Rich Polk / Getty Images

Hello, and welcome to This Too Shall Pass! I’ll be your columnist, Elinor Jones. You may know me from such experiences as reading the Portland Mercury (welcome back!), a social event (I either talked too much or not at all), a professional interaction (“Cool spreadsheet!” *firm handshake*), or childhood (hi mom!). This week, we’re going to have fun with comparisons! Buckle up! Or don’t, actually—this will be extremely gentle. More like: Get comfortable. Ahhh, that’s nice... Okay! Gossip!

Disappointments, Imagined and Real

Not that it mattered, but the nation again turned its weary eyes to our most revered and boring uncle, Robert Mueller, who testified before Congress last week and spent a lot of time seeming really disappointed that we didn’t just read the thing he wrote for us. Many people felt the testimony flopped because Uncle Bob didn’t deliver the crushing soundbites that all the politicians involved were frothing for, but since Mueller’s been a steel trap for the last two years, I don’t know what they were really expecting?

FAR more entertaining is that Donald Trump’s eldest and most disappointing son, Donald Trump Jr., is releasing a book called Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us, and the cover of the book is Jr. standing with his arms crossed making a face I can only describe as him having just said, “I’m telling my dad!’ and then he told his dad, but his dad didn’t give a shit or do anything, so now Jr. just keeps standing there with his arms crossed because he doesn’t know what else to do and is beginning to realize he’s about to get kicked in the nuts. So no, Jr., we don’t want to silence you. PLEASE keep making more hilarious book covers. They may disappoint your dad, but they’ll never disappoint us.

Ted vs. Ted

I know that you don’t actually care what Texas Senator Ted Cruz is up to, but I’m going to tell you what he’s up to, because it’s... funny. Or rather, he’s funny? For possibly the first time ever? Cruz recently responded to a tweet saying that Bernie Sanders is the Zodiac Killer—an allegation that many have tried to (jokingly?) pin on Ted Cruz for years—with this: “Why do socialists try to take things that aren’t theirs?” Legit LOL. What is happening? Somewhat related: Ted Cruz has been rocking a beard for the last year or so and it’s very jarring how much better he looks. Almost like a normal person? Oh god, are we about to start warming up to Texas Senator Ted freaking Cruz?!

LOL, nope! Because now Ted Cruz is trying to start fights with Portland by whining about Mayor Ted Wheeler to Attorney General William Barr. Cruz whimpered, “Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler has staunchly refused to deploy and support local law enforcement to restore order and prevent antifa robberies and armed assaults,” which isn’t true, but more importantly: Who fucking asked you for your opinion, Ted Cruz? Even though your beard is well-groomed, keep it the hell out of our vegan milkshakes.

Joy or Not Joy: Hollywood Edition!

It was recently confirmed by Page Six that strong-jawed, severe, Very Serious Actors Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix are engaged. I didn’t realize the two were dating, so I Googled pictures of the two of them to help me think of jokes about their relationship. But then in the pictures I found of them together, they look totally full of joy, so now I feel like a real jerk. And how do two such intense people celebrate their love? Page Six reported that when the couple began dating back in 2017, they kicked things off with a sexy trip to a spa for “R&R, sipping juices and a few colonics.” I hope that phrase was just lacking an Oxford comma and not... what they did. If you don’t know, colonics are when you have your ass blasted to clear out your old poops. Decidedly not for sipping on.

And in celebrity news that will be interesting to a very specific group of people who spent the mid-’90s worshipping Andie MacDowell for having played the character in Four Weddings and a Funeral that got Hugh Grant’s character to settle down, here’s this: MacDowell PWND all of us about the vapidity of social media. “I have failed at twitter,” she wrote. “I like it to catch up on information or read articles. My sharing has mostly cause me pain. I read mean things from people I don’t know. It opens me up to sarcasm & too many mean people. I am a different generation. I don’t understand that kind of joy.” To be clear, Andie: it brings none of us joy. You’re just smarter than we are for getting out. You have succeeded at Twitter.

Joy or Not Joy: Space Edition!

Baby boomers recently celebrated the 50th anniversary of the Apollo moon landing, and many of us who were not born in 1969 rolled their eyes at the to-do—not because we aren’t awed by the vastness of space, but because baby boomers exhaust us with their constant celebrating of things that happened during their lifetimes. Coverage of the anniversary was a lot of interviews with our baby boomer moms about how they felt watching the moon landing on TV. Spoiler: They felt awesome, because TV rules? (This hasn’t changed!) But 50 years from now, I really doubt we millennials will have anniversaries of all the stuff we watched on TV, possibly because it’ll all be on fire. Or it could just be that, in the words of the great Andie MacDowell, I am a different generation. I don’t understand that kind of joy.

Cats on Cats

Cat Story #1: The state of New York just became the first in the nation to outlaw the practice of declawing cats. According to Vox, New York State Assembly member Linda Rosenthal said, “This is a real triumph for cats and the people who love them,” and that “New York is changing the way we view animals and our relationship with them.” Way to go, New York! Meow!

Cat Story #2: the trailer for the movie adaptation of the musical Cats came out last week, and everyone has been having nightmares about the furry cats with human faces and CG ears. Except for me! “This is a real triumph for cats and the people who love them,” I said. And, regarding the sexualized cats with human bodies and womanly breasts, I said that Cats is already “changing the way we view animals and our relationship with them.” In a sexy way. MEEEOWW!!

The Last Word

Sorry to end this column with the image of the hyper-sexualized cats of the Cats trailer that you’ve probably been trying to block out for the past two weeks, but I had fun writing it, and I hoped you all enjoyed reading it, although we can all agree I’m no Ted Cruz. Meow! Goodbye.