Hello my little lovebirds! Welcome to this very special Valentine’s Day edition of the Trash Report. Love is a wonderful feeling, and although this is a very stupid holiday, this column will be extremely layered and complex. I hope you’re ready to access the darkest corners of your heart you’d forgotten even existed. Just kidding! Hearts don’t have corners; they are not an angular shape. Let’s just gossip, okay? 

Love Report!

The most seemingly in-love famous couple on the scene these days is no doubt A$AP Rocky and Rihanna. When appearing on a podcast recently, Rocky was asked how they keep the spark alive, and he talked about making time for each other, and dating and being friends. This is an overly complicated answer as far as I’m concerned. I think the main way to stay interested in one’s relationship with Rihanna is to be in a relationship with Rihanna. Just look at her. That’s the spark…. Speaking of keeping the love alive, Chrissy Teigen shared that as far as her husband John Legend knows, she has never farted or pooped. That’s pretty impressive since rich people seem to travel a lot and that always gets the downstairs systems all messed up. Did fancy hotels never get hit with the stupid barn door bathroom trend that left giant gaps everywhere, doing nothing for sound insulation? That must be nice. Some of us have to wait until our partners go to the lobby for coffee to do anything gross. 

In other couples news, it delights me to no end to remind people that Chilli of TLC is dating Matthew Lawrence of the Lawrence Brothers. It’s like two random pages of a 1995 Seventeen magazine got stuck together. Also, did you know that Dakota Johnson and Role Model are dating now? This isn’t particularly interesting, except that I was doing a little bit of digging to see if there was a joke there, like if she would call him Role or Model or whatever, and that’s when I learned that his real name is Tucker Pillsbury. Then I wondered, was he mocked for a last name like Pillsbury because of the dough connotations, and that became Roll, so that became Role Model? Did he make lemonade out of lemons? Am… I a bully?!? 

Sports Love!

The Winter Olympics kicked off this month and the stars of HBO’s soft core pornography/gay hockey romance Heated Rivalry, Connor Storie and Hudson Williams were tapped to carry the torch. I think there are only like two media companies anymore, so I’m assuming that their participation is a cynical marketing ploy, and sign me the fuck up because I love those darling men and will watch them do anything! I wonder, if when they were carrying it, one of them reached for it and gently caressed the other’s fingers? Speaking of gay sports (and when am I not anymore?), Ben Affleck and Matt Damon said that they too had also once considered adapting a gay baseball romance. This is giving “Sure, Jan,” is it not? The only way they can make us believe that they were ever serious about this is if they make it happen now and kiss. On screen. With tongue. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Love is in the Air—Literally!

A couple recently went viral for having gotten married on a Southwest flight out of Indianapolis to Fort Lauderdale with a stop in Kansas City. I’m going to say that again. It was a Southwest flight out of Indianapolis to Fort Lauderdale with a stop in Kansas City. Can you imagine a less romantic set of words? And yet, they did it. They made it romantic. I love them for it. Any flight on a no-frills airline can be romantic if you make time for romance on it. And I don’t know if this next couple was inspired by them or not, but THEN a guy proposed to his gal on a Spirit Airlines flight from Newark to Myrtle Beach. You guys, I am beginning to think that if you want to take your relationship to the next level, you’ve got to get on a discount airline to a midsize city and pronto. 

Lovebirds!

(You would think this thing about bird sex would be in the part about love being in the air, but I’m about to write about a flightless bird… so no, it is decidedly *not* in the air. Read on.) The New Zealand Kakapo, the fattest parrot ever, has been brought back from the brink of extinction after a banner year for the berry they like to eat. They ate so much that now they have energy for mating, causing their numbers to start turning around. Every article about these birds mentions how heavy they are, and I’m just like, “did these birds get negged to death?” No wonder they’re almost extinct with all this body shaming. Birds can’t turn off a light, nor should they have to. Let the fat birds get laid.

Speaking of getting laid, it’s time to sign off for now. I hate to bring up politics when we have been having such a good time, but I want to remind you that some of the worst people in America are having babies this year, which means that they’ve been having sex, and if they’re doing it, then by God so should you. 

Cupidly,