Are you guys DTF? I'm DTF. Let's talk about Jersey Shore.


Cabs'uh heeeuh! Cab's'uh heeeuh! Tee-shyuuurt taaaiime! Every time I use one of Jersey Shore's non-starter catch phrases MTV pays me a nickel. GTL? You know what that means because of me.

Boring stuff first:
Oh hello Ron and Sammi, I forgot that I hate you. You are codependent children whose only purpose on Earth is distracting each other enough so no one else has to deal with you. There's nothing even novel or interesting about your stupid relationship. Sammi needs Ron to make decisions? That's because she has no self esteem. It's not fun to watch.

Hello Snooki's friend, Ryder. You and Snooki are slightly younger children and slightly more tolerable. I can't believe I spent at least five minutes of my life willingly watching you mix detritus from the fridge to drink with. You have a secret language? That's cute. Do you use it when you are pretending you are ponies during recess?

Hello Vinny, Pauly and Jenni. I still like you alright.

The real meat of this episode was not Snooki and Ryder prancing around nor was it various people receiving apologies poorly. It was Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino going from rakish Lothario to creepy, insecure old man in the course of a night. "I'm the leader of this group! I'm the motherfucking daddy of the house and what I say goes!" We saw Situation completely lose his shit after he couldn't find a girl to validate him for the night. First he tries to steal Vinny's (boring) dream girl - DICK MOVE! Then he watches them dance, the club light's playing off his forming wrinkles, eyes little slits of rage. Then he tries to kiss Snooki - DESPERATE! When all that fails he tries to force the housemates to follow him home. When that fails he screams. It was glorious.

The Situation's veneer of cool is so obviously manufactured that it was sweet schadenfreude to see it crack. What will Mike Sorrentino do when he loses all of his friends? Dab his eyes with hundred dollar bills and fall asleep in a prostitute? Yup, probably. *sigh*

Stray notes and quotes

I loved Ramona showing up two hours late again. A barely hanging on, barely joking Vinny: "Heeeyy! I'm going to strangle you!"

Sammi: If I were to meet him I would be like, "Hell no."
Ron: You did meet him and you made out with him.

"Hello, Palace of Love."