123ducu / getty images, NASA, and Official White House Photo

Hi! There is a lot to cover this week so I’m going to be efficient with all of our time and make this introductory paragraph short so that we can get straight to the garbage. Let’s go!


Trash President

Now, there are a lot of ways that Trump—who, let’s not forget, lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes—is straight up the wooooooorst. Sometimes those reasons make me cry, because people are dying. But sometimes—like right now—those reasons are so deliciously petty that they actually give me more life. I glow. According to the Washington Post, Trump recently whined to Republican representatives about the Democratic presidential candidates’ recent forum on climate change. Apparently Trump hates energy efficiency because he believes that it’s the fuel-efficient modern light bulbs that make his skin look oranger than the sunset over a nuclear disaster. “People said, ‘What’s with the lightbulb?’” he said. “I said, ‘Here’s the story.’ And I looked at it, the bulb that we’re being forced to use, number one to me, most importantly, the light’s no good. I always look orange. And so do you. The light is the worst.” The audience of mostly white men then, probably, looked at their arms like Marty McFly in Back to the Future, expecting to see their beige skin fade into a Cheeto shadow, but their skin did not, because it’s not the fucking light bulbs. The Washington Post went on to drag Trump with their Pulitzer Prize-winning reporting about how nobody else thinks it’s the light bulbs, either. They interviewed Jason Kelly, the makeup artist for the 2016 Republican National Convention, who saw Trump’s skin up close: “It was like a kindergartener did it.” Trump did a better job circling Alabama with a sharpie on a weather map than putting bronzer on his own face.

The lesson here is that, if a world leader applies skin-darkening makeup to his own face, they will be called out for it, and they will look bad, and it doesn’t matter if they blame the light bulbs (Trump) or the theme of the talent show (WTF, JUSTIN TRUDEAU, we thought you were cool!). If you can’t find me for the next few days, it’s because I will be on honeymoon with this Washington Post story, which I have just married because I love it so very, very much. Congrats, WaPo: I am now your filthy-mouthed wife.


Filthy-Mouthed Wives

The president of the Society of Filthy-Mouthed Wives, of course, is Chrissy Teigen. The whole thing started when Teigen’s husband John Legend appeared on television and shared his support for criminal justice reform. Trump, who was watching TV at the time—because he always is—got butthurt that Legend didn’t kiss his ass and tried to subtweet at Teigen by referring to her as Legend’s “filthy-mouthed wife.” This is a great time for me to tell you that I think all the time about how bogus it is that extreme Mormon-ish sects and TLC reality television coined the phrase “sister wife” to sugarcoat polygamy, because “sister wife” is exactly how I’d like to describe my relationships with my soulmate women friends: my unconditionally beloved chosen family members. We should all be sister wives. And Chrissy Teigen, you are our extra-special filthy-mouthed sister wife.


Baby Celebrities and French Kissing

The celebrity gossip world has been abuzz for weeks about the paparazzi-friendly relationship between beautiful young people Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello and I’ve been scrolling past their names for weeks because I don’t feel like I’ve got space in my brain for more people’s shit right now. Then they shared the video of them kissing like it was 150 degrees out and their faces were ice cream cones that they were trying to finish before they melted and now I am obsessed. Now I have to unlearn something to make room for this information in my brain; I hope it’s the complete lyrics to the Broadway musical RENT but it will probably be my social security number. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello are either total freaks or part of some next-level performative relationshipping, and I must observe their every weird kiss until the end of time, or the end of their relationship, whichever comes first. (There is a very good chance that they will be broken up before this paper hits newsstands.)

Speaking of young people sucking face: Your favorite heartthrob most likely to be an ageless Victorian-era gigolo draped in moth-eaten silk who is four days away from dying of consumption, Timothée Chalamet, has also been spied in some really gross public tongue kissing with Lily-Rose Depp, the 20-year-old daughter of Johnny Depp, who is my generation’s goth-lite heartthrob. Ew to the excessive tongues, and EWWW to very obvious daddy issues! That said, nobody is in their Johnny Depp phase past 20, so enjoy it while it lasts, Chalamet, you beautiful child vampire.


Space Trash and MORE French Kissing

I speak for a lot of ’90s bitches when I say that a very life-changing story is that Blink-182’s Tom DeLonge shared a video that his scientific organization took of what seemed to be a UFO. And then the freaking NAVY said the video shouldn’t have been released, which is as good as them confirming that it was A REAL UFO and I FUCKING KNEW IT! This means that Blink-182’s special place in my heart will be for more than just providing the background music for a lot of French kissing in 1997.


In Local News

According to OPB, cows in Eastern Oregon have been turning up butchered with precision, fully drained of blood, sometimes with their tongues and genitalia cut clean off, with no indication of what the hell happened. Freaky! I’ll be real with you: I only skimmed this article because I didn’t want to find out that there was actually a really easy explanation for this that isn’t UFOs. Hey, Tom DeLonge: holler at Eastern Oregon.

Less mysterious is that last week, hundreds of thousands of young people all over the world, inspired by Swedish teen activist Greta Thunberg, marched in a Global Climate Strike to demand action on climate change. Here in Portland, crowds were estimated to be in the tens of thousands, because our young people are dope and smart, and if anyone’s gonna save us from ourselves, it’s gonna be them (and if it is actually possible to make energy efficient light bulbs that also make Trump look like even more of an orange ogre, they’re who I’d trust to figure it out).


The Last Word

This week we learned about some trash people, UFOs, vampires, cows, young people who kiss weird, and young people who might save the planet. We were efficient and filthy-mouthed and we’re better people for it. Good job, everyone! See you in a couple weeks!