Sansas just like her mother--she dots her is with hearts.
"Sansa's just like her mother—she dots her i's with cute little hearts." HBO

This week’s episode of Game of Thrones disproved a number of fan theories—mainly, the ones about Arya and what is actually happening with the Faceless Men. Sometimes what we see is actually as it seems. Oh well. More importantly, the show gave us some other mysteries, like: Where’s Bran? Why are ex-slaves so lousy at telling jokes? And what on earth was Tyrion doing in a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass??

I don’t have answers to these, but there are plenty of other punchlines (AKA spoilers) ahead!

• • •

Damn it, her secret assassin mask WONT. COME. OFF.
"Damn it, her secret assassin mask WON'T. COME. OFF." HBO

Okay, okay, so it WAS Arya all along. The episode kicks off in the free city of Braavos, where all our fun conspiracy theories from last week are quickly kicked to the curb—it was indeed Arya who got stabbed by the waif, and for some reason Arya thinks the theater's laundry basket is a safe place to bleed out. Meanwhile, Lady Crane has followed the helpful acting notes Arya has given her, but she just can’t keep away from her beloved, possibly poisoned rum.
THE GOOD: Luckily for Arya, Lady Crane is also pretty good at stitching up stab wounds. And while she's a pro at tearful monologues and defacing young actresses, whipping up a decent minestrone is evidently not in her wheelhouse.
THE BAD: The worst tendencies of Hollywood’s casting-couch mentality are alive in Braavosi theater, apparently: Lady Crane gives Arya a sweet, sweet taste of milk of the poppy, then suggests she take over a role that’s basically one long nude scene. Plying a minor with drugs and sex isn’t exactly admirable, although it would be amazing to see Arya playing the part of Sansa.
THE HUH?: Hey, what IS west of Westeros? Arya, you just blew my damn mind.

• • •

Heres your sword back, Jaime. Hope you dont mind a little bit of Stannis blood.
"Here's your sword back, Jaime. Hope you don't mind a little bit of Stannis blood." HBO

Brienne and Podrick roll up on the siege in Riverrun, where we have reunions galore—most importantly, that of Jaime and Brienne. “We shouldn’t argue about politics,” Jaime says, uttering five simple words that indicate the health of their friendship. Imagine whipping that phrase out at a family dinner. So many problems solved!
THE GOOD: And Bronn and Pod are together again, too! I could watch hours of these guys. You can tell Bronn really likes the young squire—he’s actually smiling! And touching Pod's junk. In Bronn-speak, this is the equivalent of merrily singing, “You and I are the best of friends!”
THE BAD: Brienne’s mission doesn’t seem fully thought out. While her meeting with the Blackfish was fun to watch, was there really any chance this particular scheme was going to work? And wasn’t it Littlefinger who told Sansa that the Blackfish held Riverrun in the first place? Perhaps this is all part of some bigger Littlefinger plot.
THE HUH?: By assuming that Jaime would have sex with Brienne in his tent, it seems Bronn doesn’t seem to know Jaime very well at all. Surely he'd know by now that the Kingslayer only has eyes for his twin sister.

• • •

My champion is good at killing religious fanatics AND getting things from the tippy-top shelf.
"My champion is good at killing religious fanatics AND getting things from the tippy-top shelf." HBO

Speaking of Cersei, we finally get a chance to see what her champion, the Mountain, can do. (It involves separating mind from body, in a very literal sense.) In King’s Landing, Tommen Baratheon—heretoafter referred to as the "Young Life" King—calls off the possibility of Clegane Bowl… at least in terms of a trial by combat. Bummer.
THE GOOD: The "Young Life" King is finally throwing his weight around. He must really hate his mother. But why? And whose puppet is he, really—the High Sparrow’s, or Margaery’s?
THE BAD: I don’t understand the vagaries of this newfangled judicial system. So Cersei has been shamed in the streets but still has to stand trial? And Loras Tyrell gets one as well? Will he be also forced to walk the streets in the buff? And what about the hundreds—thousands—of King’s Landing citizens who have similarly trespassed against the teachings of the Seven? The Faith Militant’s system of justice seems, dare I say it, fickle and unfairly targeted on a specific, high-profile few.
THE HUH?: Qyburn has more info on some mysterious rumor Cersei told him about. I smell Wildfire!

• • •

Thank goodness youre here, milady! Do YOU know how many Dornishmen it takes to screw in a light bulb?
"Thank goodness you're here, milady! Do YOU know how many Dornishmen it takes to screw in a light bulb?" HBO

Varys leaves Meereen to go on a top secret mission to Westeros. Any guesses as to where he’s headed? I figure it’s to find either Jon or Jaime, unless news of the Iron Islands’ fleet of 1,000 ships has already reached Essos. (How long does it realistically take to build 1,000 ships? Decades, I would think.) Tyrion again tries his best to get Missandei and Grey Worm to drink, with some marginal success this time. Oh, you crazy kids. Don’t you have anything better to do than sit around inside of pyramids and stare awkwardly at each other?
THE GOOD: Phew—right on cue, war breaks out! The mean ol’ slavers of Slaver’s Bay are not keeping their word, which means trouble for Meereen in the short term. But in the long term, perhaps this is a good thing: A sizable fleet has conveniently deposited itself at Daenerys’ doorstep just as she has deposited herself at the tippy-top of the big pyramid. All she needs to do now is dispatch all the slavers without burning up their precious ships.
THE BAD: “The Imp’s Delight”? Tyrion’s imaginary vintage goes on the list of all-time terrible wine names, just after Tool singer Maynard James Keenan’s “Merkin” vineyard, and former Queensrÿche singer Geoff Tate's “Insania."
THE HUH?: Whatever stupidly-named wine you’re drinking right now, pour out a splash for Tyrone Lammisterg of Saath, who has sadly just been demoted to the rank of second most famous dwarf in the world.

• • •

Yeah. Im losing hope that your sister is coming back as Lady Stoneheart, too.
"Yeah. I'm losing hope that your sister is coming back as Lady Stoneheart, too." HBO

Back in Riverrun, Jaime decides to treat the imprisoned Lord Edmure like a human being. And what’s this? Edmure actually has some teeth, some intelligence, some semblance of character! I… think I like Edmure Tully now? Weird. He was such a jerk on The Night Manager. In a lengthy, terrifically acted tent scene, we’re reminded that this show has always positioned Jaime as one of the chief antagonists—he even paraphrases his wicked catchphrase from Episode One: “The things we do for love.” In case you’ve forgotten, Jaime's motivations are not noble or even biologically sound: He’s in it solely for the sister-lovin’.
THE GOOD: The scene in which the Blackfish informs Brienne that his Game of Thrones guest appearance expires this week was pretty great. Alas, Blackfish, we hardly knew ye. Turn in your keycard to Val at reception, and please say hello to Ian McShane and Essie Davis.
THE BAD: If you had asked me last week whether I would object to this television program including MORE extended shots of drawbridges going up and down, I would have laughed you and your castle-hating ways out of the room. And yet... here we are.
THE HUH?: Podrick Payne must be the slowest coxswain in all of Westeros. Shouldn’t they be miles downstream by now?

• • •

Just in time! You want white meat or dark?
"Just in time! You want white meat or dark?" HBO

Elsewhere in the Riverlands, the Hound is hot on the trail of Septon Ray's murderers, nearly catching one of them with his thumb up his arse. (Someone else’s arse, to be precise.) A scene of glorious revenge porn ensues. Ouch. What does it say about me that I really liked watching the Hound and his axe in action? Later, the Hound comes across an impromptu hanging party, claiming two of the hangees as his own and grabbing a fresh new pair of kicks in the bargain.
THE GOOD: Glad to see the Hound is back with the Brotherhood Without Banners. Will he embrace the ways of the Red God? Whether he does or not, it stands to reason that he’s eventually going to find his way back to either Sansa or Arya—because he’s Team Stark now, surely. The Hound is, head and shoulders, my favorite character right now. Pun intended.
THE BAD: Where can a Clegane get a good chicken drumstick around here?
THE HUH?: I don’t know if we needed to see the Hound whip out his dick and take a piss, but now that I’ve said that, I feel prudish for objecting to it. I guess we’ve all learned by now that some of Game of Thrones’ provocations are for worthy reasons. And others are because this show just likes to be a little trashy.

• • •

The
The imagery of spilt oranges signifies the fact that the show runners really wanted to reference The Godfather. HBO

The show ends in Braavos, where Lady Crane meets her untimely demise at the hands of the waif—exploding several fan theories in the process. I’m not sure why this plotline attracted so much speculation, but it’s probably because there was A TON of cool potential here, and what actually happened was relatively pedestrian. No conspiracy of face swaps, no undercover assassins, no ulterior motives—just Arya and the waif, having it out. The chase sequence through Braavos also seemed deliberate and a little plodding, but I guess we’re meant to notice how Arya lures the waif into the darkened chamber with a carefully laid trail of blood. Then Arya snicks out the candle, and it’s Needle-time for the waif.
THE GOOD: Okay, are we finally done with this whole Faceless Men side-plot? Arya’s heading back to Westeros, and although she’s got some sweet new ninja tricks up her sleeve now, this ultimately felt like a zero-sum digression intended to conveniently take Arya away from the main story.
THE BAD: To be fair, there was tons of great stuff with this whole House of Black and White thing, but urgh, it could have been so much better! Almost every fan theory I came across—that Lady Crane was secretly one of the faceless assassins; that the waif was actually Jaqen, or vice versa; that Arya’s post-stabbing jump into the canal last week was assisted by blood packs from the theater troupe; and on and on—was more exciting than what actually went down. (And so many spilt orange baskets!)
THE HUH?: “So, Jaqen, I’m not really feeling your whole Many-Faced God thing, so I’m just gonna, like, take off, okay? Oh, bee tee dubs, I’ve just sliced off the face-mask of your finest protegé and basically broken all of the sacred rites of your entire way of life. We good?"

• • •

Peace out, Braavos. You werent as cool as Syrio Forel led me to believe you were.
"Peace out, Braavos. You weren't as cool as Syrio Forel led me to believe you were." HBO

FINAL SUMMATION: Some really terrific stuff this week, particularly the scenes with the departing guest stars, the Blackfish and Lady Crane. The show has a history of pulling the rug out from us with surprising deaths of primary characters, but now it seems they’re only killing off the newer, more expendable ones. Perhaps they knew to take it easy on fans for a little while after the offing of Hodor.

Overall? Any frustration with the Arya plotline notwithstanding, I thought the political stuff in Riverrun was all pretty fascinating and didn’t proceed as I would have predicted. And I’ll happily watch The Continuing and Violent Adventures of The Hound and His Axe, Choppy any Sunday of the year. But what’s ABOUT to happen is of preoccupying interest here: Next week is the renowned "Episode Nine" slot, which in past seasons has given us such not-unimportant plot developments as “Ned Stark Loses His Head,” “The Cuyahoga River Ain't Got Nothing on Blackwater Bay,” and “Robb Stark Checks the Wrong RSVP Box for Uncle Edmure's Nuptials.” I think we’re going to get the much-talked-about battle for Winterfell, and perhaps the consolidation of a few plotlines, with Arya returning to Westeros and Daenerys’ team united at last (minus Jorah). The only real potential for boredom is with the King’s Landing/Faith Militant stuff. Maybe Cersei and her motley crew of Qyburn and Zombie Mountain can spice things up. I’m staying tuned.


Read past recaps of Game of Thrones, Season Six!
• Episode One: "The Red Woman" Is a Tale of Three Corpses
• Episode Two: "Home" Is Where I Want to Be
• Episode Three: "Oathbreaker"—So Who Farted, Anyway?
• Episode Four: "Book of the Stranger" Contained Neither Books Nor Strangers
• Episode Five: Holding "The Door" Is Such Sweet Sorrow
• Episode Six: Very Little Actual Blood in "Blood of My Blood"
• Episode Seven: "The Broken Man" Is Still Good at Chopping Stuff