THURSDAY, december 19

MAKE-OUT MUSIC--Seeing Cocaine Unicorn live is like snorting a bunch of your little brother's Ritalin, then sneaking into the bathroom at your junior prom with a bottle of whiskey and your 25-year-old date. Their big riffs, party-weary lyrics, and fearless use of the tambourine will make you feel like the hot troublemaker you really are. AB
w/Lions, Odditors; Berbati's, 231 SW Ankeny, 248-4579, 9:30 pm, $5

FRIDAY, december 20

COMIX--Local underground comics expert Patrick Rosenkranz will read from his new book, Rebel Visions: The Underground Comix Revolution 1963-1975, explaining the unique history that made comics blow up. A one-day-only art exhibit will accompany the reading, featuring work from comic greats such as R. Crumb, Rick Griffin, Robert Williams, and many more. KS
Counter Media, 927 SW Oak, 226-8141, 7 pm, free

TALENTED LADY--Co-creator of the insane House of Cunt comedy troupe and performance artist master Amber Smith is back with an original one-woman musical extravaganza: Hi! Smith has a rock star presence, an amazing gift for mimicking the personalities and styles of famous musicians, and some damn strong vocal chops. She's also hella funny to boot. JWS
Stark Raving at Coho Theatre, 2257 NW Raleigh, 232-7072, Fri-Sat 10:30 pm, $12

NEW CLUB--Just what we need: a fresh bar/venue to adopt into our citywide gridiron of watering holes and spaces (and in North Portland). Vendetta is letting us peek at her ankles with a preview party featuring Gruesome Galore and The Strand. Get there first to start wearing your ass print in on the new dig's bar stools. MS
Vendetta, 3957 N Mississippi, 10 pm, $5

SATURDAY, december 21

TOYS--Everyone's getting mushy-hearted and kind, instead of being crotchety assholes like normal. It feels so darn good to give, so rally local clothing line Sameunderneath as they wrap up their Toy Drive with Quivah, Madgesdiq, and Destro. God love philanthropic ass-grinding and songs about smoking grass! MS
Ash Street, 225 SW Ash, 226-0430, 9:30 pm, $7 (free w/unwrapped toy, gift)

HAVE YOU NO LOYALTY?--Jerks who get all haughty about our Trailblazers being troublemakers can go eat a dick. Except for that creep who beat up his wife, I'll defend PDX's only NBA team to the very end. And if they lose to the stupid Sonics tonight, at least we'll take comfort in the knowledge that afterwards, they can smoke those Seattle wusses under the table. JS
Rose Garden Arena, 1 Center Ct., 224-4400, 7 pm, $10-162

SUNDAY, december 22

MUSIC--Wet Confetti may be a tad over dramatic, but their dark, gothy, langorous tunes will fit your holiday depression perfectly. And if they don't float your boat, try out the guitar rock of Avenue of the Strongest. KS
w/Eyes of Autumn; Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 10 pm, $6

MONDAY, december 23

ROMAN GLADIATOR--With trademark bizarre touches from director Stanley Kubrick, and starring the great Kirk Douglas, Spartacus tells the thrilling story of a Roman slave's transformation into a famous gladiator. It's one of the coolest historical epics ever--way better than the disgustingly overrated Gladiator--and it's rarely shown on the big screen anymore, so catch it while you can! JWS
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 281-4215, call for showtimes, $3 (!!)

TUESDAY, december 24

NIGHT TOOBIN'--Snow Toobin' is the greatest snow sport because it requires no skill! A monkey could do it. All you need are hands to grab hold of the toob. Sit in the donut-shaped toob and bang, bounce, and whoosh down Government Camp's plethora of wicked hills. No lessons required! PB
Summit Ski Area, (888) 622-4822, "downtown" Government Camp (54 miles east from Portland on Hwy 26), purchase toobs at Les Schwab for $2 and up!

WEDNESDAY, december 25

ZACK ATTACK!--Even though Legolas is not, in fact, played by Saved by the Bell's Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers is still one of the grandest, most spectacular cinematic feats of our time. And finally, Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn has knocked Charlton Heston from his throne as the "perfect movie hero for Christian holidays." Let us launch a new D&D campaign in celebration. JS See Film pg 33
See Film Times pg 39 for Showtimes, Theaters

BOOZE--Doesn't the world seem barren and lonely on the holidays? Yeah, it sure does. And doesn't life seem pointless when you're a) all alone with not even a single present or b) with a bunch of stupid relatives and in front of a pile of retarded presents? Uh-huh. I know. But listen up: no matter how unbearable the holidays may feel, suicide isn't the solution. Booze is. The Bonfire Lounge is open, go have a drink. KS
Bonfire Lounge, 2821 SE Stark, 232-3704, Opens at 8 pm