Pool / Getty Images

When I say, “THIS TOO, you say, SHALL PASS THIS TOO! You, presumably: SHALL PASS! THIS TOO! You, presumably: yeah actually we’re not going to keep doing this. Chant leading doesn’t really work in the written word. Hey, I'm just trying to jostle you out of your relaxing but excessive ~executive time~ to invest in a little ~Elinor time.~ Hello. Welcome. We look good. Let's do it!


The Trumps

(Sorry to lead with these clowns, but they’ve been extra clowny lately and that’s something to celebrate.) So, the Donald Trumps were really dumb this week. Let’s start with the elder: Donald Trump (the president, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) was finally allowed to deliver his State of the Union address last week thanks to Nancy Pelosi. But afterward, all anybody wanted to talk about was Nancy’s delivery, which was an instantly iconic golf clap right in Trump’s stupid orange face. Don Senior: Nancy owns you, and ya dumb. Not to be overshadowed (although, of course, he is and always will be, and nothing he ever does will make his daddy love him more), Don Junior tweeted a very terrible “joke” referencing “S&L,” suggesting he doesn’t realize that SNL is an abbreviation for Saturday Night Live which, I have to admit, is a level of dumb that had never occurred to me—so points for that. Or was he just trying to get his dad to notice him, which will never happen? Either way: Ya dumb!

The best Trump of the biweekly is Joshua Trump. The 11-year-old, who’s not related to our bad president Donald, was a guest of first lady Melania Trump at the State of the Union. The backstory is that Joshua has been bullied because his last name is Trump and Melania found that very “Be Best.” But the kid fell asleep, which was either a normal reaction for a child that was up too late doing something boring, or a calculated, epic diss on Melania Trump for her hypocrisy in trying to lead an anti-bullying initiative while being married to a world-class troll. Either way: Joshua is the best Trump.


Sports Ball Coverage!

As reported in the Oregonian, state representative E. Werner Reschke from Southern Oregon recently introduced a bill to change the name of the Portland Trail Blazers to the Oregon Trail Blazers to “recognize the importance of the team to the entire state of Oregon and its place in the hearts of Oregonians across the state.” Do people across the state not realize that Portland counts as Oregon? And that liking something from Portland doesn’t automatically make you a liberal snowflake cuck, or whatever they think we are? In response, I hereby propose a first-of-its-kind TTSP legislative bill to “recognize that Portland counts as Oregon and liking something from Portland doesn’t automatically make you a liberal snowflake cuck.” This bill may be co-signed by everybody who has purchased Portland Trail Blazers merchandise since 1970 and doesn’t want to buy a new hat.

In other sportsball news, I, a Sportsball Expert, will share with you the following: The Super Bowl happened. I didn’t watch it, because Super Bowl Sunday is hands-down the best day of the year to shop at Ross, and it is my sacred tradition. However, while I was shopping, Adam Levine apparently imposed his nipples on the rest of the world, all of whom sighed at the hypocrisy of Janet Jackson’s career being nearly destroyed by showing her nipple at the 2004 Super Bowl. Then the world realized that, yeah, shopping at Ross on a quiet Sunday sounds way better than engaging in any of this toxic male sportsballing and promised to never make such a ridiculously stupid mistake again. See you all at Ross.


Contractual Bieber Update

Vogue

Or should I say the Biebers, plural? Justin Bieber and his wife, Hailey Bieber, landed the cover of next month’s Vogue, looking just as young and delicious as wealthy celebrities should, and—shit, if I were rich, young, and beautiful, I’d marry an equally hot idiot and flaunt it, too... so what’s the big deal? This is a big deal because my editor, Wm. Steven Humphrey, says that it is, and I cherish my freelance checks far too much to ignore his many emails demanding that I pay attention to The Biebers. The Vogue article reports that Justin and Hailey waited until marriage to have sex, and now their seemingly spontaneous courthouse wedding a few months ago makes a lot more sense. There’s your content, Steve! Now can I have my money??


In Other News

So much wild stuff happened in the last couple of weeks! I can’t go deep on everything but I will die if I don’t mention the following: Ariana Grande got a tattoo on her palm that was meant to read “seven rings” in Japanese, but Google Translate did not do her a solid and instead it said “small charcoal grill.” Then while trying to correct it, the tat was botched again to say “Japanese barbecue finger”—which is a bummer because now when I get my “Japanese barbecue finger” tattoo everyone’s going to think I copied her! :(

Liam Neeson recently shared that his response to a friend being allegedly assaulted by a Black man was a desire to kill an entirely different Black man. Curiously, Michelle Rodriguez got his back by sharing that Liam wouldn’t have frenched Viola Davis so hard in Widows if he hated Black people...but like, hello? Despicable people french, too!

Miley Cyrus wore some frighteningly baggy grunge-era jeans on Instagram and now I’m having flashbacks to being in high school in the ’90s. While I’d really hate to revisit those old photos of myself, at least I wasn’t in blackface—which makes me far less misguided and awful than a lot of politicians in Virginia. Feel free to send me a cookie.


The Last Word

I hope that by the time this paper hits the street, our fair city of Portland still has streets, and hasn’t been fully converted into a frozen, barren tundra. I hope that you are warm. I hope that you bought enough gin. Most of all, I hope that you enjoyed...~Elinor time.~ Meow.