--Fuel your hatred of this nasty cold weather with the deathly warm hardcore of Enemymine. The low sounds of their two bass guitars and a splaying drum kit will heat you up like three 7000-watt power plants. Bring a kerchief to wipe the sweat from your brow and the tears from your eyes. JS
Medicine Hat Gallery, 1834 NE Alberta, 778-7700, 9 pm


1SASS--Although neither of these band's latest albums are worthy of framing and mounting, energetic girl-snarl trio Bratmobile are good solid pop lovelies, The Aisler's Set, won't hesitate to get their chutzpah on live. Just admit to yourself that you are a spaz, and dance like you've got fireflies underneath your skirt. With Tennessee Twin. JS
Meow Meow, 527 SE Pine, 230-2111, 9 pm, $8

IMPROV--Potentially some of the most laughter-inducing theater around, the Brody Theater hosts weekly improv nights. Sort of like my Uncle Larry: dumb, but funny. KD
Diabolical Experiments, 1904 NW 27th Ave, 224-0688, Fri-Sat, 8 pm, $8


HORSE RACING--One of Portland's greatest secrets: Live horse racing through the winter months (you watch from the glass-encased bar). Don't know how to bet on horses? Ask any of the many regulars. They will gladly explain their science. My own pet theory: Lay your bet down on jockey Loecca Margrave. Every horse he rides is money. PB
Portland Meadows, EXIT 306B off I-5, Thurs-Sat, first race at 5:30, races until 9 pm, minimum $2 bet

TV AUCTION--Why should you kill your television when you can use its parts to make something cool? Steve MacDougall and The New Lab have done exactly that, revamping televisions in various artistic ways, and now--like a Sotheby's for the non-bourgeoisie--they're auctioning them off. Now you never have to complain about the inanity of Ally McBeal, because you never have to watch it again! JS
Peripheral Produce Abstract Media Exposition, Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 281-4215, 9 pm, $6--cover, cost of TVs--various


LET'S MAKE SANTA HOT!--Looking for a new Christmas tradition? Then put on your sexiest fishnets and shortest skirt (or fellas, slip into a stretchy tank and some leather pants), and let's make Santa HOT! Show up at Lloyd Center Mall, hop into Santa's lap, whisper what you really want for Christmas, and watch Jolly Old St. Nick get Ho Ho-Horny! WSH
Santa Claus, Lloyd Center Mall, 2201 Lloyd Center, 282-2511, Call for Santa schedule, free

MAGIC--Some restaurants have strolling violinists; the Three Square Grill has Kyle Stoneman, a wandering magician to set the mood.Don't worry: Stoneman is muchmore talented (and tasteful) than the common stock magician, who might see it fit to pull a quarter from your soup or shuffle the Queen of Hearts into your paté. Best yet, if he gets annoying, you can make him disappear. PB
Three Square, 6320 SW Capitol Hwy, 12- 2 pm (Sat 5-7pm)


METAL--Heavy bass, gritty vocals, and mean metal guitaring, Clutch is guy-rock that even a girl can love. Moshing is probable: Strap on your glasses and wear your old Vans--the ones with strong traction. KS
Roseland Theater, 8 NW 6th Ave, 9pm, $14.50


MUSIC--Rumored to be one of the best performers in hip hop today, Common will undoubtedly be a good time. He's all about mellow, kickback beats, and he uses his lazy, delicious voice to sing convincingly about--what else?--the rhythmic joys of being in love. KD
Roseland Theater, 8 NW 6th Ave, 9 pm, $16


FILM--There are only two classic films of the "world cinema" I have not seen. One is Spielberg's E.T. and the other is Kurosawa's Ran. And while I have no intention of ever seeing E.T., from what I hear, Ran is an amazing adaptation of King Lear with brilliant cinematography and kick-ass battle scenes. Why wait another second? WSH
Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st, 223-4515, 7 & 9:55, $6

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