For real you guys. Sunday is going to be loony tunes. COME JOIN US!
For real you guys. Sunday is going to be loony tunes. COME JOIN US! Photo Courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

With their notorious grit, grace, style and bite, the Portland Thorns defeated Sky Blue FC 3-1 on Sunday afternoon. POP IT, LOCK IT, AND THROW AWAY THE KEYS!

Thorns fell behind in the first half when Sky Blue FC’s rabble rouser, Tasha Kai, snuck one in past our defense. DOODY EMOJIS TIMES THREE

Thankfully the whistle sounded and the referee signaled for a Thorn’s free kick right outside the goalie box. And we all know what happens when we put Tobin Heath and Ali Long in front of the goal. SALAGADOOLA MECHIKA BOOLA! Heath landed a kick right where Ali Long could head the ball into the back of the net... PUT IT TOGETHER AND WHAT DO YOU GET? BIPPITY BOPPITY BOOM!

Then the Thorns increased their lead when… WAIT! LOOK UP THERE!
IT’S A BIRD.
No, I don’t think so.
IT’S A LOW FLYING PLANE!
Stop freaking out. That is not a plane.
IT’S... IT’S It’s Lindsay Horan with a diving header and another goal for Portland!!!
Yes, that is what it is. I can’t believe you thought that was a bird. Way to overreact, dummy.

But who can be satisfied with just two? Goals are like fresh warm cookies. One is probably enough, but two doesn’t seem like that much more and, well—you know, these are cookies—not crack cocaine or anything. HELP YOURSELF TO MORE GOALS/COOKIES! YOU WORK HARD! YOU DESERVE IT! STOP JUDGING ME!

And help themselves they did. Moments after Hayley Raso entered the game for Nadim, she WHIPPED a cross into the box and Aly Long NAE NAE’D it right into the goal.

Hayley Raso celebrates with Ali Long, while the ref winces in the face of glory.
Hayley Raso celebrates with Ali Long, while the ref winces in the face of glory. Photo Courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

SHIELD ACQUIRED
With this convincing road win, the Portland Thorns ended their 2016 season at the tippy top of the table—winning League Shield for the first time in Thorny Thorn History. Their record of 12 wins, 3 loses and 5 draws leaves the Portland Thorns finishing with a whopping 41 points! MORE LIKE FORTY FUN! PEW PEW PEW!

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF CHAMPIONSHIP
Next stop for Portland’s Ladies in Red will be here at Providence Park on Sunday for our first hometown playoff match. AWKWARD BODY ROLLS THROUGH THE OFFICE! If you want to be a part of this historical and momentous event, GET YOUR TICKETS HERE NOW!

The last home game at Providence Park sold out and there were over 21 thousand in attendance. I can only imagine how completely maniacal and fabulous fans will be.I’VE ALREADY STARTED PAINTING MY CHEST.

Thorns will battle the Western New York Flash and the winner of Sunday’s match will face off in the championship match October 9 in Houston.

Don't forget to check in with the blog after that and follow me on twitter @erinjeanius

ALSO, CAN I HAVE A RIDE TO HOUSTON?