Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones and I desperately miss the hour we just lost. It was the hour that was going to fix everything, I just know it. This week is going to be super rainy and I'm glad, because every year I think I'm going to learn how to garden and I never actually do, but this year I extra feel like I want to garden and I love the rain, because on every rainy day I can imagine I'd start gardening if not for this unfortunate weather we're having. I'll be screwed once it gets nice out and I have to accept that it's not the weather's fault. 

Want to gossip with me?

International Buy a Woman a Bowl of Pasta Day

Saturday was International Women's Day, one of those holidays I only know about because my Instagram fills up with other people posting about it and using it as an excuse to post pictures of babes they know, which I love, obviously. CNN, however, was a huge fucking downer and shared an article about how our society still makes it really hard for women to work. So of course being a woman is something worth joyfully celebrating, but don't forget to also be mad—we gals really can have it all! 💋 

Speaking of girls being girls, women in Congress "protested" Trump's address last week by wearing pink. What was the statement here, exactly? Was this a coordinated demonstration of solidarity in the face of a raging sexist tyrant, or was Nancy Pelosi simply trying out her favorite springtime Chanel to decide if it will work for Easter again this year or if she's better off popping by Bergdorf Goodman to grab something fresh the next time she's in New York City for a closed-door Democratic fundraiser? 

 

Democrats are really fucking up so much everywhere, I have to think about which stupid things to mention here—but I'd be remiss to not include what is happening with California Governor Gavin Newsom. He launched a podcast last week, which is just a thing we have to accept that most men will do in their lives, like trying parted hair. But the first clue it was going to be bad was that it's named "This is Gavin Newsom," meaning he thinks people will listen because they care about him as a guy and not as Governor of California. Wrong! Newsom let Charlie Kirk spew a bunch of hateful shit about trans people and then agreed with him that trans people should not play sports as an issue of fairness to girls. I wanted you all to know about this, because the "who will run in 2028" posts will be coming in hot soon and this guy's face will be on all of them and he's a turd.

What If Your Innie Was the Freakin' President

Ben Stiller recently went on Jimmy Kimmel and said that he offered Barack Obama a voiceover role in the new season of Severance, but it didn't work out. But you know what I think? I think if Obama is going to be on prestige television he's got to hold out for White Lotus! You know Trump would. Shit, actually, I wonder if Mike White could offer Trump a role? Maybe if he could make it as an actor he's stop trying to make us all miserable as president. I know that by reading that, a lot of you are going "but Trump would ruin White Lotus!" and that's true! But he is currently ruining the world. Would you be willing to sacrifice White Lotus to save it? (You're having to think about it aren't you? None of us are as good of people as we think we are.)

BOOM—Babies!

This month marks five years since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic! Buzzfeed has this great roundup of what was happening at that time. A couple fun facts: Elon Musk went from having six kids to 14 kids (that we know of) and Nick Cannon went from having three kids to 12 kids (again, that we know of.) Here's a little bit of math: While Musk now has more kids, Cannon is the winning sperminator for having expanded his brood by a factor of four. Wow! Compare that to me, who had one kid when the pandemic started, and still only has one, because the pandemic made reproducing seem terrifying. 

Speaking of families, remember breakdancer Ray-Gun from the Summer Olympics? This next sentence will not shock you: Her brother was just arrested for running a crypto scam. I feel like this is the way people on minute 14 of fame try to make a quick buck when 20 years ago they would have simply had a short-lived reality show. Remember when we thought those were harmful? We should be so lucky.

Celebrity News!

John Goodman was recently injured while filming a new movie with Tom Cruise, and what the hell?! Who allowed that to happen?! Beloved actors in their 70s shouldn't be in movies with Tom Cruise—he's too extreme! How did that thing even get insured?! Tom Cruise co-stars are meant to be 30-year-old women with zero percent body fat who spend their free time doing flips, not the dad from Roseanne.

In relationship news, Post Malone and his girlfriend of three years broke up, and he's already dating someone else. I'm not going to say who 'cuz it doesn't matter. What's interesting here is that Post Malone is dating. Isn't it interesting that, for as famous as he is, he didn't seem like a dating guy? Never even thought about him as someone who just gets in a car, goes to a restaurant, etc. Alas, one cannot survive off of vibes alone, although let's be clear, if anyone could, it would be him. 

Local Trash

I saw this report on a dysentery outbreak in Oregon, and everyone was all, "ha ha ha, the Oregon Trail is real!" And I got sad. What, would people care about an outbreak of dysentery in other places? It makes it seem like dysentery is somehow our thing and I just don't think that's true. But I do feel like the game is our thing, and I was so surprised as a teenager when I made friends with people from Michigan who said "I've never been to Oregon, but I loved playing Oregon Trail!" and I was so shocked. It literally never occurred to me that children outside of Oregon were also playing Oregon Trail. I guess I assumed all children had computer games specific to the settlement of their particular state. But there was not a Michigan trail, and there was no game. Sad, when you think about it. 

In other local news, a bunch of bike cops sweeping RVs found a keg of stolen beer and returned it to Breakside Brewery. "Just the one keg," they said, hiccupping like an old cartoon mouse that got trapped in a jug of wine. 

JK! I kid, I really do. It's a huge thing about this jokey column, and why I value it so much as an outlet for the demon clowns that live in my brain. If I don't let them take the wheel on a weekly basis on here, I become an absolute nightmare in the group chat at my day job. Thank you for supporting the demon clowns by spending this time with me. I hope you have an amazing week, and that exactly the right person gives you a compliment. 

Aspirationally,