MUSIC--OK, so everybody knows about them and cerebral indie music is kind of old news in PDX, but who cares! Quasi is still good, Janet Weiss is still one of the coolest fucking musicians in the world, and I don't care what you say. Dumb music snob. KD

Meow Meow, 527 SE Pine, 230-2111, 9 pm, $7


MUSIC--It's a lofty idea, but it could be really cool: four bands in four corners of a club all improvising at once, with the assistance of a visual aid (A film? Interpretive dancers? A monkey?). Control Groups include Hochenkeit, Bering Sea, Supersprite, and Beds. Veritable: You. I recommend wearing a black turtleneck, taking a hit of acid, and lying down in the middle of the room. Instant transformation! JS

Meow Meow, 527 SE Pine, 230-2111, 9 pm, $6, all ages

PLAY--Sick of the yuletide sweetness of The Nutcracker? Stark Raving Theater has just the antidote: The eerie atmosphere of Goblin Market. No dapper toy solders or sugar plums to set the mood here--just two grown-up sisters regressing into childhood fears (and lots of cleavage). PB
Stark Raving Theater at Theater! Theater!, 3430 SE Belmont, 232-7072(for reservations), 7:30pm, $17


RAD LADY NIGHT--Sure, you've seen punk rock bands with blood, and you've seen them with saxophones, but have you ever seen one with BOTH? Of course not! That's why you'll want to indulge in the street-tough, raucous space punk of Subtonix. As an added bonus, you'll also see Insecurious, Portland's newest Cyndi Lauper cover band! JS

w/Phantom Limbs,
Meow Meow, 527 SE Pine, 230-2111, 9 pm, $6 ($1 off if you dress up like a dragon or a troll), all ages

DEC 10

SUBURBAN HOLIDAY--Obnoxiously, the stupid holidays are here again. This year, instead of giving your friends boring speeches on the inherent evils of consumerism, you should guiltlessly surrender to full-throttle gluttony--and what better place to do it than in Beaverton! If you still feel bad (whatever!), get into the Hanukkah spirit by checking out the jazz-wielding Mazel Tov Orchestra. JS
Beaverton Mall, 3205 SW Cedar Hills Blvd, 643-6563; Mazel Tov Orchestra, Borders, 2605 SW Cedar Hills Blvd, Beaverton, 644-6164, 2 pm, free

TREE CUTTING-If you are too chicken-hearted (or environmentally sensitive) to steal the perfect Christmas tree from one of our many bountiful national forests, then try Beck's Tree Farm. They provide the saw. You bring the strong back to drag your choice tree out of the woods. PB

Beck's Tree Farm, 16700 S Gerber Rd, Oregon City, Fri-Mon

DEC 11

MUSIC--Everyone knows indie rock is great, but how many times do you call it tight? Never? Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with the world's first organized indie band. Not only are 764-HERO contributing to a seminal music movement, but they've got a clear, organized sound, focused purpose, and gorgeous, discordant harmonies. You'll love it. I promise. KD

Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 225-0047, 9 pm, $8

DEC 12

WEIRD SCIENCE--Looking for an educational freak-out? Then check out OMSI's newest exhibit, called "The Atoms Family," in which famous monsters like Frankenstein, Dracula and the Mummy teach kids all about how atoms work. Why? Because kids are too high on pot to learn and understand the basic precepts of science, and will only respond to video games, or museum employees dressed up like monsters. Hey, it works for me! I'll see you there! WSH
Oregon Museum of Science and Industry, 1945 SE Water Ave, 797-OMSI (6674), 9:30 am-7 pm, $6.50 adult, $4.50 children

DEC 13

PAR-TAY!--There's an old Portland adage that goes, "There ain't no party like a Northeast party, 'cuz a Northeast party don't stop!" And the Mercury is out to prove it by hosting our first holiday party at that Northeast standby, The Spare Room. Warm up your cockles as we welcome special musical guests The Disappearer followed by the hallowed rock n' roll stylings of Cadallaca! Yay! Christmas is saved! WSH
The Spare Room, 4830 NE 42nd Ave, 287-5800, 9pm, $10

DANCE--Elizabeth Streb is a genius. It's not dance, she says, but "pop action." Trashing the idea of narrative in favor of wild kinetics--trampolines, gyroscopic belts, jumping through plate glass windows on stage--Streb's latest number, Action Heroes, brings American icons Evil Kneivel and Cannonball Joe to stage, and imbues them with a certain grace and dignity. PB

Chiles Center, 5000 N Willamette Blvd, 242-1419, tickets available at Clinton St. Video, 8pm, $20 (tickets available at PICA Box Office, 219 NW 12th Ave