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Happy New Year, babies! Great news: That was the last New Year’s Eve where the numbers on party eyewear will have to be tweaked in a weird way to say 2019. (The 9 is an eye??) Next year is 2020, so our party glasses will be much more functional. Our prize (not a prize) for making it through the holidays is JANUARY—AKA the WORST month of the year. It’s dark all the time, the weather sucks, it’s at least 75 days long, and we’re all budgeting and on diets and boring. Blech. My hope for this year is that Jared Kushner gets literally or metaphorically hit in the nuts, and my no-stakes goal for myself is to learn how to moonwalk. Maybe my goal should be to figure out better goals? I’ll revisit this. We have all year. For now: gossip!

It’s Awards Season!

The Golden Globes just happened! This is my favorite awards show partly because it’s the first big one of the year and I hate waiting for stuff, but also because everyone else dumps on it for being so very silly. (THEY’RE ALL SILLY!) That makes me protective of it in a way that a party for rich people absolutely does not need. The pointlessness of it all compounds and cancels everything out until nothing matters... except for, and especially, this:

So at this silly thing whose value does not need to be argued any further, my favorite Newsie Christian Bale won an award for playing Dick Cheney in Vice. During his acceptance speech, he compared Cheney to Satan. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” responded Satan. “I’ve only waged war on people who deserve it.” DAMN, SATAN! Ouch! Other noteworthy things happened as well: Host Sandra Oh joked that Crazy Rich Asians was the first studio film with an Asian American lead since Ghost in the Shell (starring non-Asian Scarlett Johansson) and Aloha (starring non-Asian Emma Stone). To her credit, Stone yelled an apology from the audience—because she’s smarter now than she was then. Oh also made history by being the first Asian woman to host the show, as well as the first to win multiple Golden Globes. Her parents were in the audience and they looked so cute and happy. See? The Golden Globes are great! SO SHUT UP.

Meanwhile the Oscars are being a real dumbass. After Kevin Hart imploded after refusing to apologize for past homophobic statements, the Academy has decided to move forward without a host. It could be a real shitshow, and honestly, that’s the most interesting thing it’ll have going for it. Hart, keeping it all about him (of course), has gone on a non-apology tour, visiting a variety of talk shows to drive home how little he’s learned. On Colbert, Hart said: “It’s an onion. So no matter how many times you keep peeling it, it’s just endless. There’s no end to it.” Fact check: Onions do not have infinite layers. They end. Unlike this story.

Weird Rumor Alert!

When Ariana Grande started dating Pete Davidson, and suddenly this goofy comedian who looked like a tall Marc Anthony was in the news all the time, we all agreed to roll with it—because whatever Ariana wants, Ariana gets. But now that Pete and Ariana are dunzo, do we really need to be keeping tabs on him? Like, do we really need to know that he allegedly left a Globes party with none other than English mega-babe Kate Beckinsale? And who are we worried about more? Kate? Pete? Or those of us who know this information and actually care?

This Week in “Smell Ya Later!”

Did you guys know they’re still making Pirates of the Caribbean movies? (I guess I’ve been tuning this out for the last several years.) Apparently, even though the films still make a jabillion dollars worldwide, the last two (out of a total of freaking FIVE? What the hell?!) have not been earning the kazillion dollars the studio was hoping for. I guess American society has finally come to realize what most hetero girls did by age 16: Johnny Depp ain’t shit. According to The Mary Sue, a reboot of the franchise is on its way, but without Depp—which frees up tens of millions of dollars to spend on a new actor that hopefully won’t be so gross. Smell ya later, Johnny!

The Lifetime channel recently aired a six-part documentary featuring women who survived sexual abuse by R. Kelly. While Kelly has been accused of preying on young girls for YEARS (he married Aaliyah when she was 15 and he was 27, for god’s sake), it’s finally hit a tipping point, and fellow artists who had “no comment”-ed for years are finally throwing down. Even better, he’s now under criminal investigation in Georgia as a result of the documentary. All together now: Smell ya later, R. Kelly!

If I’d been writing this column a year ago, I probably would have given a “smell ya later!” to Louis CK, but it would have been premature, because that dude’s stink is lingering. He’s still doing sets, still saying wrong and wronger things, and now his friend, fellow comedian and ex-idol of mine Janeane Garofalo needlessly told Bust magazine to “leave Louis C.K. alone.” Uhhhhhhh....no? Actually, he needs to leave us alone. Fan that fart away.

Our Ongoing National Nightmare

As of my press deadline, the federal shutdown continues to grind along because our idiot president (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) can’t have his dumb wall. While some of our fellow Americans are struggling to pay their bills because Uncle Sam ain’t paying them, some of our other fellow Americans are seeing this as a purge-like opportunity and are taking advantage of the lack of supervision in our National Parks to ride their ATVs over the stuff that made our parks worth protecting. For example, in Joshua Tree someone’s trashy cousins are destroying... yep, you guessed it: JOSHUA TREES. According to the blog National Parks Traveler, those pesky pieces of nature were apparently impeding the trashy cousins’ ability to access other pieces of nature. In conclusion: We don’t deserve our planet, and everyone sucks.

Not Everything Sucks

I couldn’t leave you on such a negative note—so here’s a nice story. Well, not exactly nice, but a situation that got a little less terrible: The Oregonian reported that women incarcerated in Oregon state prisons will now be offered free tampons in addition to the free maxipads they’d gotten in the past. Oregon is only one of three states to now provide an option of hygiene products to women in its care. I’m outraged that this wasn’t how it worked before—but glad it’s changing? Whether it’s pads, tampons, or only-slightly-good stories, in 2019 we take what we can get.

The Last Word

Bye, everyone! The good news is that I’ll see you again in two weeks. The bad news is that it will still be January. But more good news is that it’s gotta be over soon. If you need me, there’s a slight chance I’ll be trying to learn how to moonwalk. Mwah!