THURSDAY, october 10

READING--Just hearing those sexy Scottish accents in my head makes me crazy... but even more thrilling is having your own personal Scotsman to read you Irvine Welsh's debaucherous stories aloud. (Yeah, not to brag, but my Scotsman has a six pack!) Or hey, if you're not so lucky, you could listen to Irvine himself do it at Powell's. Just don't get caught with your hand down your pants. KS
Powell's, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm, free

FRIDAY, october 11

POP--Is there anything better than a Beach Boys-influenced Welsh pop band? You might think yes, there is, but that's because you haven't yet heard the Super Furry Animals, aka, the cutest-named band in the world. Or maybe you HAVE already heard them, and you don't need to be wasting your time reading, because you already know their fuzzy electronica/wacky synth guitar jam-out is a lot of fun. Plus, they sing in Welsh, the weirdest language known to man! JWS w/ Four Tet (Kieran Hebden of Fridge); Berbati's Pan, 231 SW Ankeny, 224-TIXX, 9 pm, $14

MUSIC--Though you may know every single lyric of "Kiss Off" (including the section where they scream, "I take one, one, one 'cause you left me/And two, two, two for my family" etc.) there's a whole dumptruck of Violent Femmes songs you've never heard, and will surely enjoy. Learn to love the Femmes all over again. (Now if I can only remember what "eight" is for... ) WSH

Roseland Theater, 8 NW 6th, 224-TIXX, 8 pm, $20

SATURDAY, october 12

THEATER--Lovers of pulp rejoice! The brand new theater company, Sardonis, has brought to the stage three one-acts that wallow in the pulp tradition: The Carnie; Conspiracy of Dreams; and Anchorwoman. Each one written by seasoned pulp writers, each one wallowing in a deep, dark pool of hit men, trench coats, gunfire, and foxy ladeez. It's like a Quentin Tarantino flick, live! JWS

Sardonis Productions at Disjecta, 116 NE Russell St, 701-3139, 8 pm, $10

GARAGE-POP MUSIC--For those who still bemoan that the Pet Shop Boys faded into obscurity, Imperial Teen will fit you like a warm glove. Perhaps the only band to become more poppy and wry, and to lose their darker impulses after being let go from their major label. PB w/Inner; Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 9 pm

SUNDAY, october 13

DOGS--At the last dog show in town, one of our readers (alerted by our announcement) stopped by a booth set up by a local animal shelter. There, she fell in love with one of God's cuddly (and slobbering) little creatures. On the spot, she adopted the dog! What can we say? Saving the world, one dog at a time! PB

Expo Center, Exit 306 B off I-5, 736-5200, 8 am, $5

RAP THE VOTE TOUR--With assloads of Queens-style funk and beats tighter than a Frenchy circus, if the Beatnuts' banging hiphop party can't tempt us all to the voting booths, then democracy is seriously fucked. JS w/Non Phixion, Libretto, Anaxagorous, DJ JB; B Complex, 320 SE 2nd, 224-TIXX, 9 pm, $15, all ages

MONDAY, october 14

BAND--Rising from the smoldering ashes of those mathcore nerds, Botch, Seattle's Minus the Bear will blow your mind by sounding NOTHING like their previous band. The baffling technical brutality that was Botch has been replaced by dazzling production, ridiculous song titles ("I Lost All My Money at The Cockfights" or "Hey, Wanna Throw Up? Get Me Naked") and enough syrupy pop hooks to drown us all. CM w/Desert City Soundtrack, Science of Yabra; Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 9 pm

TUESDAY, october 15

MUSIC--Imagine being in Dinosaur Jr., Sebadoh, Folk Implosion and a movie, and still being plagued by severe anxiety. Dude, will somebody please tell Lou Barlow that a lot of people really like him? He's all alone tonight, so show some love. MS w/Earlimart & Alaska; Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 10 pm, $12

DANCE--The Janet Pants Dans Theeatre (yes, that's how they actually spell it) takes dance out of the stuffy confines of the theater and plops it onstage in music clubs, where their hyperkinetic style mixed with humor blends delightfully with scratchy-ass rock 'n' roll. But don't underestimate them! These gals are pros, and are doing their part to bring legitimate dance to the peeps. WSH w/The Intima, Sleetmute, Mark Buden, DJ Rob Upright; Disjecta, 116 NE Russell, 335-6979, 9 pm, $4

WEDNESDAY, october 16

GREAT MUSIC--Dance it off and sweat it out with the futuristic electro-rock of Enon; the melodic and technically mind-blowing instrumental cavalcade of Hella, the punk-ariffic harmonies of the Party of Helicopters, and the drum-sax-vocal action of Ten Grand. Four bands... one love. Beautiful. JS

Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 9 pm, $8

FILM--Sick of your wife, but don't feel like getting a divorce? Lonely and tired of playing with yourself, but unable to find anyone worthwhile to bone? Torn between spending time with your brilliant girlfriend and writing your brilliant screenplay? See The Last Kiss. I'm not saying you'll come to any epiphany, but watching this bunch of guys trying to figure out their love lives makes you realize how ordinary yours is. KS

Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st, 223-4515, 7 & 9:15 pm, $6