THURSDAY, JULY 28

MUSIC--I pride myself on timing my breakups to coincide with every new Pernice Brothers release. If you're going to spend your evenings balled up on the floor sobbing into a bottle of Wild Turkey, there's no one better to keep you company than the gorgeous/depressing songwriting of Joe Pernice. His sweeping, happy music/sad lyrics, brand of chamber-pop will forever be there to hold my hand and lead me straight into life's darkest moments. EAC Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $10

RIOT!--In a wince-inducing display of MTV-sanctioned geekiness, the stupidly named Nesquik GameRiot is invading Portland. In a "raging party environment" you play upcoming Xbox games, try to beat "Zyos, the Halo Champion," ogle "the GameRiot Girls," and listen to music from local bands Standard Issue and Left Foot Forward. Contests! Prizes! Geeks! EH Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 7 pm, music at 9 pm, $10

FRIDAY, JULY 29

MUSIC--In description, the musical collective Jackie-O Motherfucker are terrifying: Free jazz, noise, folk, rotating members, and yikes.... saxophone. But quit your shivering--these musical maestros somehow manage to pull it off, creating a fusion of less popular genres and coming out with something downright addictive. KS Berbati's Pan, 10 SW 3rd, 9:30 pm, $6

MUSIC--With Ex Hex--her third solo album and Lookout! Records debut--ex-Helium vocalist Mary Timony ditches the Middle Earth shtick of her recent releases for fuzzed-out prog riffage. This is, of course, a totally welcome relief. ZP w/Viva Voce, LKN; Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $8-10

SATURDAY, JULY 30

SLIP 'N SLIDE--It's time once again for the perfect summertime event, the 2nd Annual Slip'n Slide Olympics! Hot guys and gals in teeny-weeny bikinis slide their way to greatness on a 50-foot long soapy track. Plus celebrity judges, an awards ceremony, and a bangin' after-party! Let's get wet! WSH Oregon Park, NE 30th & Oregon, 2 pm, free (after-party at Beulahland, 118 NE 28th)

ROCK, GIRLS, ROCK--It's a slam-bang showcase featuring the students of the Rock 'n' Roll Camp for Girls! Every year this prestigious and fun program teaches young gals to be the rock goddesses of tomorrow, and this special, culminating event allows the students to strut the stuff they've been learning all week. It's adorable, it's inspiring, but more than anything, it freakin' ROCKS. WSH Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, 7 pm, $5, all ages

SUNDAY, JULY 31

POLKA JAM--First jump on one foot twice, then hop on the other foot twice. Add beer (lots of beer) and repeat again and again. See? It's fun! Grammy-winning Polka-core outfit Brave Combo shake down the house for the 20th anniversary of PDX Polka. Also catch contests for kielbasa tossing and best bowling shirt. PB Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, 7 pm, $14.99 if dressed "polkadelic," $19.99 if dressed normally

MUSIC--Following a handful of limited edition EPs over the last few years, the totally incomparable duo of Nice Nice celebrate the release of Yesss!--um, another EP--featuring new material, and a handful of remixes by DJ/Rupture, Caural, and Stars As Eyes. Cause for citywide celebration? Why not? ZP Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $5

THE CRÜE--Mötley Crüe is one of the few reunited bands in the history of music to maintain their scumbag level at cock-rocking heights through middle age. Case in point: bloated lead scumbag Vince Neil will be judging a bikini contest at the show's after-party! MS Show: Clark County Amphitheater, 6 pm, $25-70; After-Party w/Tri-Polar: Barracuda, 9 NW 2nd, 10 pm, doors at 7 pm, $15

MONDAY, AUGUST 1

TUNES--I admit that the band's gender may be weighing in a bit too heavily on the following comparison, but try as I might, I can't seem to shake the specter of the Raincoats with every listen to Spires That In The Sunset Rise. Chicago's fairer-sex foursome shred strings with the same reckless abandon, though to an end that's far more sinister than their foremothers. ZP w/Fursaxa, World, Plants, Portland Vampires; Berbati's, 10 SW 3rd, 9 pm, $6

TUESDAY, AUGUST 2

POKER FACE--I am astoundingly bad at poker. It's a fucking joke when I play--I might as well just give my friends my buy-in cash instead of pretending to know what's going on with "flushes" and "straights" and "shuffling." So while I'm not planning on hitting the Portland Poker Series at Rock 'N' Roll Pizza, that doesn't mean you shouldn't--it's free to play and you can win trips to either Costa Rica or Ireland. EH Rock 'N' Roll Pizza, 11140 SE Powell, 7 & 9 pm, free to play

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 3

MOVIE--Granted, I've never had much credibility, but my review of The Island--the new sci-fi action flick starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson, directed by the untalented hack Michael Bay--seems to be even less believed than usual. BULLSHIT! I hereby swear that--shockingly--The Island kicks ass, and it's the big, shiny, fun summer movie that you should see. Seriously. Believe me. Please? EH Playing at various theaters. Check Movie Times on page 53 for info

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