HEAVY DRINKING--Question: What is the easiest dance in the entire world? Answer: The polka! Why? Because Germans have no rhythm and are often drunk! (They're so drunk they can't even spell October correctly.) Hop twice on each foot, then switch at the Mt. Angel Oktoberfest. PB

Mt. Angel Oktoberfest, from I-5, Woodburn Exit #271, follow 214 approximately ten miles, Thurs-Sat noon-midnight, Sunday noon-8pm, free admittance; Thurs noon-6 pm, $5

NICE NICE--Nice Nice's dubby improv music is totally nice. They use nice guitars and drums, mad pedals, and sometimes, mad pots of water for percussive effect. NICE! P.S. Julianne has been quoted saying that openers The Planet The play a better live show than Trans Am. KS w/ Magic Magicians

Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 9 pm, $5


CELEB SIGHTING--Celebrate another year of Rasheed Wallace's god-like frame gracing the planet, by practicing dance moves for the Destiny's Child after-show party. You might not have enough dough to get into the VIP room, but you will definitely be in the same building! MS

Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 225-5555 ext. 8811, 10pm-3am, $30 before midnight, $40 after midnight, $50 VIP

MUSIC--Iconoclastic as any rockers who've always done exactly what they want, Mike Watt--or "Watt," as he refers to himself--is a fantastic performer, always looking sincerely joyful wherever he's playing. Tonight, it appears he might be doing some fingerpicking. There is also a small possibility he will wear a yellow slicker. JS

Dante's, 1 SW 3rd Ave, 224-4400, 9 pm, $12-14


HIPHOP--So they haven't released an album in awhile, but Black Eyed Peas are still riding the wave of their last album, which elevated them from happy-go-lucky hiphop boys to serious musicians. See them while they've still got it. KD w/ Res

Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 225-5555 ext. 8111 9 pm, $16-18

MUSIC--There are a few men in my life who I worship unconditionally. One is Edward Norton. Another is my little brother. The third is Eric Bachmann. He's only the best musician in the whole world, and he's proven it by going from early '90s, indierock, North Carolina all-star to contemporary musical genius. His passion will blow you away. KD w/ Jim White

Dante's, 1 SW 3rd Ave, 224-4400, 9 pm, $13

STREET FAIR--Crusties! Drug addicts! Upper class slummers! Only one place you can find them, and that's Alberta Street. Celebrate the wack-ass diversity of this Portland neighborhood at the annual Alberta Street Fair. Art? Yes! Food? Yes! Bands of every persuasion? Yes, yes, YES! Starbucks? Not... yet. WSH

Alberta Street Fair, between 14th and NE 31st, 11- 6pm, free


FILM--Are you a feminist who's embarrassed to admit you spend nights at home watching Pretty Woman? Jules Dassin's Never on Sunday deals with similar territory--the transformation of a prostitute into a "lady"--only it's beautifully filmed by a director blacklisted during the Red Scare, so your arthouse friends won't think you went all mainstream on them. JS

Guild Theater, SW 9th and Taylor, 7 pm, $6.50

MUSIC--Grab a tube of Clearasil and relive the glory days of junior high when your unpopular soul was saved by the quirky pop rock band They Might Be Giants. Not to mention the fact that they freaking revolutionized the use of the answering machine! MS w/ Bicycle Thief

Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 225-5555 ext. 8811, 9pm, $18-20


FILM--Director Barbet Schroeder (Barfly) is back with Our Lady of the Assassins; a beautifully bleak tale of a cynical writer and his young gay lover who explore the violent streets of Medellin, Colombia. Based on Fernando Vallejo's autobiographical novel, Our Lady is a frank portrayal of society swirling down the toilet. WSH

Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st, 223-4515, 7 & 9:10 pm, $6


VIRGO--Whooo! If you ain't a Virgo, you ain't shit! But even if you are shit (or a Virgo), it will behoove you to attend the Virgo Birthday Bash at Berbati's. Celebrate the evening with fellow Virgoian musicians Frank Furter and the Hot Dogs, the Cyndi Lauper cover band Insecurious, and DJ's Bicolage Selector and Chuckasaurus! WSH

Berbati's, 231 SW Ankeny, 248-4579, 9 pm, $3


MUSIC--In the mood for some straightforward rock? Burning Airlines make the guitar scream like they're playing metal, but keep the proceedings chill with their slow pace and super defined lyrics. KS w/ Rival Schools, Actionslacks

Meow Meow, 527 SE Pine, 230-2111, 9 pm, $10-12

READING--Even if you're not there to collect your fatwa, there are still compelling reasons to listen to Salman Rushdie talk about his eighth novel, Fury--a brisk and giddy romp through the money-washed streets of London that follows a doll inventor as he deals with, what else, culture clashes. PB

First Congregational Church, 1126 SW Park Ave, 7:30 pm, free