ROSE FEST--Whoopee! It's time to once again wander down to Waterfront Park to watch the Gresham rednecks in their natural habitat--the opening of the Rose Festival! Corn dogs, rides, fireworks, overweight people in white stretch pants... it all starts tonight! God, we love this time of year! WSH Tom McCall Waterfront Park, gates open at 5 pm, bring an assload of money

READING--So you think you've got emotional baggage from living with your parent(s)? Betcha your adolescence didn't feature daddy's transgendering process, like Noelle Howey's. Dress Codes is her personal account of a lifestyle that usually gets warped in the media. MS Annie Bloom's Books, 7834 SW Capitol Hwy, 246-0053, 7:30pm, free

MUSIC--If I hear you bitching about rock's homogeneity after skipping this show, I will personally stab you in the eye. The Reverend Glasseye mixes up everything from Weimar cabaret to buckwheat country. Oh, AND rollergirls, puppets, and peep shows. Boom! Pow! MS w/ The Dolomites, Midnite Choir, T-Minus; Satyricon, 125 NW 6th Ave, 243-2380, 9 pm, $7


LIVING LEGEND--Despite his popular image of rising from the hard-scrambled dust of Texas, Willie Nelson actually launched his career in Vancouver, Washington, where he spent a year as a DJ! Tonight, a dozen local artists from Little Sue to James Low play tribute to our (quasi) native son. Sure he found fame elsewhere, but I'm sure that his one year in Vancouver taught the hippie-western star more about misery than decades in Texas. PB Fez Ballroom, 316 SW 11th, 224-4400, 9:30 pm, $10

MUSIC--As if you didn't already love them enough, wait until you see tonight's pants-pissing equation: Quasi = Sam Coomes + Janet Weiss + SARA LUND + ASH mothahumpin' BOWIE. Double drumming AND the king of Polvo/Helium/Libraness? HOLY CRIPES!!! Get me some disposable underwear! JS w/Glass Candy, Holy Sons; Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 9 pm, $10


MUSIC--There's nothing I love more than a good, tortured girl voice to give me goosebumps and help me daydream about the future. If you share this love, Mirah will do it to you like no other. Plus, a show at the VFW Hall, what the... KD w/ The Blow, C.O.C.O, Calvin Johsnon; VFW Hall, 9th Ave SE and Mill, 8 pm, $6

THE MOST FUN EVER--Even if you hate drag, you'll love Pho Bang, a punk rock cabaret hosted by Ursula Android and Jackie Hell. Or as Ursula describes it, "It's like a drag version of Laurel and Hardy. Jackie and I smash bottles over each other's head, and throughout the evening somebody in a chicken suit is gonna molest somebody." Also The Epoxies will play. What else can you possibly ask for? WSH
Berbati's Pan, 10 SW 3rd Ave, 248-4579, 9 pm, $5


POP--It gets tiring always volunteering at Meals on Wheels, composing operas, and making heart healthy dinners for friends; you owe yourself a little fun for once. So go see the '60s style pop music of Elf Power. They manage to be cute and smart rather than trippy and hippie. KS Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 9 pm, $8

ACROBATICS--Learn to fly through the air with the greatest of ease... that's right: Portland is now offering trapeze lessons! A personal injury attorney's nightmare; an aspiring Cirque de Soleil performer's dream-come-true-- catch Shayna Swanson before she leaves for circus school in England; she teaches weekly lessons in the park. PB
Sunnyside Park (SE 34th and Yamhill), 234-7054 for more info, 2 pm (sharp!), $10-20


BATHROOM ART--I always feel a little anxiety-ridden when I look at art in galleries. I almost had a meltdown at the SF MoMA while admiring the Magritte exhibit with about 4,000 other human cattle. Ugh. Now, with a slight beer buzz, I can pontificate on local masterpieces of Portland artists Ian Lynam, whose work hangs in Basement Pub bathroom, Ahren Lutz at the Matador, or Pearl Dick at Saucebox... all while I calmly sit on the can. Hurrah! KS
Check out for a complete list of artists and venues participating in the Red 76's Art/Stall


FILM--Fairy tale creepiness spills all over Jan Svankmajer's comedy/horror Little Otik, in which a barren couple convinces itself that a tree stump is actually a living, breathing child. Guest appearance by the funniest pedophiliac you've ever seen. JS
Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st, 223-4515, 8:45, $6


LIVE RADIO BROADCAST--The coolest lady in hiphop, known as Deena B., happens to reside here in our very own town! She will be hosting an insane hiphop extravaganza at Berbati's, which will also be broadcast live on KBOO (90.7). Watch and hear people like Cool Nutz, Toni Hill, Syndel and more! You can bring your headphones and hear it both live and on the radio! KD
Berbati's Pan, 231 SW Ankeny, 248-4579, 9 pm, $5-7