FREE AIDS TEST--There's nothing more annoying than a coworker who sits around worrying about having HIV, but is too much of a big fat chicken to get tested. Well, Wm. Steven Humphrey, now's your chance. Either get tested today, when it's FREE, OR NEVER, EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT IT AGAIN! KD Northeast Portland Center, 3531 NE 15th, Suite B, 288-8826; Southeast Portland Center 3231 SE 50th, 775-0861. For other locations, call 1-800-230-PLAN.

THEATER--Everyone loves Wales! Which means no one should miss Swansea-born, lyrical poet Dylan Thomas' little-known, single, dramatic work about the secret depravities and public heartaches of the citizens of a Welsh sea town. JWS
Dead Poet Drama, Under Milk Wood, Ironclad Productions, at the Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 275-8352, 8 pm, $10-12

FRIDAY, June 28

METAL--Ask me what my favorite bands ever are, and I'll definitely say, "Oh my God, The Fucking Champs," and then I'll say a bunch of other bands, but regardless, The Champs are just that; the Fucking total Champs of tight-ass instrumetal. When they come to town, the sun shines brighter, PBR tastes less flat, and my love burns like a fucking Colorado forest fire. Metal forever. KS w/Last of the Juanitas, Pleaseeasaur, Drunk Horse; Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 9 pm, $10

LATE NIGHT FUN--Calling all lovers of movies and alcohol! Come on down for the Mercury Summer Movie Megathon (eight weeks of campy flicks), debuting tonight with Wes Anderson's cult-fave, Bottle Rocket, in which Owen and Luke Wilson star as down-on-their luck crooks looking for their next big score. And since it's a Mercury event, you're perfectly welcome to drink brew, yell at the screen, and make-out. WSH Guild Theater, 829 SW 9th Ave, 221-1156, 11 pm, $5


ZIGZAG--Who's DJ Zigzag, you ask? Only the funkiest, freshest, dancetastiest DJ in town. Even if you're not a big scratchy/spinny geek, Zag will knock your socks off. Plus, his new album is called Platinum Shit Balls, and giving your album such an outrageous title takes some serious--yes--balls. KD
w/The Mighty Juggernaut; Berbati's, 231 SW Ankeny, 248-4579, 9 pm, $10

HOT CHICKS BOXING--Hell hath no fury like a woman's boxing match. Or wait, is that heaven? In this corner, a hottie hot punk chick from And, what's that, in this corner another hottie goth chick? Between bouts, Spread Eagle and the rambunctious AC/DC cover band Hell's Belles tear it up! PB Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 224-TIXX, 8 pm, $12

SUNDAY, June 30

STREET BALL--If you're a fan of street basketball, don't miss this opportunity to see Portland's finest going head to head in the NBA Hoop It Up championship. In this three-on-three competition, local teams battle on a multitude of half-courts set up at the Expo Center. The winners go on to the nationals and world finals! WSH
Expo Center, on I-5, take Exit 306B, Upper Parking Lot, Area 1, 736-5200, 9 am-4 pm, free (parking $5)

ANNIVERSARY--Can you believe the Blackbird has been around for a whole year? No, I can't either. They're definitely lying. Trying to look cool, you know. But hey, if those Blackbird folk aren't above bending the truth, who are we to act superior merely because we're honest and decent? Anyway, who cares, it's a good excuse to party. Plus, it's Turn Me Loose's last show. Teardrop. KS w/Made for TV Movie; Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 9 pm, free

MONDAY, July 1

READING--Jonathan Ames feels it's necessary to share with us when he's masturbating, when he's womanizing, and when he's thinking other, extremely inappropriate thoughts. Hear all about them when he reads from his dirty book My Less Than Secret Life. Go on, be curious. KD
Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30, free


PUNK RAWK--You can't help but respect Pretty Girls Make Graves for breathing life back in the stagnant genre of pop-punk. With an ex-member list that reads like an indierock Hall of Fame, the Pretty Girls (made up almost entirely of boys) make punk rock fun again. There's frantic guitars, a pounding rhythm section, and nervous energy vocals. So all that's missing is you... doing the pogo in the front row. CM w/Blood Brothers, Fit and the Tantrums; Meow Meow, 527 SE Pine, 230-2111, 9 pm, $6


RODEO--Sure, they have the standard bareback and bucking bronco, but this year, St. Paul Rodeo adds a wild horse race (cowboys strap a saddle onto a mean, free-spirited horse, and ride it across the finish line) and wild cow milking (you figure that one out). Plus fireworks!! PB
St. Paul Rodeo, west off I-5 Donald Exit, 633-2011, 7:30 pm, $12-16

MUSIC--Intellectualized homing signals are being sent out in ground-level shockwaves, preparing the minions for the approach of the Electronic Philosopher King, Momus. The patched-of-eye Scott has a knack for maintaining brainiac experimentalism and controversy in the face of widespread adoration. MS
w/Phiiliip, Super Madrigal Brothers, Rroland, & The Gongs; Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 9 pm, $8

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