Welcome to the American Horror Story Chitty-Chat Club, and if you're a fan of horrifying, bloody birth scenes that possibly include lil' Baby Antichrist... you've come to the right place! Take an epidural and hit the jump for my spoiler-filled thoughts!

Is that a ghost penis in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?
  • via FX
  • "Is that a ghost penis in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?"


Okay, here's what I'm thinking!

1) So who exactly is this "Thaddeus" creepo that scared the shingles out of lil' boy Tate (and me, truth be told)? He's gotta be the "big bad"/Voldemort type who will probably rear his freaking ugly head in season two, I betcha.

2) Man, the ghosts in this house are competitive. But competing over a baby? Constance wants the baby, "the gays" want the baby, old-timey Nora wants the baby... you know who doesn't want a baby? ME! I like sleeping and wearing vomit-free clothes too much!

3) Dr. Hunky McNudebutterson (okay, fine, Ben) tries to drag dead Violet out of "the house from which no ghost can leave," and she actually makes it all the way to the car! That's pretty good... but next time see if you can make it to the corner 7-11 and pick me up some smokes.

4) Best line of the night:
Constance:"Man should not lie with man - it is an abomination."
Chad: "So is that hairdo. But I figure that's your business."
BOO to the YAH! (There's some catty-ass spirits up in this haunted hizzy.)

5) Worst plan to get rid of ghosties EVER: Burn up a $12,000 watch and yell "CROUTONS!" (C'mon... ghosts love croutons.)

6) Viv's plan to avoid giving birth to her twin antichristies in the house? Fly to Florida (with a quick sidetrip to EPCOT). Naturally, her passive-aggressive nuthouse doctor informs her that, "Well, you're gonna give birth any minute, and one of your twins is eating the other, but fine, whatever, go to Florida, have fun. Hear the weather is nice there."

7) Ben's like, "Waitasecond... where's Violet?" Nice parenting skills. So he and Viv rush back to the house, where the poop splashes the fan! The babies start clawing their way out, Constance drags Viv into the mansion, Ben suddenly sees EVERYTHING and EVERYONE he's been missing, the dead ginger twins slash his tires so they can't escape, but luckily for everybody, Dr. Charles "ether huffing/human centipede-making" Montgomery is on the case, who delivers the tykes (one stillborn, one "beautiful") with assistance from two dead creepy nurses. My mom called to say that this scene was very similar to my birth.

8) Violet learns that Tate raped her mom, and screams "GO A-WAY!" which is somewhat more effective than yelling, "CROUTON!" And shockingly enough, Viv DIES during childbirth (wha to the whaaaaaa?) and joins the rest of the gang in Hotel California (where you can check out, but never leave).

9) So what the freak is gonna happen next week in the sure to be slam-bang season finale? And what does this mean for next season? Your thoughts and croutons are welcome below! CROUTON!!

AUGGGHHH!! That really tickles.
  • via FX
  • "AUGGGHHH!! That really tickles."