Old Glory—what a perfect representation of what makes our country great. It's got stars, which signify explosions. Ka-boom! And it's got stripes, which... um... I think they're supposed to mean freedom. Or maybe good luck? There's 13 of them, so, yeah, that sounds right. But SOME countries—and I'm going to name names—think it's okay to take the colors of OUR flag and use them for their OWN flags. So not cool! The Red, White, and Blue are ours! That's why they call it the Red, White, and Blue. So back off, foreigners!

United Kingdom - We'll start with you, UK. It's bad enough we had to beat you out of our country with muskets and tea, but you really think it's cool to be stealin' our steez? Limes are green, which would be the perfect color for a limey flag. Corking good idea, innit? So get cracking; we'll expect a green flag by Wimbledon fortnight. Pip pip cheerio!


See, this just isn't right. Our flags CAN'T have the same colors. I'm sure you agree with this as much as we do, right, France? We hate each other! And look how lame your flag is compared to ours. Just three big stripes. No shapes. No shading. No allure or design. I thought you Frenchies were supposed to be all fashion-y!


Um, hi, Netherlands? The country of Sideways-France called and it wants its flag back. Ka-zing! What's that? Your flag was introduced in 1572 and is one of the oldest flag designs in current use? France ripped you off? Okay, not surprising. Still, though, pretty boring. Aren't drugs, like, legal in Amsterdam? Take some 'shrooms, get out the sketchpad, and call us in the morning.


Now I know that our flags can't share the same colors. You're Cuba, for crying out loud. We almost killed each other back in the '60s. I suggest a deal. We get your cigars and you only have to change one color on your flag—say, the red triangle is now a yellow triangle. Sound good? Oh, and lose the star, too—don't want people getting the wrong idea.

North Korea

So Cuba's just off the coast of Florida; it's our neighbor and we don't actually hate each other—kind of like Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men. But there is NO WAY that we are down with you, North Korea. Your king is fucking crazy! Stars 'n' stripes—done in red, white, and blue—are just WAY NOT COOL. Why not put the face of that insane dude who runs your country on the flag? He'd love it!

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Okay, Liberia, you're not even trying. I mean, come on! Sure, cut a few stripes here, use a giant single star there—did you really think no one would notice how blatantly you ripped us off?... Unless you're trying to trick people into thinking you actually ARE America by being close but not exactly the same. Well, it didn't work for Hyundai, it didn't work for Mr. Pibb, and it won't work for you! Back to the flag drawing board for you, Libby!