Hi. (Depending on your mood, you can read that âhiâ in the voice of Ross Geller from Friends [pathetic and whiny] or President Fitzgerald Grant from Scandal [powerful and sexy]. Although, the more I think about it, Ross and Fitz are very much alike; both are needy man-babies who donât deserve the accomplished women in their orbit, and even though theyâre both next-level the worst, Iâd French either one of âem. And while Iâm not proud of my TV fantasy crushes, and may later regret sharing that, my heart has been torn up and taped back together an awful lot in the last few years, so itâs more porous than it once was.)
Ahem. Hi. Hereâs some stuff thatâs happening!
Witch Hunt Yields More Witches
The ongoing investigation into the Trump teamâs alleged collusion with Russia to steal the 2016 presidential election is looking less âallegedâ by the minute! Last Friday, Trump advisor Roger Stone was arrested and indicted on a variety of charges, including lying to Congress and some jazz about Wikileaks and stolen Clinton campaign emails. None of this is all that surprising, but I love this story because of this: According to the New York Times, Stone describes himself as a âdirty tricksterâ and has a back tattoo of Richard Nixon (what) and uses old-timey mobster insults like âstoolieâ (what?) and threatened a colleagueâs fluffy white therapy dog, Bianca (WHAT?!). Not to be out-ridiculoused, fellow disgraced Trump associate Michael Cohen also had some recent articles written about his idiocy. For example, the Wall Street Journal reported that Cohen previously hired people to pretend heâs attractive and tweet that heâs a âsexy pit bull terrier.â (Again: what? Thereâs so much âwhat?â in the world right now!)
Reacting to the Stone arrest on Twitter, Trump wrote, âGreatest Witch Hunt in the History of our Country!â Iâm gonna have to agree with Donald for the first time ever: This is a great witch hunt! Itâs a fucking awesome witch hunt. Like, Roald Dahl couldnât have written better witches. These witches are hilarious. And sexy. Like pit bulls, I guess? With back tattoos. Woof!
And Women Will Save Us
As the garbage fire of the 2016 election continues burning bright, weâre already gathering tinder for the 2020 campaign. And by âtinderâ I mean âcandidates,â several of whom happen to be women. Senators Elizabeth Warren, Kirsten Gillibrand, and Kamala Harris have already thrown down. The media, having learned from the harm caused by its sexist coverage of Hillary Clinton in 2016, has kicked off this campaign cycle with level-headed nuance and... LOL, I canât even finish writing that joke sentence! Many outlets have gone straight to questioning these womenâs âlikability,â which is a pretend question asked by men who donât like bossy women. Samantha Bee dialed in on what bullshit this is. âWe are not off to a good start!â Bee rightly said. âWhen we frame women candidates like this right off the bat, it becomes impossible to actually discuss them with nuance down the line.â Preach, Sam! And because I guess Iâm in the media, let me throw out a small counterbalance to that noise by stating for the record that I think bossy women are extremely likable. But also, letâs not act like candidates truly have to be likableâwhat with Donald freaking Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) being our president right now.
Radioactive Puppies and the Death of New Media
According to Buzzfeed, several puppies born in Chernobylâthe site of one of the worldâs worst nuclear disastersâhave been adopted by families in North America and will soon bring their Soviet-era toxic glow to our shores. Buzzfeed reports: âThe whirlwind of viral stories about the dog program sometimes play up their radioactivity to the point of inaccuracy... the puppies are not radioactive.â Crap, okay, please disregard the first part of this sectionâs title. The story goes on to report that if the dogs have had any contact with radioactive material, itâs âusually... just on their butt, if they sit in something.â Okay! New title:
Puppies WITH RADIOACTIVE BUTTS and the Death of New Media
Enjoy your radioactive puppy butt news while you can get it, because Buzzfeed just laid off 15 percent of its staff. The site, which grew in popularity thanks to cat memes and personality quizzes, had become a journalistic powerhouse that should still be riding high from breaking major news about Trumpâs ongoing attempts to build a tacky skyscraper in Moscow. Instead, the consolidation of Google and Facebookâs online power has led to tons of layoffs across digital publications in recent days. Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is metaphorically killing a diverse media landscape with a knife and a laser gunâjust like he literally killed a goat in 2011 for a dinner with Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey (thatâs true!). Thanks for the cats and radioactive puppy butts, Buzzfeed! (Iâm using an exclamation point and bringing up the puppies again to make this not seem like a huge bummer!)
Delicious Classic Gossip
Sometimes thereâs a story so perfect that itâs gotta be fabricated by gossip writers desperate for something to write about, and Iâve got that story right here: Charlize Theron and Brad Pitt are dating! Well, maybe they are! Okay, the original source is the very unreliable UK Sun, and the generally correct People said, âThey have not been out together recently, and were never dating. Reports of them being involved romantically are false.â No! Now Iâm sad again! Pitt and Theron have both done humanitarian work; their next project should be to actually date because weâre hanging on by a thread out here and we need this. *Puts fingers in ears, unfollows People on Twitter.*
In other âclassic gossip,â the Academy Award nominations came out last week, which is only fun because itâs a mess. First they lost Kevin Hart as host. (Bye!) Now, only a few years after expanding the Best Picture category to 10 nominees, this year it only nominated eight. And in a super misguided attempt to keep the telecast short, only two of the five Best Song nominees will be performed, which disappointed famous nice person Lin-Manuel Miranda, who tweeted: âIf true, and Poppinsâ song wonât be performed, truly disappointing. Hostless AND music-less? To quote Kendrick: Damn.â The ceremony will be on February 24, which means we can expect to see plenty more PR disasters between now and then. Awards shows are dumb and I love them, especially when they are extra dumb like this. I mean, there are real live people who are upset that Bradley Cooper wasnât nominated for Best Director. We share the planet with people who think Bradley Cooper should have an Academy Award for Best Director. Bless this mess.
The Last Word
See? How am I supposed to resist the loving yet problematic fictional arms of Ross Geller and President Fitzgerald Grant with *gestures at America* all of this happening? Shit is TENSE. Iâm going toâwell, not exactly forgive my sins (have you watched Friends recently? Ross is truly awful), but definitely ignore them for a while. Iâll ignore your problematic faves, too. Weâre doing our best, probably. Okay. Bye.