Bienvenidos a Miami, and by “Miami,” I mean this column, and by “bienvenidos,” I mean—you know what, if you claim not to understand that reference to the top jam from the late-’90s resurgence of Will Smith’s rap career, maybe this isn’t the place for you. To the non-haters: bienvenidos, and hi! It’s Thanksgiving! This is my *favorite* holiday! This year I’ll be giving thanks for the fact that pretty much all women’s pants are stretchy now and we can have thirdsies of everything without being shamed by our wardrobe. Also, this is the one time of year when my mom makes lefse, which is a wonderful family tradition that will eventually become my responsibility, because while we’re a fairly progressive family, are baby boomers ever truly progressive? And don’t traditions like this fall on the women no matter what? And come to think of it, making lefse is a gigantic pain in the ass and now I’m mad, so thanks, MOM! I’m being sarcastic!
Election Wrap-Up and Bye Bye, Crimson Tide
I am glad that the midterms are over, but I will sincerely miss all the clueless Republicans tweeting about their imagined #redwave because “red wave” is obviously a euphemism for menstruation and it just never occurred to them because they are so very dumb. And wrong! We had a blue wave! As of my deadline, Dems are up 39 seats in the House of Representatives, and one of those is democratic socialist darling Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York, who’s been open about not being rich. Noted hack Eddie Scarry recently shared a creeper shot of Ocasio-Cortez’s clothed backside and wrote: “That jacket and coat don’t look like a girl who struggles.” Twitter then delightfully dragged Scarry for suggesting that only the wealthy have jackets, including friend of the Mercury Ian Karmel, who tweeted: “I just saw Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez eat one whole bean. She didn’t cut it up into several small pieces and share them with her fellow hobos.” Scarry later deleted his tweet because everyone kept calling him stupid, and because conservatives trying to be clever are never as clever as they think. #redwave
And how’d our beautiful state do on Election Day? Well, we’ve reelected Governor Kate Brown (yay!), won and defeated all the right ballot measures (yayyy!), and in the tiny of town of Yoncalla, Oregon, which I’d never heard of before, 18-year-old Ben Simons was elected mayor. (Like the rest of the Parks and Rec nerds across our great land, I breathlessly rushed to prepare a joke about Ice Clown Ben Wyatt losing his Town Crown because of Ice Town.) Then I actually read the article about him in the Hill and learned that “Simons graduated from Yoncalla High School in June as valedictorian and is studying at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg. He is also a city councilor and a volunteer firefighter.” (Emphasis mine, because damn, that is impressive.) I’m sorry, Ben Simons. I hope you do a good job! Just stay away from winter sports parks. (Or don’t. I’d really love to make some of the jokes I thought of. Whoomp, there Yoncalla is!)
Meanwhile, in Florida, they’re still counting votes, because Florida is a clumsy idiot that is not so much with the counting. Broward County is the subject of the most scrutiny, and was expertly dissed by Politico as “The Florida of Florida.” Damn, Politico; that’s cold. Wait, no—not cold, because it’s Florida. Try this: Damn, Politico; that’s hotter than balls when there’s 200 percent humidity and they’re covered in mosquitoes and alligators.
Idris and Emma Are the Bosses of Everything Now
Speaking of new leaders, Idris Elba has been coronated by People magazine as the “Sexist Man Alive.” All together now: No shit, People magazine! Upon hearing the news, Idris Elba said he “looked in the mirror, I checked myself out. I was like, ‘Yeah, you are kind of sexy today.’” All together now: No shit, Idris Elba! You are sexy every day. Fellow perfect English human Emma Thompson also has a new title: Dame Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire. For one, that sounds made up. And for two, it’s not enough! Make the woman queen! Or shit, make her king! Have Idris and Emma be co-kings. Anyone who believes this is not possible is encouraged to write a 5,000-word essay on how the British government works. I’ll wait.
News for the Young
I know not everybody who reads this column gives a hoot about celebrities over 40, so I’m going to attempt to engage you by writing and bolding the names Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth. Gotcha! Sadly, this item is sad: The couple’s Malibu home burned down in the horrific fires currently ravaging the state of California. Other celebrities, including Neil Young and Gerard Butler (crap, I’ve confused the young again, haven’t I?) also lost their homes. Some disgustingly famous jerkoffs who I refuse to name here hired private firefighters to protect their mansions. If nothing else, this dick move has helped me decide where to lead my angry mob with pitchforks when the class war gets up and running. Meanwhile, hundreds of non-millionaires who do not have private firefighters are still missing. There’s no joke here. This is sad.
Also very sad: According to OPB, several of my beloved Cannon Beach bunnies have been found dead, and the cause is still unknown. But I have something nice to share, too—one of my favorite coworkers has adopted one of the bunny orphans and promised to let me go to her house to pet it.
The Last Word
We’ve made it to the end! You know, I was hoping that with the elections over, I’d be able to focus on more uplifting stuff, but these are still some dark-ass times. And get this: Not only is today the youngest you will ever be again, but this is also the farthest ahead of the 2020 presidential election you’ll ever be again. HA HA HA. And since 2016 was 84 years ago, by my calculations, we’ll be approximately 800 years old in 2020, and if we’re not working as knights guarding holy grails in caves somewhere, we’ll have likely been deputized to help count Florida ballots. Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful we’re not Florida. I’m thankful for bunnies. And of course, I’m thankful for all of you. Mwah.