Hello, and welcome to The Trash Report! I am so happy to see you. "But Elinor," you reply. "I am reading this on a device; you cannot see me!" Or can I? Perhaps I am in the corner of your living room, wrapped in your curtains, but with my little feet sticking out of the bottom, quietly peeking my face out from time to time to watch you read, waiting for a smile that would validate my entire vibe. Don't check, just trust. You look great, btw. Now let's get to the gossip!
Old on Old Crime
The frontrunners of next year's presidential election, President Joe Biden and Florida Man Donald Trump, are trying to out-young each other in front of cameras, which is no easy feat since they're both older than the wind. The leading campaign strategy at this point seems to be going "but could an old person do this?!" and it's one of them walking unassisted for five steps down a wheelchair ramp.*
*This is not to say that there is anything wrong with aging! To make it to one's golden years is a feat and a blessing! But there is no shame in retiring!
Biden and Trump are probably both relieved to have had some of the heat taken off them by means of Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert getting kicked out of a Denver performance Beetlejuice for singing, vaping, and giving her boyfriend an over-the-pants handy. I know it's still only September but I think this is my favorite news story of the year. Every word in every development is a tasty morsel that I relish and savor. I am Denethor mouth-fucking cherry tomatoes while Pippin sings during the climatic battle scene of The Two Towers. Just like, oh yeah, this tomato is juicy af and life will never be better. And how cool is it that Beetlejuice works so nicely in so many jokes? Now and forever, if you want to fondle someone's goods through their clothes, you can be like "mind if I juice your beetle?"Â
Royalty: They're Just Like Us!
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle stepped into the spotlight last week via the Invictus Games in Germany. It was also a time to celebrate Prince Harry's 39th birthday. According to Celebitchy, Harry and Meghan chomped wiener schnitzel and drank some beers. And I know what you're thinking: How much weiner schnitzel? And I don't know. But you're also probably thinking: How many beers? And that's where I can help you. According to a source, Meghan drank one beer. Reasonable, boring, definitely in her beige era! As for the birthday boy? He had six. Also reasonable! He's going through a lot right now!Â
Celebrities are Bad and Getting Better
Can you believe it's been six years since the #MeToo movement blew up and brought several powerful men down? I can, in that I certainly feel much older than I did when it started, but it's also very fresh in my memory. I guess spending months and years talking and thinking about various traumas will do that to a gal. Anyway, somehow Russell Brand escaped that era unscathed, but a story in The Times dropped Saturday with allegations from several women of sexual assault and physical and verbal abuse. It's horrific and worth knowing about, even though it might scratch Forgetting Sarah Marshall off your list of comfort rewatches.
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