out on an episode of Celebrity Jeopardy. That's awesome! The category was puns and what came to me like a bolt of lighting is that if I had a store I'd call it Milli Vinylli. And you know what? It's good for me to be told no from time to time.   

WOW EVERYBODY, I have to stop writing! I haven't peed in like four hours. I have a life; I have a family. Of course, you are also my family. Thank you for reading even though this week I am truly out of my gourd. I went on the Guardians of the Galaxy ride at California Adventures and I don't think human beings were meant to have their brains smushed up against the top of their skulls repeatedly in that way. Oh well, ha ha ha!

Smartly,