Hi everyone, especially those who waved at me at the Pride Parade last weekend. I hope you’re all healing nicely from the lizard-skin sunburns you got from wearing all that mesh clothing. Man, how much does the mesh clothing industry love Pride month? It’s really their time to shine. Probably their only time to shine—mesh is not exactly year-round material. Anyway: news!
Query: How is Donald Trump Still President?
So a few days ago, the president said, right out of his mouth, clear as day, on camera, that if a foreign government approached him during the 2020 campaign with dirt on a political rival, he’d listen. To paraphrase: “Hey, would you like to commit a crime?” “Yes, yes I would.” Do you ever pause during your inhalation of the news to remind yourself how nuts it is that Donald Trump is president? Like, huh? What the hell?! This guy’s whole persona is so slimy and tacky, they based the fictional villainous president in Back to the Future II on him 30 years ago, and for all this time, Marty McFly has been trying to undo the fictional reality of a Biff presidency which is now our actual reality. But it’s worse, because we don’t even have hoverboards!
Thankfully, approximately 5,000 Democrat candidates are doing their best to unseat President Biff in a primary contest with—oh, God—15 months left. Journalist Lissandra Villa recently compiled all the entrance songs the candidates use at their rallies, and they’re so on-brand it hurts. Like Elizabeth Warren being our cool-ish moms with Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5” and Andrew Yang being WTF U doin’ buddy with “Return of the Mack.” I’m bringing this up so you know that if I ran for president, my entrance song would be “Rhythm Nation” by Janet Jackson. It’s got lyrics like, “Join voices in protest to social injustice.” Hell yeah! Also, nobody can argue with a “rhythm” platform. Also, it’s got the word “nation” right there in the title (reminiscent of our nation, the USA). I recommend any future candidate use this song. Although I will have no choice but to sue them for a consultant’s fee, they will have my vote.
Smell Ya Later, Sarah
Professional liar (and high school girl voted “Most Likely to Ruin the Fun”) Sarah Huckabee Sanders recently announced her resignation as press secretary. Rumor has it she’s considering a run for office. Now, part of me hopes that we never see Sarah again, but a bigger part of me wants to see her try and lose horribly for being a horrible person who stood up for an administration that put babies in jails. After that she’ll probably become another random busybody in a church basement whose only friends are a bunch of other sour-faced prudes in Ann Taylor suits and pearl necklaces who get off on taking pictures of families using food stamps at the grocery store so their fellow crones can be mad that some poor kids get to eat name-brand cereal. Sarah, whatever the future brings you, I hope it sucks.
And Now... Sports!
The Toronto Raptors were recently crowned the Kings of the North after besting the Golden State Warriors in the NBA Finals. Literally the only reason that I know this is because I follow a lot of people on Twitter who keep tabs on Canadian pop star Drake, and this has been a big deal for Drizzy. I am happy for Canada! You deserve this! (I will not say anything bad about Canada, ever. I really want to move there. Surely they have a visa program for people just being nice? I can get into Drake, I swear!)
Would you like an update on an American sports team that is winning instead of losing like the Warriors did? Let’s turn our eyes to the Women’s World Cup and US women’s national soccer team co-captain Megan Rapinoe, who years ago became the first white athlete to follow Colin Kaepernick’s lead in taking the knee during the national anthem. Rapinoe has continued her protest of *gestures at USA being a general trash heap* by not joining her teammates in singing the national anthem before Cup matches. According to The Hill, Rapinoe said “It’s kind of a good ‘F you’ to any sort of inequality or bad sentiments that the administration might have towards people who don’t look exactly like him. Which, God help us if we all looked like him.” Ohhhhhh, burn!! When Rapinoe wants to kick some balls, she kicks ’em good.
And Now... Hollyweird!
Jessica Biel recently spoke out in favor of a bill that would allow California parents to deny their children crucial medications that prevent diseases. I’ve had basically no opinion on Jessica Biel this whole time except for a few years ago when I LOLed at her failed high-end children’s restaurant, but my takeaway is this: Biel’s not parenting on her own. Justin Timberlake is also responsible for their son’s care and any ignorant decision they make. And for him, it makes sense, doesn’t it? Slick pop stars don’t just make an album like Man of the Woods if they haven’t also been reading up on Big Pharma. Not believing science is the next logical step for a guy who’s suddenly trying to make us believe he’s always been a guy who can pull off flannel. We ain’t buyin’ it, JT.
Gary Is Dead. Long Live Gary.
A 2015 UK article recently reported that the name “Gary” is likely to go extinct by the year 2050 because nobody has named a baby Gary in years. Hey, I have a kid. I understand the pressure to come up with a unique name, but I can also tell you that my child goes to daycare with, like, 10 “Hazels” and “Oceans.” If anybody actually wants a unique name for their baby in 2019, we may have found it.
In Local News
The two Portland men who last summer splashed some cops with glitter and lube were recently sentenced to five days in jail for misdemeanor harassment. One cop whined to the judge that he had to throw away his uniform because of all the glitter and reported, “I still have glitter on the side of my handgun.” Officer, the words you’re looking for here are “THANK YOU” because now you can be faaaaaabulous when using deadly force. The cops also said they were alarmed when they were splashed by the sparkly mixture because they didn’t know if it was harmful, but that was AFTER they’d told the protesters to dump it out. So its potential toxicity isn’t a concern when it’s going down the storm drain and into our water supply, but it’s suddenly a fucking crisis when it makes your gun gay?
The Last Word
I’m so sorry to have to end things here! I didn’t even get to dive into Justin Bieber challenging Tom Cruise to a cage fight, although that’s 1,000 words all on its own, so I’m off to write next week’s column. Until then: stay safe. Wear your sunblock. Pack glitter, not guns.