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Hello! If you’ve read anything about Portland from the national media in the last two weeks, you’d think I’m writing this while cowering in an overturned dumpster to avoid a citywide brawl between hordes of masked vigilantes wielding hammers and shields. But since you’re here, you know I’m writing this from a phenomenally clean coffee shop while watching bicyclists dodge potholes—where the most dangerous person within spitting distance is a barista with a master’s degree in French. Get with it, national media! I’ve lived in Oregon my entire life; most people are either teachers or artists who have never punched a single person in their lives—and while they would theoretically punch a Nazi, they would really rather not... so could you please just leave us alone so we don’t break our fingers in a fistfight? We need those fingers for waving pedestrians to cross in front of us (while stopping traffic behind us) and to write very important gossip columns for our snarky alt-weeklies. Thanks.

But what’s going on outside of some fistfights in our misunderstood city? Oh, the world is just melting and on fire.

Our Savior is TBD

Climate bae and Washington governor Jay Inslee announced last week that he’s suspending his bid to become the Democratic presidential nominee. The candidate gained a devoted—albeit small—following for making climate change his primary campaign issue, as well as for being a silver fox in black-rimmed glasses who gave a strong college-professor-who-won’t-ask-you-out-for-a-glass-of-wine-sometime vibe. Although his campaign is over, it will not be forgotten. The 30 or so of us who survive Trump’s fourth term will remember his message as we stand on the ashes of the Amazon rain forest, eating hamburgers that came from cows raised on this barren landscape, trying to convince our little Jacobs and Ashlynns that polar bears were real.

Kidding! Elizabeth Warren would never let that happen. The class act and fellow not-sleazy-professor tweeted her thanks to Inslee and vowed to “keep fighting... to take bold action before it is too late.” I so admire her intellect and restraint. I tweeted, “Inslee not gonna winslee lol.”

More about your mom’s cool friend Liz! The senator was also in the news last week for speaking directly to the community at a Native American presidential forum in Sioux City, Iowa, and owning up to her terribly misguided DNA test that was intended to show she had Native American ancestry. She said: “I know I have made mistakes... I am sorry for the harm I have caused. I have listened and I have learned a lot, and I am grateful for the many conversations that we’ve had together.” Warren then shared an expansive plan, drafted in partnership with Native Americans, to solve some of the systemic problems caused by centuries of mistreatment. Having responsible and nuanced conversations about our own mistakes and forming meaningful plans brings me to...

This Greenland is Not Our Greenland

Donald Trump, who is our president in spite of having lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, has apparently been talking seriously (?) about buying Greenland from Denmark and has joked (?) about trading Puerto Rico for it. That’s the same Puerto Rico where thousands of Americans died in 2017 during Hurricane Maria thanks in part to the insufficient Trump administration response that followed. The place that Trump has repeatedly talked shit and lied about because he is very racist. The people of Greenland, meanwhile, were too busy worrying about their rapidly melting glaciers to engage with such idiotic Trumpian non-issues. Also, you can’t just buy countries... can you? Can we buy Greenland?

In Other Despicable Moron (and John Mayer) News

Former Texas governor, dance competition contestant, and current Secretary of Energy Rick Perry recently fell for the ancient hoax of sharing the note saying that Instagram can’t “use” his photos, which of course has all the legal merit of The Office’s Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy by yelling, “I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!”

And guess who the best drag goes to? Former boytoy of some of Hollywood’s biggest basic bitches, John Mayer! Look, I hate to celebrate him too, but his response was another one of those dumb notes... but one that said he expressly gives permission to Instagram to share whatever, including “photographs of sinks” and “woke magic tricks” and closed with, “This post I made on my phone shall stand as a legally binding document, in perpetuity throughout the universe.” Ha! Once Rick realized he’d made a boo-boo, he deleted his original post that he’d ripped off from someone else, and then ripped off Mayer’s post, but changed some of the jokes. For example, instead of the woke magic tricks, he authorized Insta to use his “pictures of dachshunds” and “proof my wife is better looking than yours,” which begs the question: Is Rick Perry’s wife a dachshund?

Good Breakup News

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have split after less than a year of marriage but after close to a decade of on-again, off-again relationshipping. Liam Hemsworth seems like a stoner-y dude who goes kiteboarding and walks around with his shirt off all the time. Miley Cyrus is more like one of those inflatable punching clowns whose partner is a peacock she met in Berlin. Their breakup makes sense to me, but more importantly: The last time the couple broke up, Cyrus released her best song ever, “Wrecking Ball.” Even though Instagram makes it look like she’s doing pretty dang well following the breakup (in that she’s vacationing in Italy with a super-hot model), I hope she’s got some anguish in there, too, and can top that banger, for the sake of my playlists.

Good Things are Possible, Part One

According to the Hollywood Reporter, Machete and Machete Kills actor Danny Trejo happened to be near a major car accident and was one of two bystanders who jumped in to help unstrap a child from his car seat, pulling him from the wreckage. Trejo humbly deflected praise, saying, “The only thing that saved that little kid was his car seat, honest to God.” And then: “Everything good that has happened to me has happened as a direct result of helping someone else. Everything.” Could we please get a cinematic recreation of this event and have it be two hours long and give it a wide release and call it Machete 3? Tagline: Machete is ready... to help!

Good Things are Possible, Part Two

A gay penguin couple at a Berlin zoo are expecting! According to zookeepers, the male penguins have been showing an interest in chick-rearing by nurturing stones as if they were eggs (*sobbing*), so zookeepers let them take over the care of an egg laid by a female penguin who had yet to successfully hatch a chick. Oh man! That’s so sad! I hope she’s okay. Reading on, I learned that zookeepers don’t even know if the egg is fertilized and there’s a good chance that these guys will spend 55 days caring for a little egg that won’t yield them their own little baby?! I really was not prepared for this good news story to leave us hanging. I will report back in October with either a baby penguin birth announcement, or a final acknowledgment that everything is terrible and I give up.

The Last Word

Geez, sorry... I feel like this column is one thousand words that could be summarized with just the upside-down smiley face emoji. Start writing, Miley—we desperately need some bangers.