My last column was filed approximately five seconds before news broke that the Mueller report on the Trump campaign’s possible collusion with Russia was completed—which is great for me, because by the time I’ve filed this column, everybody’s already sick to death of hearing about it, so I don’t have to be bothered! All of the possible takes are already as stale as Steve Bannon’s breath (presumptively), and we all know that I only want the freshest news and gossip for you, my beloved readers, although of course you also know that this is a biweekly column printed by a machine onto actual paper and distributed into boxes so the news it contains will always be anywhere from two to 16 days old, and that this is an unavoidable reality for this product which you yourself have elected to enjoy, for free. We’re doing our best!
Ahem! Moving on! What’s going on besides Mueller? Lots!
Spice Up Your Life
Thanks to the dropping of the Mueller Report, everyone totally missed this story, which is at least as important: Spice Girl Mel B (Scary) told Piers Morgan that back in the day she and Geri (Ginger) spiced up their lives by having sex. This is both not at all surprising and totally life-changing. It’s not surprising because their first hit was about how any potential suitors had to “get with my friends,” and it’s totally life-changing because I’ve been behind the Spice Girls’ brand of bubblegum girl power for 20 years and I wanted to assume that they really did love each other that much and now the last two decades are validated! Also, this supports my belief that everybody is at least a little bit gay. “So what do you think about that? Now you know how I feel....” SPICY!
Trump Says Wrong Things
This’ll be fun/depressing! Aside from the straight-up lies he tells (like when he said the Mueller report exonerated him when his own hand-picked Attorney General William Barr said the opposite—but not going there), Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) is bad at talking even when he’s trying to make sense. At a recent press conference he held to bitch about NATO, Trump said: “I have great respect for the country. My father is German, was German, born in a very wonderful place in Germany so I have a very great feeling for Germany.” Trump’s father was born in New York. ALSO, Trump recently ranted about Mueller at a White House briefing (lucky!) and encouraged reporters to look into the origins of the investigation, but several times instead seemed to have said “the oranges of the investigation.” But I said this part would be fun so here’s a joke: Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you depressed now?
My baby boomer mom responds to such embarrassing behavior by tweeting mean things at Trump all day. While it is annoying that baby boomers get to enjoy entitlements that we younger generations are working three jobs to cover, I support her spending her retirement cyber-bullying the president of the free world. Activism takes many forms. Be best, mom!
Some Other Jerks
Pharma-bro Martin Shkreli is in solitary confinement because he’s allegedly running his parasitic pharmaceutical rackets from prison on a cell phone. Oh, walls can’t restrict crime? Huh, interesting. Another guy who sucks is former pizza mogul, presidential candidate, and accused sexual harasser Herman Cain, who might get unprecedented influence over our economy with an appointment to the Federal Reserve and I’m concerned that the pizza part won’t factor in at all. Boo! And my feeble American brain can only ever assume that whatever’s happening in England is classier than what’s happening here, but their Brexit planning is spiraling into pure American-style garbage—so thank you, UK, for making us feel a little less trashy.
CATS on CATS on CATS
You know who couldn’t read the Mueller report (even if it were ever released, which I don’t care about one way or another, because we’re not talking about it)? Cats. Segue to: an update on the film adaptation of the Broadway musical CATS! According to Entertainment Weekly, some lucky cat fanciers at CinemaCon just got a sneak peek of behind-the-scenes footage from the film, which apparently was just a bunch of A-listers slinking around in motion-capture suits, and EW also shared that the cat characters in the film will be cat-sized. Meow? I need to know: Will they still walk (dance!) on two legs like they do in the play? Or will they be on four legs, so only the actors’ faces are visible? Because that just makes me think of a Thomas the Train-looking character, but instead of a train it’s a cat with Idris Elba’s face. Either option sounds insane, so good on them for making a ridiculous project even weirder, because this is literally the only thing I care about.
In Local News
Speaking of cats (the non-motion-captured kind), Senator Jeff Merkley endeared himself to the internet by posing with Instagram star and cat activist (catctivist?) Kitten Lady (Hannah Shaw) after successfully campaigning to end government testing on kittens. Good god! Our government tested on kittens?! Thanks, guys, for both alerting us to that horror and especially for ending it! ... Many people are excited to learn that Celine Dion will be coming to Portland on her upcoming tour. She’s not my lady, but I’m happy for you if she’s yours. I’ve seen Titanic! ... According to the Oregonian, the City of Portland can’t find enough people to work as cops because everyone here smokes weed and they can’t give guns to people who break federal laws. *Takes huge bong rip* Oh no, guess we can’t be cops then! *Exhales in your face*
The Last Word
To the sheer delight of sluts for both Netflix and progressive politics (raises hand!), Queer Eye’s Fab Five (minus Karamo) recently visited the Capitol Hill offices of freshman representative and Twitter expert Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. There’s no actual news to report here, but I recommend that you check all of their Insties to brighten your day. There are currently a lot of Disney villains in the news (he can’t even say origins?!), so we need happy woodland creatures like these to sing along to. And that’s it! See how easy it was for me to be fresh as hell? I did it for you. I hope nothing huge happens right after I hit submit this time. Nobody do anything for two weeks, k?