There are so many nice people in Portland—and to those people, we say, "thank you." However, there are some terrible, awful people as well, and if you're one of them... YOU CAN WIN $300 CASH MONEY!

And all you have to do is enter our "I'm the Worst Person in Portland" essay contest! Here's how it works:

• Simply write a TRUE first-person essay—no more than 500 words—explaining why YOU are the worst person in Portland. Provide examples, stories, and change the names of any bystanders or businesses to protect the innocent and guilty.

NO, you do NOT have to use your real name! That way you can be completely honest, without getting your life completely ruined. (You do have to share your real name with us eventually, though, so you can get your money. WE SWEAR WE'LL NEVER EXPOSE YOUR AWFUL TRUE IDENTITY.)

• Entries will be judged on how interesting your story is, and how well you tell it. (Obviously using any hate language or super creepy stuff will result in immediate disqualification, as well as pretending to be someone else. This is supposed to be fun, folks.)

• Slap a pseudonym on it, and send your 500-word essay to by THURSDAY, JUNE 4. If you win, we'll email you back and you'll get a nice fat check for $300! And the top entries will be featured in a future issue of the Mercury! OH BOY!

Enter the "I'm Portland's WORST Person" Contest—where it finally pays to be... THE WORST.