Sub Prime Mortgage.
Sub Prime Mortgage. Courtesy of @bachelorABC

Learning my lesson from last week… I’ve had some wine tonight. Look, don’t judge me. There’s just a lot going on right now. Super Tuesday is tomorrow (today) and I’ve totally decided to stop giving a shit about whether Bernie or Hillary wins, because in the end I’m going to vote for either one of them and that stresses me out, because I should give more of a shit, but I don’t. I just don’t. ALSO the Trailblazers are killing it against all expectations this season (32-28), and it’s the only thing I can think about, which is impressive because I just found out my landlord just sold my super cheap apartment complex to condo developers. Now I have a few months before I have to find a similar or shittier place to live, and pay more for it. What’s that? More WINE? Sure! Oh, hey is The Bachelor on? Okay.

Check out last week’s recap here: Old Portland is dead, but I was in high school when it was alive so who gives a shit.

Episode Preview: Paradise! The final three women! I love you’s! Making out on beaches. Helicopters, waterfalls, fireworks. Ben is in love with two women! Which two? Let’s pretend to want to find out!

More after the JUMP>>>>

A helicopter touches down in Jamaica. Ben is blown away by the lush jungles, blue waters, and clean air. He thinks it could be a great place to fall in love. I think it's a great place to find buried treasure and he's wasting this opportunity by not even looking.

It’s the week of OVERNIGHTS. That means sex y’all. We have our last three contestants: Caila, JoJo, and Lauren. Ben loves how bubbly Caila is, but isn’t sure he can get through her emotional guard. He says seeing Lauren is the closest thing he’s felt to feeling love at first sight. Really? Then why did you give Olivia the first impression rose? Ben says he can’t imagine his life without Lauren in it right now. JoJo is the fun one, she brings out a new side in Ben. But JoJo’s hometown date was a rough moment with her brothers acting like dumb dicks.

Basically, at this point, it’s obvious that Lauren is the one he’ll choose in the end. I called it weeks ago. Mark my words again. I feel more confident about this than Ben does at this point.

We move on to a series of shots of the women waking up in Jamaica. They’re all wearing satin robes and looking out at the majestic waters, drinking out of coffee mugs, and expressing their fears in voiceover. Which is unfair because every time I express MY fears in voiceover they kick me out of the food court before I get my Orange Julius. Double standard.

Anyway, Ben’s first date is with Caila. And HELLO. She shows up in a bikini top and daisy dukes. Cue the cartoon wolf. They go on a rafting trip on the Martha Brae River. But right off the bat there's a lot of awkward silences. Caila says she too preoccupied thinking about how there’s two other women. She wants to tell Ben she’s in love with him, but she can’t get out of her head. Ben senses something is up. They stop the raft to get some jerk chicken at a riverside BBQ hut. Jerk Chicken is the most delicious dad-joke waiting to happen.

That night it looks like Caila has her head in the game. They sit together on the beach. Ben tells her that he was worried about her weirdness earlier in the day. Caila appreciates that he noticed (aww how sweet!). She tells him she’s scared because for the first time she realizes that the other women are in love with him too. She’s always had doubts in past relationships, but now with him, everything feels right. She tells him that she’s in love with him. Ben kisses her. String music swells. He doesn’t say anything back. Caila says he doesn’t have to say anything, she can tell how he feels by his breath. Um... that’s not a thing, unless Caila is pizza and Ben is this cat:

This cat is me. This cat is all of us.
This cat is me. This cat is all of us.

In love or not, Ben gives Caila a key to the FANTASY SUITE. Caila tells him they should take advantage of it. Sex y’all. They make-out in the ocean with fireworks above them. They go inside the suite and make out on the bed. Fireworks explode outside the bedroom window. Ben closes the door. The lights go out. Sex y’all.

The next morning Ben and Caila wake up together. Caila says last night was amazing, waking up next to him she can see herself waking up next to him every morning. Caila feels confident that she can see them growing as a couple, and it’s going to keep blooming after the final rose. Your metaphor sucks Caila, things don’t “keep blooming”—they bloom, then they die.

Now we’re on to Ben’s date with Lauren. They meet by the beach because they’re in Jamaica and apparently that’s all there is beside jungle. They get on a boat which takes them to meet some old British scientist who is going to take them to a turtle nest. I guess the scientists decided to keep baby turtles captive until they're stronger so that they have a better chance of living when they go to the ocean. Ben and Lauren put a bunch of baby turtles into buckets then tip them over on the beach and the turtles race off! It’s super adorable until we realize that those scientists tried to play god and now one day we have to fight an army of turtles. I welcome our turtle overlords, may your shells protect us.

Cower before your new masters!

After freeing our future rulers, they sit on the beach and Ben tells Lauren that he loved spending time with her family. He tells her that he started crying because her sister made him realize that she’s too good for him. Lauren says that’s how she feels about him. My friend texts me, “This is the first time in my LIFE that I’ve wanted to turn off The Bachelor because I’m nauseous.” It’s because turtles freak her out. That’s the first step in their plan.

That night Ben and Lauren go to see a reggae band. A lot of people hate reggae, but I’m not one of them. I heard that turtles love reggae. Lauren is agonizing about telling Ben that she loves him. Especially since she doesn’t know how the other relationships are going. But eventually, Lauren tells him that he is “Legitimately the man of her dreams.” Meaning that he has a rightful and legal claim to exist as a male in her mind when she sleeps.

Ben gives her the key to the FANTASY SUITE. She accepts, says this is the time to let her walls down. Then she tells Ben that she’s completely in love with him and reiterates that he’s the man of her dreams. Ben tells her that he’s known for a while that he’s in love with her, too!

My wife GASPS like she’s been underwater swimming toward the surface, but it’s taking her longer than she thought it would to reach. Seconds drag on. A minute passes. Above, light dances on the waves. She pushes herself harder, but that only uses more of her precious air—then, finally, she breaks through the ceiling of that aqueous prison. Apparently “I love you” is something the Bachelor isn’t supposed to say at this point. But then they just say it like 10 more times, so it can’t be THAT big of a deal. Ben draws the blinds. Sex y’all.

Lauren also wants to wake up with Ben for the rest of her life. Ben says last night he was finally able to get confidence in her feelings, and she was able to get confidence in his. Lauren tells him that she hopes they can have more mornings like this. He says "I love you" again. Lauren is head over heels. But Ben is wearing ugly gym shorts, so he can’t be that great.

Ben’s third and final date is with JoJo. He says his heart is with Lauren, but he has to see where things are with JoJo before he makes a decision. If he isn’t in love with her he’ll have to say goodbye. JoJo is so earnestly happy to see Ben. A helicopter lands, because, because. It takes them to some waterfalls. They’re apparently famous waterfalls, but I missed the title card because I was typing this garbage. Ben and JoJo strip down to their bathing suits and jump in.

JoJo says that there’s not a doubt in her mind that she wants her future to be with Ben and she drops the “I love you,” surprising even herself (and no one else). Ben says “JoJo, I love you too” and the LOOK on her face breaks my heart because Lauren is going to win.

Ben kisses her and it looks like he’s eating her face like a watermelon at a watermelon eating contest, or like a watermelon filled with vodka at an awesome person contest.

That night, Ben realizes that he’s told two women that he’s in love with them. OOPS! But like a true sportsman, Ben knows that tonight is about JoJo and locks that other shit away. Ben is in love with JoJo, but he wants the support of her family, so he brings up the awkwardness of the hometown date last week. JoJo defends her brothers by saying that they were just looking out for her. Good enough for Ben, he gives JoJo the key to the FANTASY SUITE, she accepts.

The suite has an indoor hot tub because, because. Ben pops a champagne bottle and JoJo catches the cork! The show doesn’t make a big deal out of this even though it's really impressive. My wife asks, “Why do they have to be in water to fall in love? They always seem to be in water.” Good question, wife... and The Bachelor, is this a dark ritual to appease our turtle masters? I hope so. I fuckin’ LOVE dark rituals AND out turtle masters. Ben draws the curtains. Sex y’all.

The next morning Ben undraws the blinds. They sit in bed eating fruit and making out. The Ben puts on a backpack and leaves like he’s going on some sort of quest. Ben wanders around, walking along pools and among trees, coves, and beaches, thinking about how he’s in love with two women—and one of them ain’t Caila.

Whoa. I must be, like, the best Bachelor of all time.
"Whoa. I must be, like, the best Bachelor of all time." Courtesy of @bachelorABC

Caila is convinced that after telling Ben she loves him that he feels the same. Oh girl. She enters his estate, giddy as can be. She sneaks up behind Ben and puts her hands over his eyes. Ben wasn’t expecting her.

Ben knows that he’s going to have to end things with her. Ben spools up the dumping engine and right away she knows what’s coming. Ben says he knew it was going to be hard, but he didn’t imagine that he would have to say goodbye to her. Caila says that sounds like a lie, but accepts it none the less. They hug goodbye and she cries into his chest, saying “I love you, I really did love you.” She gets into the car... but then decides, fuck it, I’m gonna get some answers. This is where the show would be better with guns.

She gets out of the car and asks if Ben knew that week that he was going to say goodbye to her. He tells her no, that until this week he didn’t know where everyone was at, and only when the feelings came out did he know how HE really felt. They hug goodbye again. What follows is probably five straight minutes of crying. Like, I was able to go open another box of wine, which takes a while because my fingers aren’t strong enough to punch through perforated cardboard.

ROSE CEREMONY: JoJo arrives Chris asks how the date went. She tells him that she told Ben, that she loves him and that he said it back. Then Lauren arrives, Chris asks her how her date went. She tells him that she told Ben that she loves him and that she said it back. Whoa. Deja Vu. Is that a glitch in the Matrix? No, just a shitty situation Ben got himself into.

Lauren and and JoJo talk about how weird it is that there’s only two roses. Then they realize that Caila isn’t here. What? Ben arrives, tells them that Caila is gone. Ben picks up a rose and offers it to JoJo. She accepts. He picks up the second rose and offers it to Lauren. She accepts.

Then they group hug. Ugh! So super awkward. It is best summarized by this text exchange between myself, a cis man, and my friend, also a cis man:

Everything is better summed up in emojis
Everything is better summed up in emojis LJ

It can also be summed up by this:

Ben doesn’t know how you can be in love with two women and propose to one and say goodbye to the other. He’s in self-described big trouble. "But you know what Jack Burton always says, Jack Burton–? Me. He says: what the hell."

Its all in the reflexes...
It's all in the reflexes...

Preview: Next episode is the Women Tell All episode which is basically a clips episode where all the women who got kicked off the show come back air their grievances at Ben in front of a studio audience. But the week after that is the finale: Ben is in love with two women, they get to meet his family! At the end, he’s going to purpose to one of them! Probably Lauren.