Hey, how ya been? Last weekend I woke up to find out that the mass shooting that people were talking about on Twitter in the morning was different than the one they’d been discussing when I went to bed the night before. Then I had breakfast with my child, went to an exercise class in a room with only one exit, and wondered for the first time what I’d do if a man with a gun showed up. Like, if I’d be safer at my usual spot by the door, or further away, taking into consideration that if I was by the door it would be faster to escape but could also make me the first target. Then I did some grocery shopping, followed by going to the park with my family. Just a regular Sunday in Trump’s America! I’m writing this week’s column with my mouth taped open into the shape of a smile because this page is supposed to be funny even though the world is very, very sad. And as I do in dark times, I ask myself: What would other people do?

What Would Smash Mouth Do?

Most people reacted to the news of two massacres in 13 hours that left 31 people dead with A) abject horror, B) outrage that assault weapons are still legal, C) outrage that the guy who inspired at least one of the massacres is still the goddamn president, and D) just your basic despair. But not famed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson! Because why express empathy when you could express “Well, actually”? Tyson tweeted that, in addition to the scores of people just murdered by guns, did we know that there’s data to suggest that other people die for other reasons too? My boys of the late-’90s pop rock band Smash Mouth spoke for us all by tweeting back: “FUCK OFF!!!! There’s your data!!!!” NDT later apologized for being a heartless robot. Smash Mouth apologized for nothing, because they didn’t need to, but the subtext is clearly: Hey Neil, even though you’re an astrophysicist, you’re not an all-star.

Walmart followed Neil deGrasse Tyson’s tone-deaf response to fully preventable gun violence by ceasing to sell some video games that feature guns—while continuing to sell ACTUAL GUNS. Look, if video games had any real impact on people, my boyfriend would drive faster, and I’d be a hell of a lot better at collecting coins.

What Would Mötley CrĂŒe Do?

Mötley CrĂŒe drummer and metal god Tommy Lee responded to Trump being generally the worst with a delicious Twitter rant about the hilarious revenge liberals will seek when this terrible president is no longer in office. The threats included Planned Parenthoods on every corner, painting Air Force One “pussy hat pink,” making it rain atheist literature on the Bible Belt, and inventing a new Chick-fil-A sandwich called the McPence, which is “a boiled unseasoned chicken breast that you have to eat in the closet with your mother.” Damn! [Pyrotechnics blast.] I’ve felt a really strong connection with Tommy Lee ever since we were on the same very turbulent and scary commercial flight where I was like, great, Tommy Lee is about to die in a plane crash, and I’m gonna be one of 200 fuckin’ nobodies who everybody forgets about, except for once in a while an acquaintance will tell a new friend, “Remember when Tommy Lee died in the plane crash? I knew a girl on that flight who also died,” and the new friend will not be too impressed. Clearly, we didn’t die, and Tommy Lee’s brilliant plans for a post-Trump America cement his status as our... metal protector. [Drum solo.]

What Would Lil Nas X Do?

If the last 17 weeks are any indication, by the time you read this, rapper Lil Nas X, the genius behind this summer’s best earworm “Old Town Road,” which just became Billboard’s longest-running #1 single, will have dropped two new remixes to keep the single on the top of the charts. I’ve always wanted to be a horse girl but I don’t think it’s in the cards for me to ride till I can’t no more. :’(

What Would Mayor Pete Do?

The Washington Post recently reported that Mayor Pete Buttigieg, the wunderkind mayor of South Bend, Indiana, plays the didgeridoo. Crap, hang on...

What Would Mayor Pete Didgeridoo?

I don’t know, because I’ll never be able to have a real conversation with Mayor Pete now that I know there are ancient Australian instrument puns to be made. I’d have no choice but to say awful things like, “What would you didgeridoo to protect our environment?” and “You’re the youngest candidate in this field—how’d you didgeridoo it?” This, and only this, is why I should never speak to Mayor Pete.

What Would Kate Brown Do?

Oregon governor Kate Brown would plot your demise, that’s what she’d do. According to Politico, when Brown was asked if she was still mad about the Republican minority in the state legislature fleeing the state instead of showing up for a vote they’d lose, she said, “Revenge is a dish best served cold... and slowly.” My immediate response to such a badass statement is: YAASSSSSSSS, that’s the tea, KB! But my more thoughtful response is... YOLO, you know? I’m not a patient person; I think revenge is a dish best served like bar cheese-fries: basically on fire, dripping oil that will burn your fingers and stain your clothes, and the consistency of molten lava that will destroy the shit out of your mouth and ruin everything you try to eat for at least a day. This, and only this, is why I should never be governor of Oregon.

The Last Word

The tape pulling my face into a smile is losing its hold, but I’m feeling a little bit better, thanks for asking. As always, I hope that I’ll have much better news and gossip to discuss two weeks from now. Until then, be safe, and be kind, and in a world of Neil deGrasse Tysons, be a Smash Mouth. xo.