When I say, âTHIS TOO, you say, SHALL PASS THIS TOO! You, presumably: SHALL PASS! THIS TOO! You, presumably: yeah actually weâre not going to keep doing this. Chant leading doesnât really work in the written word. Hey, I'm just trying to jostle you out of your relaxing but excessive ~executive time~ to invest in a little ~Elinor time.~ Hello. Welcome. We look good. Let's do it!
The Trumps
(Sorry to lead with these clowns, but theyâve been extra clowny lately and thatâs something to celebrate.) So, the Donald Trumps were really dumb this week. Letâs start with the elder: Donald Trump (the president, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) was finally allowed to deliver his State of the Union address last week thanks to Nancy Pelosi. But afterward, all anybody wanted to talk about was Nancyâs delivery, which was an instantly iconic golf clap right in Trumpâs stupid orange face. Don Senior: Nancy owns you, and ya dumb. Not to be overshadowed (although, of course, he is and always will be, and nothing he ever does will make his daddy love him more), Don Junior tweeted a very terrible âjokeâ referencing âS&L,â suggesting he doesnât realize that SNL is an abbreviation for Saturday Night Live which, I have to admit, is a level of dumb that had never occurred to meâso points for that. Or was he just trying to get his dad to notice him, which will never happen? Either way: Ya dumb!
The best Trump of the biweekly is Joshua Trump. The 11-year-old, whoâs not related to our bad president Donald, was a guest of first lady Melania Trump at the State of the Union. The backstory is that Joshua has been bullied because his last name is Trump and Melania found that very âBe Best.â But the kid fell asleep, which was either a normal reaction for a child that was up too late doing something boring, or a calculated, epic diss on Melania Trump for her hypocrisy in trying to lead an anti-bullying initiative while being married to a world-class troll. Either way: Joshua is the best Trump.
Sports Ball Coverage!
As reported in the Oregonian, state representative E. Werner Reschke from Southern Oregon recently introduced a bill to change the name of the Portland Trail Blazers to the Oregon Trail Blazers to ârecognize the importance of the team to the entire state of Oregon and its place in the hearts of Oregonians across the state.â Do people across the state not realize that Portland counts as Oregon? And that liking something from Portland doesnât automatically make you a liberal snowflake cuck, or whatever they think we are? In response, I hereby propose a first-of-its-kind TTSP legislative bill to ârecognize that Portland counts as Oregon and liking something from Portland doesnât automatically make you a liberal snowflake cuck.â This bill may be co-signed by everybody who has purchased Portland Trail Blazers merchandise since 1970 and doesnât want to buy a new hat.
In other sportsball news, I, a Sportsball Expert, will share with you the following: The Super Bowl happened. I didnât watch it, because Super Bowl Sunday is hands-down the best day of the year to shop at Ross, and it is my sacred tradition. However, while I was shopping, Adam Levine apparently imposed his nipples on the rest of the world, all of whom sighed at the hypocrisy of Janet Jacksonâs career being nearly destroyed by showing her nipple at the 2004 Super Bowl. Then the world realized that, yeah, shopping at Ross on a quiet Sunday sounds way better than engaging in any of this toxic male sportsballing and promised to never make such a ridiculously stupid mistake again. See you all at Ross.
Contractual Bieber Update
Or should I say the Biebers, plural? Justin Bieber and his wife, Hailey Bieber, landed the cover of next monthâs Vogue, looking just as young and delicious as wealthy celebrities should, andâshit, if I were rich, young, and beautiful, Iâd marry an equally hot idiot and flaunt it, too... so whatâs the big deal? This is a big deal because my editor, Wm. Steven Humphrey, says that it is, and I cherish my freelance checks far too much to ignore his many emails demanding that I pay attention to The Biebers. The Vogue article reports that Justin and Hailey waited until marriage to have sex, and now their seemingly spontaneous courthouse wedding a few months ago makes a lot more sense. Thereâs your content, Steve! Now can I have my money??
In Other News
So much wild stuff happened in the last couple of weeks! I canât go deep on everything but I will die if I donât mention the following: Ariana Grande got a tattoo on her palm that was meant to read âseven ringsâ in Japanese, but Google Translate did not do her a solid and instead it said âsmall charcoal grill.â Then while trying to correct it, the tat was botched again to say âJapanese barbecue fingerââwhich is a bummer because now when I get my âJapanese barbecue fingerâ tattoo everyoneâs going to think I copied her! :(
Liam Neeson recently shared that his response to a friend being allegedly assaulted by a Black man was a desire to kill an entirely different Black man. Curiously, Michelle Rodriguez got his back by sharing that Liam wouldnât have frenched Viola Davis so hard in Widows if he hated Black people...but like, hello? Despicable people french, too!
Miley Cyrus wore some frighteningly baggy grunge-era jeans on Instagram and now Iâm having flashbacks to being in high school in the â90s. While Iâd really hate to revisit those old photos of myself, at least I wasnât in blackfaceâwhich makes me far less misguided and awful than a lot of politicians in Virginia. Feel free to send me a cookie.
The Last Word
I hope that by the time this paper hits the street, our fair city of Portland still has streets, and hasnât been fully converted into a frozen, barren tundra. I hope that you are warm. I hope that you bought enough gin. Most of all, I hope that you enjoyed...~Elinor time.~ Meow.