THURSDAY, January 8

COMEDY--If you ask me, stand-up comics are the modern-day equivalent to mimes, but there are always exceptions to the rule. And no one is more exceptional than comedian Chris Rock. This fast-talking juggernaut skewers the truth on a myriad of levels, and tops it all off with a pant-load of political relevance. Plus, he has a funny voice. You do it better? Step up and try. WSH
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 224-4400, 7 pm, advance tickets $55, $45.50, $38.50

FRIDAY, January 9

MAYOR PHIL BUSSE--I can tell you firsthand that P to tha motherfucking B is a tactless political hack, making him the ideal candidate. Plus, tonight's "Me For Mayor" kickoff party will feature one of his many confessions. (Not the one about impregnating your black maid again, Phil!) MS
w/Reclinerland, DJs NoBabyMom & Hot Air Balloon; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 239-7639, 8 pm, $10 donation (no one turned away)

DEEP HOUSE--There's something about a Miguel Migs mix. The SF producer/DJ has a knack for the deepest of the deep vocal house, flavoring it with subdued hints of funk and soul with diva Lisa Shaw. It makes for a sensual dance floor, but casually so. No pressure. You're sexy. It's cool. Don't sweat it JS
Ohm, 31 NW 1st, 223-9919

SATURDAY, January 10

CUSTOM CYCLE SHOW--To check out the latest styles and trends in artistic hogs, don't miss the Easyriders Bike Show Tour, featuring wall-to-wall choppers, trade booths, music, and the one element no self-respecting motorcycle show should be without: HOT SCANTILY CLAD CHICKS. WSH
Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE MLK, 235-7575, Noon to 11 pm, $7-15

TONY MONTANA--Oh, boy! The Clinton Street has really outdone themselves with a brand new 35MM print of the hilariously violent Brian DePalma classic, Scarface. Join Tony Montana on his journey from poor Cuban refugee to top drug lord passed out in a pile of blow. He'll stomp you like a bunch of cock-a-roaches! (Plus a mantinee screening of Sonny Chiba's Street Fighter and Return of the Streetfighter.) WSH
Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton, Scarface, 7 & 10:15 nightly, $6, Street Fighter and Return of the Streetfighter, Sat & Sun, 2 & 4 pm, $4 for one or $6 for both

MUSIC--Don't begrudge the singer his Vanilla Ice mullet. Or maybe do, but don't hold his rock band Ima Robot accountable--they kicked out the candied, spastic jam "Dynomite." The rest of their repertoire will be fun for a night. JS
Nocturnal, 1800 E Burnside, 239-5900, 8 pm, $8, all ages

SUNDAY, January 11

ELVIS LIVES--Recently, a San Francisco newspaper predicted that if the Elvis impersonator trend continues, by the year 2015 one out of seven Americans would be Elvis! Don't believe it? Stop by "The Night of the Living Elvis" on The King's birthday, at which a slew of time-tested impersonators will get all shook up, including Las Vegas' own Transelvistite! PB
White Eagle, 836 N Russell, 282-6810, 8 pm, $7

MOVIE BUFFET--DV8 is putting the chow in your Chow Yun Fat this weekend with a combination Hong Kong Theater and Chinese Buffet. This is all part of the Sinister Cinema series, and features two great chop-socky flicks; John Woo's beautifully violent Hard Boiled starring Chow Yun Fat, and Black Cat, the Hong Kong version of La Femme Nikita. You dammmn right! WSH
DV8, 5021 SE Powell, 772-2907, Doors at 7, Buffet starts at 7:30, free

MONDAY, January 12

THE TRUTH--There's no beating around the "Bush" for Christopher and Robert Scheer. Their new book The Five Biggest Lies Bush Told About Iraq is a straight-up accusation that deftly incorporates dozens of media sources to argue that "every major assertion that our government put forward to justify the conquest of Iraq has proved false." Come see them tonight. Get angry. JWS
Powell's on Hawthorne, 3723 SE Hawthorne, 7:30 pm, free

TUESDAY, January 13

GIRLS' BASKETBALL--Forget the crybaby, dope-smoking Blazers; the best basketball in town is being played by high school girls! With a recent soul-crushing 72-19 victory, the Jefferson girls are ruthless. They have clawed their way into the state's top ten and are favorites for the state championship. Tonight watch them steamroll the Marshall High Minutemen. PB
Marshall High School, 3905 SE 91st, tip off at 7:45 pm

WEDNESDAY, January 14

WORDSMITH--The most popular living poet alive is, without a doubt, Billy Collins. In addition to being the onetime Poet Laureate, he publishes anthologies that (gasp!) actually make a profit! Collins' incredibly accessible, often hilarious works have earned him a massive cult following, and his appearances now command arena-sized crowds. Get in line now to see a true rock star of the literary world. JWS
Schnitzer Hall, SW Broadway & Main, 227-2583, 7:30 pm, $15-24

ORAC SHOWCASE--Check out something a little more interesting than your run-of-the-mill rock and roll show tonight, with electronic sounds from Seattle label Orac, including Caro, AKA the label's creator/curator, who allegedly "shreds." You'll never know until you try it. MS
w/Bruno Pronsato, Solenoid, & Strategy; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 239-7639, 9 pm, $5