GAMA THRONES!
GAMA THRONES!

Now that’s what I’m talking about!

After a disappointingly sleepy first episode, Game of Thrones’ sixth season kicked into high gear in its second, proving that the HBO series hasn’t exploded on the launchpad since diverging from George R.R. Martin’s source books. Dragons, giants, murder, time travel, revenge, red magic, and A LOT more made last night's one of the most satisfying episodes of the entire series. Let’s break down the best and worst parts of what happened. Spoilers herein!

Whatchoo talkin bout, Willis?
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Wylis?

Bran’s back! Doing some sort of tree magic with the three-eyed raven (maybe the less they explain about this, the better), Bran found himself back at Winterfell Past, witnessing his own father and uncle spar as children. And look, it's Lyanna Stark galloping up, a character we’ve only heard spoken of, but never seen. That wasn’t even the most exciting bit—which, of course, was talking Hodor (his real name’s Wylis!), in a scene that featured some of the most gratifying fan service the show has offered to date. You will never be able to convince me that they shouldn’t have begun the new season with this sequence instead of the Castle Black hangover from Season Five; it moved the show beyond the edges of its established world in a very gratifying way, while revisiting favorite departed characters. After having Bran's story on mute for the past year, I’m ready to see more of where this is going.

BEST PART: A toss-up between talking Hodor and the knowledge that we’ll be seeing more of living legend Max von Sydow.
WORST PART: Bran reclining in the snow looks totally ridiculous. Don't they have any lawn chairs north of the Wall?

OH GOD FUCK YES.
OH GOD FUCK YES

Oh man, and things got really good at Castle Black, too. Just as things were looking grim for Davos, Ghost, and Jon Snow’s awfully handsome corpse, a giant crashes the party, quite literally, with a wildling army to set things right. We don’t get a full-on battle, but it’s more than enough.

BEST PART: While it seems crazy not to pick the bit where the giant does with a Night's Watch archer what Steinbeck's Lenny did to mice, I have to say my favorite moment was when Thorne says, “For thousands of years, the Night's Watch has held Castle Black against the wildlings,” and Tormund Giantsbane looks him square in the eyes and retorts, “Until you.”
WORST PART: That shitty little kid is still alive. Someone kill that kid, please! He is only going to get older and more dangerous. Ghost? Looking at you, dog. Go on, boy. Good boy.

• • •

Down at King’s Landing, we get the charming backstory of the guy who flashed Cersei his pecker as she walked naked through the streets. This type of rich, three-dimensional character work is what makes Game of Thrones so darn compelling. (Actually, this seemed like another bit of fan service, but it was hilarious all the same.) And before long, we get another taste of sweet revenge, when the Mountain—er, excuse me, Ser Robert Strong—interrupts a bathroom break by redefining the word “headbanger.” I hope he washed his armor. MEANWHILE, Cersei is playing with a small bit of thread, the significance of which is lost on me, unless she has Morgellons disease. That seems unlikely, so I can only assume she is going to murder someone with that bit of thread at some point. At Myrcella’s funeral, Jaime and Tommen share a moment as we discover that the citizens of Westeros put those painted rocks on corpses’ eyes to make it seem less weird that they’re dead. I submit that this has the opposite of the intended effect. We get a terrific face-off between the High Sparrow and the Kingslayer, and while it never explodes into violence, the tension is more than enough. It’s hard to deny the power of any grassroots movement.

BEST PART: A tie between Mountain smash! and Jaime taking on Bernie Sanders Sam Lowry from Brazil.
WORST PART: Tommen’s such a little mama’s boy. Actually, this part was kind of great, too. We see that Cersei gets her power from the devotion of those close to her. Tommen’s retreat back into her arms means that she’ll have a lot to draw on going forward.

Tyrion gets his birthday wish.
Tyrion gets his birthday wish.

There’s already been amazing stuff in this episode so far, but we haven't even gotten to the dragons yet! In Meereen, Tyrion is back in fine form (the wine helps). You know that guy in your hometown who thought it was a good idea to play with his dad’s gun after downing a few Busch Lights? Well, like that, but with dragons. Worried that Daenerys’ dragons grow like goldfish and won’t reach their full size in the fishbowl-dungeon they’ve been kept in, Tyrion decides to pal up with them. However, a line like “I’m friends with your mother” might not the best opening gambit. That's only one step removed from “I want you to start calling me Dad.”

BEST PART: Are you kidding? Tyrion, dragons, the whole thing.
WORST PART: Couldn’t the dragons free themselves? They have claws and teeth, and are apparently smarter than men.

• • •

In Braavos, I learned that I still find it profoundly disturbing to watch a blind girl get the shit beaten out of her. I don’t know why this upsets me so much. However, this grueling plot jumps ahead a few chapters with the return of Jaqen H’ghar, who provides poor Arya with some much deserved mercy. It sounds like she’ll get her eyesight back eventually, too!

BEST PART: Let me float a crazy theory. Could the whole Faceless Men and the House of Black and White be solely inside Arya’s fevered mind? The stick girl disappeared without a trace, and the magic that the Faceless Men possess seems incredibly powerful, almost outside the realm of possibility in the world that the books and show depict. Maybe it’s all a figment of Arya’s imagination? I don’t really believe this, but the thought has crossed my mind.
WORST PART: While I’m glad they didn’t drag it out, the test Jaqen put to Arya seemed pretty easy: Just say no, three times, and you’re good.

Those Wacky Boltons makes Oedipus Rex look like a picnic in the park.
Those Wacky Boltons! makes Oedipus Rex look like a picnic in the park.

At Winterfell, things are getting well and truly fucked. We’ve all been clamoring for the death of Roose Bolton ever since the Red Wedding, but I don’t think any of us felt good about it when we finally saw it happen. Ramsey, you are the worst! And Karstark, you seem like a real slimedick, too.

BEST PART: The knowledge that, despite rapes, dismemberments, squished skulls, and worse, there’s still one thing Game of Thrones refuses to show: a newborn and his mother being devoured by dogs.
WORST PART: ...I miss Roose Bolton? This feels weird.

• • •

Everyone’s favorite part of last week, the reunion of Sansa and Brienne, provides this episode with the only slow point. Seriously, they need to get moving.

BEST PART: The wintry backdrop feels very real. I got cold just watching this scene.
WORST PART: Ah dang, are we going to be denied the comic misadventures of Pod and Reek? That coulda been great. It would have been a super-endowed and not-endowed-at-all buddy comedy for the ages.

Pykes funerary service economy is still in a growing phase.
Pyke's funerary service economy is still in its growing phases.

After a long time away, we’re back at the Iron Islands, possibly the most miserable place in Westeros. Here comes a mysterious Greyjoy that I don’t think we’ve ever seen before? (Someone correct me if I’m wrong.) While this plot development seemed to come out of the blue, I'm totally on board with two almost-random grizzled dudes facing off in the rain hundreds of feet above the sea. And hey, maybe Pyke will get its first lady leader! Yara as HRC? (Sorry. I had to add something to counteract the Bernie dig from before.)

BEST PART: Random Greyjoy Dude spouting delightful nonsense like “I AM the Drowned God.” And: “I AM the storm.” At this rate, he'll be singing Neil Diamond songs by episode four.
WORST PART: Pyke, the stormiest place in the Seven Kingdoms, seems poorly thought out from an architectural standpoint. Something tells me its garderobes are not ADA compliant.

• • •

And Castle Black! It happened! At long last, Jon Snow finally… got a second haircut! Actually, after much to-do and fan theorizing, the Jon Snow plot is back on its rails. Less said at this point is probably better, and I think many found the way they handled it a little obvious, but to me, it felt super gratifying to watch. I guess Melisandre needed a crisis of faith in order to do her magic much in the way Thoros of Myr did.

BEST PART: As predictable as it was, I have to pick the final second of the episode, of course—even though we just watched Bobby Cannavale do the same move about six hundred times in HBO’s Vinyl, after every time he took a hit of cocaine.
WORST PART: Wow, they really milked it, though, didn’t they? Felt like basically a fake-out until the final instant. It’s hard to forget that we are collectively in the hands of professional manipulators here, in the cases of both show-runners Benioff and Weiss, and of course Mr. Martin himself. These guys, effective storytellers for sure, are not above a few occasional cheap shots. Still! Worth it.

IT LIIIIIIIVES
IT LIIIIIIIVES

FINAL SUMMATION: Yeah. This was a fantastic episode in every regard, with tremendous plot developments and multiple things designed to make longtime watchers very happy. If Season Six continues at a similar level, this could easily be the best season of Game of Thrones yet.