THURSDAY, august 28

SYMPHONY--Drop by Waterfront Park this fine evening for the Oregon Symphony's free performance of Tchaikovsky's rousing 1812 Overture. It's going to feature fireworks and real cannons because, really, what's classical music without a bunch of stuff gettin' blown up? JWS

McCall Waterfront Park, 7 pm, FREE

ROCK FILM--A groundbreaking rock 'n' roller in 1956, Wanda Jackson shamed the doo-wopping and white-gloved chorus- line honeys with her growling blend of country, rockabilly and gospel. Tonight local documentary maker Beth Harrington screens Welcome to the Club, her Grammy-nominated film about Jackson (who, by the way, will be there, too!) PB

Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 281-4215, 7 pm, suggested donation $20

FRIDAY, august 29

MUSIC--Wanna hear rare records mashed to their most intelligent conclusion? Popular tracks cranked up to speedy techno? Funky, dubby guitar-drum jams that transcend expectation? It's about magic: DJ Rupture, Kid606, Dwayne Sodabherk and Nice Nice. JS

Tigerbeat6 Tour; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 239-7639, 9:30 pm, $10-$12

STATE FAIR--Sure, state fairs mean rickety ferris wheels and plump blue ribbon sows, but more than anything they mean: FREAKS! Today the Center Stage hosts three different hypnotist shows and two time slots for jugglers with knives, torches and chain saws. PB

State Fair Grounds, Northeast Salem, off Sunnyview Road, 947-3247, noon-11 pm, through Sunday, $2-8

SIXTEEN CANDLES--GONGGGGGG! That sound can only mean one thing: Here comes Long Duck Dong! Join Long Duck, Michael Anthony Hall and Molly Ringwald in the hilariously racist, yet poignant Sixteen Candles! This is a Mercury Summer Movie Megathon presentation, which means $2 PBR and lots of heckling. "What'sa happenin', hotstuff?" WSH

Guild Theater, 829 SW 9th, 221-1156, 10 pm, $6

SATURDAY, august 30

HIPHOP BENEFIT--The Wobblies, or the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW), is a radical union that has always utilized music. In the early days, the group passed out songbooks with their union cards. Now they hold hiphop benefits with the likes of rappers Madgesdiq, Siren's Echo, and Womb Dialectic. There probably won't be songbooks, but there'll be fresh flows aplenty. SL

Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 239-7639, 9 pm, $8

LAST BLACKBIRD SHOW--After tonight, you'll never again be able to paint your tag or have quickie sex in the Blackbird green room. Sad, yes; but at least they didn't close before the Deerhoof show! (Deerhoof being the chirpiest and best guitar-based band ALIVE.) JS See Music pg 17

w/Lil' Pocketknife, The Planet The, Degenerate Art Ensemble; Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy, 282-9949, 9:30 pm, $8

SUNDAY, august 31

CRAZY BIKENESS--Turn that didgeridoo into a polo mallet, hippie, and join the swarming masses of cyclists for an end-of-summer bike picnic and, of course, polo game. (Iron, steel and titanium horses only!) PB

Alberta Park, NE Killingsworth at 20th, , 2 pm-9 pm

PUNK POP--Don't be fooled by the other lame ducks on this bill! Junior Senior is totally worth any suffering you may endure. They have THE danciest fun-time punk pop album of the year, and this gay/straight Dane Duo's live show is guaranteed to blow your mind and rub your loins. WSH

W/ Ginuwine, Kelly Clarkson, more; Last Chance Summer Dance, Waterfront Park, 11 am, $17,

MONDAY, september 1

CRITTER FEST--One of the highlights of my life occurred a few weeks ago when I got to hold a rosy boa constrictor for 15 MINUTES! And, on this very special Labor Day, I'm going to do it again at OMSI's Reptile and Amphibian show! Dozens of scaly critters will be on hand for some supervised handling, and over 150 more cold-blooded frogs, lizards, geckos, snakes, and turtles will be on exhibit. It's sure to be squirm-alicious! JWS

OMSI, 1945 SE Water Ave., 797-4588, 9:30 am - 7 pm, $8.50

TUESDAY, september 2

9/11--The Twin Towers are played. But the 911: Where Are We Now: A Middle Eastern Perspective is a film festival documenting what you can't find out from a preening telly-vision "news personality." Of notable inclusion is In The Shadow of Bin Laden, by local documentarians. MS

Clinton St Theater, 2522 SE Clinton, 238-8899, thru Thursday, 8 pm, $6

WEDNESDAY, september 3

FILM--Fans of hee-larious Brit comedian Eddie Izzard will not want to miss the 1st Annual Eddie Izzard Film Retrospective. This wacked-out double feature includes Todd Haynes' Velvet Goldmine, as well as the premiere of Alex Cox' Revenger's Tragedy. PLUS! Haynes and Cox will be on hand to introduce their films, along with the star of the evening, Eddie Izzard himself! Even better? The proceeds benefit Project Quest, an HIV relief program. WSH

Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan, 225-5555 x8832, 5:30, 8, 10:30, $5-$10 donation

CROQUET--If you've never experienced the bourgeois mind-fucking pastime that is croquet, here you are. The 7th Annual International Croquet Invitational boasts mallet-wielders from all over the world in a giant, white-clad tournament. Don't worry, The Class War will still be waiting for you. MS

Resort at The Mountain Croquet Courts, 68010 East Fairway in Welches, 622-3101, through September 7, matches begin at 8 am, free