Steven Humphrey, as ever your response is brilliant and hilarious. (BTW - After reading your columns for the last 8 decades - since grunge was strangling Seattle! - I finally saw you in person at Hump here in Portland and you were the cutest thing ever!). Just wanted to share that I too received an email like this a few months ago (though my hacker wanted $7000 bitcoins - greedy!) and as a sex-positive artist, I wrote back and said "Thanks for doing my marketing for me!" But then I kind of got pissed, and decided take it further. I arranged for a Masturbate-a-thon to raise money for Planned Parenthood. We held it Oct. 2nd at The Sanctuary Club here in Portland, and while we didn't quite raise $7k, we did raise $4000! So that felt good. Speaking of things that feel good - where the hell is my hitachi?

L.O.T.W.!!^^

FWIW, this is just a phishing attempt. I have seen this exact letter hundreds of times (I work in an IT department). In future, just ignore it. Cool story though.

Oh the ignominy.
However, a word of warning to those who think it is a good idea to masturbate on a webcam with a webcam model ... this shit does really happen. Better to masturbate with someone in person!

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned the obvious association with:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shut_Up_and_Dance_(Black_Mirror)

Wait, what happens after 5 weeks?