LOW DOUGH SHOW--The fun, cheap Mercury/Thrasher "Low Dough Shows" at Dante's continue this week with Supersuckers' alumnus Eddie Spaghetti--a very entertaining guy busting out old-schooly C&W rockabilly funk. Plus, the moon-howlin', shit-kickin' harmonics of I Can Lick Any SOB In the House and Moonshine Hangover! That's a lot of Yeee-HAW for only five bucks! WSH
Dante's, 1 SW 3rd Ave, 10 pm, $5


YIPPIE-KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER--Face it: It's A Wonderful Life is sooooo played. What's not played, however, is the greatest X-mas movie of all time: the original Die Hard! SEE enormous explosions! WATCH ultimate badass Bruce Willis take down German terrorists! WINCE as he does it all with bare feet! It might even make you forget that you have to hang out with your family tomorrow. EH
Clinton St. Theater, 2522 SE Clinton, 4 & 7 pm, $6

X-MAS LOVE--You should really be with your family tonight--your Tube family!! Sip your PBRtini at the happenin' downtown bar, while Uncle DJ Maximillion throws down his eclectic, crowd-pleasing tracks. MS
Tube, 18 NW 3rd, 10 pm, free


CHRISTMAS AT THE BAR--Some people may think that spending Christmas in a bar is sad, and here is proof they're wrong: Porky's is not only open this Saturday, but serving a free Christmas feast with super-cheap drinks, board games, and DJs! MS
Porky's, 835 N Lombard, 5 pm, free

THE CLASH--Christmas is about family and togetherness, but now it's noon and you've got nothing to do with yourself. Don't waste a perfectly good Saturday sitting in your uncle Bert's living room--spend it with the Clash! On top of screening TWO Clash movies (1980's Rude Boy, and 2000's Westway To the World), Sabala's also presents the Portland S.S., a Clash cover band featuring members of Defiance, the Riffs, and the Nice Boys… for FREE! ZP
Sabala's Mt Tabor, 4811 SE Hawthorne, 7 pm, free


CHRISTMAS MOP-UP--Make that nasty X-mas cheer go away with the first annual Kill Santa Cabaret & Boxing Day Gruesome Gift Exchange. Local literary rag Gobshite Quarterly presents readings, cartoons, snappy homemade movies, and a post-yuletide white elephant party where you can unload the shitty gifts your Aunt Martha gave you. PB
Berbati's, 231 SW Ankeny, 8:30 pm, $5

SWING DANCING--I don't know the first thing about swing dancing--but that probably means I could use some lessons! Burn off holiday fat and calories and learn a new skill for 2005 with swing dancing lessons. And hey, sexy singles: no partner required. KS
Nocturnal, 1800 E Burnside, 7 pm, $6


BASKETBALL--They may not be the Jordan-era Chicago Bulls, but this season's Trailblazers team is by no means out of the running for playoff contention. Come root tonight for your favorite slam-dunkin' potheads to turn things around for good against the Philadelphia 76ers, featuring the always thrilling Allen Iverson. JWS
Rose Garden Arena, 1401 N Wheeler, 7 pm, $10-131


MORGAN FAIRCHILD!--Wanna give grandpappy the best holiday ever? Take him to see the Broadway touring production of The Graduate, starring Morgan Fairchild as Mrs. Robinson! One of the true queens of the prime time soap, Fairchild is best remembered as the bitch-tastic Jenna Wade on Dallas. Look out, Morgan! Sexy Grandpa's in town! WSH
Keller Auditorium, SW 3rd & Clay, 790-ARTS, 7:30 pm, $15-56

MOVIES AND GIFTS--Nocturnal's Independent Tuesday showcases some of the funniest homemade video in town. Bring your own holiday-themed film to show, or just come to watch--and while you're at it, toss one of those horrible holiday gifts in your bag for tonight's horribly hideous gift swap. 'Cuz what are the holidays without extremely shitty gifts?
Nocturnal, 1800 E Burnside, 7 pm, free


MUSIC--"Civil War band" Federation X drop another blistering campaign of heaving thrash tonight--a rare event in these parts, as the band is regularly on hiatus. Tonight's show--also featuring the Narrows, Knight Badger, and the Innocents--is all the more appreciated, considering the dearth of bludgeoning rock in this holiday season. ZP
Berbati's, 231 SW Ankeny, 9:30 pm, $7

HIPHOP, CLOTHES, BREASTS--Lovely Clothing has outdone itself with "Dress for the Cure," an evening of live music from Lyrics Born, fashion shows, and a VIP ticket that gets you food, access to the after party and more. It all benefits the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. MS
Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 9 pm, $18-20, $30 VIP