Ahoy-hoy! Let’s kick off the week with a game of “Would You Rather”: Would you rather see additional in-depth reporting on Jared Kushner’s financial dealings that truly and fully demonstrate his illegal behavior but you have to read the whole thing, including looking up terms and tax laws that you don’t understand, OR see an AFV-style video of him getting hit in the nuts with a Wiffle ball? My thoughtful response is below. But first: news!
I’ve Got a Blank Ballot, Baby—And I’ll Write Your Name
EEEEE! It’s almost the midterms! I know that many people don’t GAF about midterm elections. But you know who does? Taylor Swift! That’s right, I’m bolding the name of our most popular girl squad leader to engage you on the issues. Look, Taylor Swift gets an appropriate amount of shit for some of her clueless PR and lifestyle choices, but her progressive outreach for Tennessee democrats Phil Bredesen and Jim Cooper was pretty dope. She wrote: “So many intelligent, thoughtful, self-possessed people have turned 18 in the past two years and now have the right and privilege to make their vote count.” Not only was it dope, it was also effective as hell; something like 65,000 new voters registered in Tennessee alone after her post! I like when Taylor Swift is in our good graces. I was thinking back on the last time I really felt amped on her, and it was when “Blank Space” came out. Some light Googling revealed that the video dropped the same week as the 2014 midterms, when Republicans gained a massive number of seats at every level of government. Methinks Tay-Tay is doing some repenting for having distracted us so terribly four years ago with the flawless “Blank Space” video that nobody turned out to vote, which likely directly led us to this mess we’re in today. Better late than never to use your power for good, Taylor! We’ve all learned a lot since 2014: Crop tops are a dumb shirt style; formal sweatpants will never take off, and voting in midterms matters.
But if another midterm nightmare scenario unfolds next week, let’s talk about moving to Canada again! Canada, which has long been the cleaner, nicer, more reasonable, less tacky version of the USA has now gone and made weed legal everywhere. I know we have legal pot here in Oregon, but it just seems better there, because everything is better there. Look, I’d force myself to get into hockey—and I don’t know... moose?—if it means regular access to sweet Northern doobage, poutine, and universal healthcare. Another good thing about the legalization of weed in Canada is that idiot young people will no longer feel inclined to visit Amsterdam and buy way-too-strong joints in coffee shops and then spend an evening throwing up directly into a gutter like the trash person they are and then feeling like a complete failure of a person at the Anne Frank house the next day. I have a confession: I did that. Holland, I am sorry for being one of many stupid young Americans stinking up your streets in the past, but please find comfort in knowing that today’s children will only stink up Canada, which I love. (I’m sorry, Canada! Please let me in! Hockey!!)
So Tall = Handsome as Hell?
I really have not been majorly invested in the whirlwind romance between Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson until they called off their engagement. As I mentioned in my last column, Davidson made some real gross comments about impregnating Grande on SNL a few weeks back so, HA HA, Pete Davidson, that’s what you get! A brilliant woman whose Twitter handle is @katefeetie said it better than I ever could: “sometimes you think a guy is amazing and funny and loving and sexy, but it turns out he’s just tall...we’ve all done stupid shit for 6’2”.” Been there, girl.
Red Eyes and Rosy Cheeks
According to OPB, over in Cannon Beach, they are having the cutest problem I’ve ever heard: The town is filled with bunnies. The townspeople are split on this adorable, snuggly issue. Some encourage the bunnies by providing them with organic carrots, and dream of making Cannon Beach a beacon for bunny enthusiasts. Others find the bunnies a nuisance due to their excessive flower nibbling and hoppity-hopping into traffic. The town hasn’t settled on a solution yet, but I am #following the dispute closely and will let you know if several thousand feral bunnies are suddenly up for adoption. Maybe we could make this a Portland problem!
Welcome to New Portland
You know what’s already a nuisance in Portland? Portland. To clarify: The former Portland is Portland, Michigan, and the latter Portland is us. According to Fox News, the Michigan Portland is a small town of 6,500 residents whose police department has been regularly subjected to one-star ratings and vulgar comments intended for our own Portland Police Bureau. People: If you’re going to take the time to harass public entities online, please make sure you’re in the right time zone as not to saddle public employees with geography homework! Better yet: Don’t harass anyone online, jerk! (Me calling you a jerk isn’t harassing you, because if you cyberbully, you deserve it. It’s preventative harassment, which is definitely allowed. I also support yelling at Lindsey Graham in every restaurant he visits. And in print. Hey, Lindsey Graham! Eat shit!)
You’re the Kanga-King, Baby, I’m Your Queen
OMG, I can’t believe I’m only now getting to this week’s most delightful news that does not involve bunnies: the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Harry and Meghan Markle, are expecting a little baby! Mazel! The news was revealed as the couple has been touring Australia, where they were immediately gifted a stuffed kangaroo by Governor General Peter Cosgrove. I bet the entire nation of Australia is lined up with stuffed kangaroos to gift this dazzling pair. So even though their future child will be pretty far down the line of succession to the royal throne, he or she can rule a kingdom of Australian stuffies, which seems much easier and cuter than being a dumb king anyway.
The Last Word
And now, what you’ve all been waiting for: my thoughtful response to the “Would You Rather” I posited above. After thoughtful consideration, I’ve decided that I would like to see Jared Kushner hit in the nuts with a Wiffle ball. Somehow all those SOBs in Trump’s orbit are impervious to revelations of sketchy business dealings anyway and I just can’t get my head into another long read that will result in nothing; this is a simple, perfect fantasy to help me sleep at night. “Ow! My nuts!” Night, night, everyone. I hope your dreams are as sweet as mine until we meet again.