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Friday, Dec 7

The Siren Theater's BRAND NEW Best Christmas Ever!
Somebody has to say it: Holiday spectaculars are reliably unspectacular. But not when they star the gut-busting geniuses at the Siren Theater. That’s right! Charming goofballs Shelley McLendon, Erin Jean O'Regan, Justin Himes, and the Mercurys own Wm. Steven Humphrey (to name just a few!) are back with an all-new sketch comedy holiday treat. Turn off Netflix’s Yule Log and get out there! (Fri-Sat 8 pm, Siren Theater, $12-20) MEGAN BURBANK

Black Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Every year, the Woodlawn neighborhood gets a jump on the holiday season by being one of the first stops Santa makes anywhere in Portland, sitting down with every kid who comes to see him, taking a picture, giving out candy canes, and most importantly—listening to all the things good children really, really want for Christmas this year. (2 pm, Woodlawn MIC, free, all ages)

The St. Johns Winter Beer Fest & Record Show
The St. Johns Winter Beer Fest returns for its 8th year, with over 20 breweries offering up their finest IPA’s, winter ales, stouts, and barleywines to pair with food from an array of trucks including Urban German and The Other Chef. Plus—for the first time ever—Crate Diggers and Discogs will host a free record fair on Friday and Saturday in conjunction with the festivities. Admission nets you a commemorative glass and ten tasting tickets. (Fri-Sun 2 pm, The Colony, $20)

It's a Wonderful Life
The holiday classic beloved by those valiantly fighting the slow, crushing, and inevitable truth that their lives have not mattered at all! The cherished Christmas tradition, remembered fondly as a black-and-white barrel of warm fuzzies, about a suicidal child abuse victim whose fuckup uncle nearly sinks his savings and loan, but realizes abandoning his wife and children for all eternity to roast in Hell is a bad idea thanks to a helpful guardian angel who shows him how much shittier his tycoon-ruled small town would be if he wasn't in it. MERRY CHRISTMAS, BEDFORD FALLS! (7:10 pm, Academy Theater, $3-4, all ages) BOBBY ROBERTS

Tender Table Fundraiser
Tasty food and stories from women and nonbinary BIPOC (Black/Indigenous/People of Color) pair extremely well together. Support another season of the Tender Table event series by attending an evening filled with food, stories, and plenty of music from local women and nonbinary BIPOC artists and presenters to boot. (7 pm, Chapel Hill) EMILLY PRADO

The Soft Moon, Hide, Vive la Void
After spending nearly a decade in Oakland making moody, motorik-paced post-punk for the pop-leaning Captured Tracks record label, the Soft Moon’s Luis Vasquez used this year’s Criminal—his fourth studio album—as an opportunity to make a few changes. Now living in Berlin, Vasquez signed a new deal with the experimentally inclined Sacred Bones and unleashed an album full of intensely confessional industrial synth-rock (à la Nine Inch Nails) that tackles the lingering effects of his difficult childhood. The result is an urgent and unnerving work of exploration, self-reflection, resignation, and redemption that lifts the veil on Vasquez and puts him at the front of his music for the first time. (9 pm, Wonder Ballroom, $16-18, all ages) BEN SALMON

Blue Cranes, Wayne Horvitz Trio
The Jack London Revue plays host to an evening of experimental and improvisational jazz with Portland's Blue Cranes and Seattle-based keyboardist Wayne Horvitz and his backing band. (9 pm, Jack London Revue, $12-15)

Night Birds, Macho Boys, Bothers, Death Ridge Boys
New Jersey’s hardcore traditionalists Night Birds specialize in the kind of snotty punk rock that was born for skate videos and victimless teenage crimes. It’s the sound of dropping out of high school, or at least avoiding it as much as possible. The sound of suburban knuckleheads looking for a reason to sneer. The sound of your first mohawk slicing through the air as you dive into a roiling pit filled with other silly and pissed and righteously obnoxious kids who might kinda feel the same way you do. Were those good times? Not really. But the music was pretty all right. (8:30 pm, Tonic Lounge, $13-15) CHRIS STAMM

D.O.A., Dwarves, MDC
Canadian hardcore punk pioneers D.O.A. return to Dante's to celebrate their 40th anniversary alongside likeminded punk rock luminaries Dwarves and MDC. (9 pm, Dante's, $18)

Sean Rowe, Girl Blue
The alternative folk and blues singer/songwriter out of Troy, New York returns to Portland in support of his 2017 full-length, New Lore. (9 pm, Doug Fir, $16-18)

Blockhead, Yppah, Arms & Sleepers
An evening of experimental beats with Tony Simon (AKA Blockhead), the renowned NYC-based hip-hop producer known for his collaborations with Aesop Rock as well as his solo releases on the Ninja Tune label. (9 pm, Star Theater, $15)

Four Horsemen
Tribute Night and Ante Up PDX join forces once again for another DJ-dealt battle royale, but instead of just your basic head to head, they're presenting a four-way fight between hip-hop all-stars J. Cole, Kanye West, Drake, and Kendrick Lamar. (Spoilers: Kendrick isn't the fuckin' king for nothin') (8 pm, Holocene, $10)

Saturday, Dec 8

Crafty Wonderland
If you’re feeling guilty for purchasing GARBAGE gifts for your loved ones every holiday season, there’s a quick and fun cure: Crafty Wonderland. The annual celebration of everything crafty and DIY returns to the Convention Center with over 250 vendors selling really good handmade goods: hats, action figures, art, wallets, jewelry, pins, T-shirts, bowties for cats, slingshots, and thousands more super fun and original gifts will be on display. So go, buy, and stop disappointing your loved ones, already! (Sat-Sun 11 am, Oregon Convention Center, free, all ages) WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY

Rosanne Cash
Over the past four decades, Rosanne Cash has quietly made one of the most consistent careers in country music. Since releasing her self-titled debut in 1978, the singer/songwriter has released 14 albums, each sounding surer and steadier than the last. Cash’s storytelling skills are on full display on her new record She Remembers Everything, which includes a couple of interesting collaborations with Kris Kristofferson and Elvis Costello. After paying tribute to her late father Johnny on 2009’s The List, on She Remembers Everything Cash eases back into her own sharp observations on life and growing older, and all but solidifies her status as a major influence on country music. (8 pm, Revolution Hall, $42.50-45, all ages) MARK LORE

Everything's Coming Up Simpsons
LA-based comedians and writers Allie Goertz and Julia Prescott bring their beloved Simpsons podcast on the road for a live taping at Mississippi Studios where they'll take a deep-dive into a classic episode of the show along with a pair of special guests: former Simpson's writer Bill Oakley and "Woo Hoo! Classic Simpsons Trivia" host Adam Smith. (6:30 pm, Mississippi Studios, $18-20)

Humbug Lager Fest
The problem with winter beer festivals is that after two sips of a piney, figgy, outrageously strong winter ale, you’re done for the night. Which is why North Portland’s Occidental Brewing’s annual Humbug Lager Fest celebrates lagers of all kinds, and stretches across two exciting, lager-filled days. (Sat 2 pm, Sun noon, Occidental Brewing Co., $10) NED LANNAMANN

John Craigie, Ben Morrison
The modern-day troubadour out of Santa Monica, California follows up a stand-out performance at Pickathon by bringing his playful blend of storytelling folk to the Aladdin Theater stage. Ben Morrison (of The Brothers Comatose) rounds out the bill. (8 pm, Aladdin Theater, $21-25, all ages)

The Wicker Man
This is a screening of the 1973 original, meaning you will not be seeing Nicolas Cage in a bear suit socking up women and swallowing gallons of CGI bees. Instead, you will be immersed in the off-kilter world of this slow-burning British cult classic, starring Christopher Lee at his most confidently creepy, where the horror isn’t contained in loud orchestral stabs and brutal bursts of bloody gore, but in the careful peeling away of idyllic island life to reveal the placidly unnerving and profoundly disturbing wrongness underneath. MERRY CHRISTMAS, BEDFORD FALLS! (8:30 pm, NW Film Center's Whitsell Auditorium, $8-10) BOBBY ROBERTS

Once in a Lifetime: A Talking Heads Dance Party
Maxx Bass, Ben Tactic, DJ Freaky Outty, and Nathan Detroit head up a Saturday night dance party celebrating the music and influence of the Talking Heads. (9 pm, Holocene, $7-10)

Slim Fortune, Charlie Salas-Humara, Nice Nice
Portland quartet Slim Fortune bring their dark and soulful garage rock stylings to the Fixin' To stage to head up a hometown show along with support from Charlie Salas-Humara and Nice Nice. (9 pm, The Fixin' To, $7)

Atreyu, Memphis May Fire, Ice Nine Kills, Sleep Signals
The kind of metalcore you can only get when your band is named after a heroic horse in a really long children's book. Like, really long. LOL, jk, none of you ever read the fucking book, you just watched that fuck-ugly '80s flick with the lecherous dick-dragon in it. BTW: Don't re-watch if you don't have to, because oh man it has not aged well. (8 pm, Hawthorne Theatre, $25-30, all ages)

2018 Yule Ball
A wizarding world version of a winter formal, with DJ Switch on the decks as the Portland chapter of the Harry Potter Alliance throws a party full of dancing, drinks, and of course, magic! Admission tiers allow for treats from Hungry Heart Bakery, Champions' Bar access, and a full multi-course dinner. (7:30 pm, TIffany Center, $30-87)

Alice Merton, Shaed
2018's December to Remember gets a strong shot of some classy dance pop from Europe's Alice Merton along with support from Washington, D.C.-based electro-pop trio Shaed. (6:30 pm, Crystal Ballroom, $23.50, all ages)

The Annual Tuba Christmas Concert
Hundreds of tubists will be performing at the Tuba Christmas Concert! Frankly, I'd go see hundreds of just about anything perform (except bagpipes and bucket drummers), but if you're talking about hundreds of tubas playing holiday songs? That actually makes the holidays a hundred percent less of a drag. (1:30 pm, Pioneer Courthouse Square, free, all ages) WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY

World's Largest Blanket Fort Party
Sure, there's maybe, technically, better uses of the Oregon Convention Center's square footage, but attempting the world-record biggest blanket fort seems a pretty noble endeavor, constituting several geodesic domes connected by blanket tunnels, with hidden rooms, family-friendly games, live music, and more. (1pm & 7 pm, Oregon Convention Center, $10-35)

Top Gun (70 mm)
Much in the same way Die Hard's status as a Christmas movie started as a cute observation that came to swallow it whole, Top Gun's innate gayness (which Quentin Tarantino most notably illuminated via his cameo in 1994's otherwise forgettable Sleep with Me) was just a knowing, winking in-joke among film dorks, but has become the aspect that defines Tony Scott's glistening, teeth-clacking ad for the US Navy. You can try to watch it as it was presumably intended in the repressed-yet-beefy heart of the Reagan '80s. But those abs! Those butts! ("I want butts!") The volleyball game. 30 years of time has reframed Top Gun entirely, and unlike Die Hard's redefinition, this glossy, fetish-friendly framework has helped make the film more entertaining. (7 pm, Hollywood Theatre) BOBBY ROBERTS

Sunday, Dec 9

Bri Pruett
Bri Pruett’s one-woman show Stellar was touching, funny, and wise so when she took it and herself to LA, we all kicked the dirt and knew she deserved more. But now Pruett’s back for the holidays with a one-night, catch-up headliner evening. Pruett says she’s not doing Stellar material, but I’m hella game to hear what this smart, musing comic has to say about her recent adventures in LA. (7:30 pm, Siren Theater, $15) SUZETTE SMITH

YOB, Khorâda, Thrones
It’s been a wild year for Yob: Almost two decades into their career, the heavy rock trio faced their own mortality and reached their highest level of critical success. Guitarist/vocalist Mike Scheidt wrote a good portion of Yob’s latest record, Our Raw Heart, as he stared down death in the hospital with diverticulitis. In the process, what was almost the end became a rebirth. The album, and the members of Yob themselves, continue to demolish the tidy doom label that was cast upon them so many years ago—this is a band that may well be creating their own genre. (9 pm, Star Theater, $20) MARK LORE

Alela Diane
Acclaimed Portland-based singer/songwriter Alela Diane brings her orchestral folk sounds back to the Old Church for a special performance highlighting songs off early albums The Pirates Gospel and To Be Still, along with some more recent material. (8 pm, The Old Church, $15, all ages)

Advance Base, Lisa/Liza
Advance Base's third full-length, Animal Companionship, is about naming a dog after a dead boyfriend. It's about actualizing long-distance internet love affairs, and going to the park just to watch dogs run around. Backed by only electric piano and drum machine beats, these stripped-down songs capture both the pervasive loneliness of life and the will to alleviate it—the desire we all have to show care and be cared for. At times, the album inches songwriter Owen Ashworth closer to being bedroom-pop's Springsteen, with its working-class tales of finding beauty in refinery lights, kissing a partner's smoky hair after an apartment fire, and falling in love at the Aquatarium. (8 pm, Turn! Turn! Turn!) JOSHUA JAMES AMBERSON

What is the best Christmas movie? Traditionalists swear by standards like It’s a Wonderful Life, the more irreverent might cite Scrooged, and many love to say it's Die Hard before indulging in their really bad Alan Rickman impersonations. But there's a case to be made for Joe Dante's 1984 blast of suburban mayhem, Gremlins: It's a film about family, about responsibility, about having empathy for others, and loving people despite their flaws—but it's also about rocketing angry old rich people through walls, finding new and disgusting uses for a microwave oven, and the pure joy to be found in fucking shit up with cackling glee (for example, if you're still lying to your children about Santa Claus, this movie is going to expose your ass in a very rude way), thus capturing the well-intentioned chaos that, for many, defines the holiday season. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU. IN JAIL. (9:50 pm, Academy Theater, $3-4, all ages) BOBBY ROBERTS

Chris Pureka
An evening of heart-on-sleeve indie folk tunes from the Portland-based singer/songwriter who has been self-releasing her records through her own Sad Rabbit Records label for the better part of two decades. (5 pm & 8 pm, Mississippi Studios, $20-23)

Times Infinity, Moon Shy
Led by the Builders and the Butchers' Paul Seely, Portland's Times Infinity cribs trippy rock ’n’ roll excess, garage-rock swagger, and deft songwriting in equal measure. (8 pm, Rontoms, free) RYAN J. PRADO

Valley Maker, Lorain
Fresh off a tour supporting Canadian singer/songwriter Chad VanGaalen, Seattle's Austin Crane brings his Valley Maker project back to the Doug Fir for a night of folk-tinged indie rock supporting his new Frenchkiss Records-issued full-length, Rhododendron. (8 pm, Doug Fir, $10-12)

Don't forget to check out our Things To Do calendar for even more things to do!